winning...

Decisions and choices are interesting things. Every day we make decisions.  They are the choices that we make the help guide our life.  They impact how we feel and who we are.  Like the choice I made last night not to stop at the pool.  It totally impacted how I felt.  I didn’t have the strength or want to do anything last night afterwards. I sat on the couch and watched two hours of the clone wars.  Now, don’t get me wrong knowing what is going on in the galactic republic is important.  My roommate got home and she was like WTF, did you swim?  I was like, no, no I did not.  She gave me a lot of shit.  It was so nice out, why would I choose to spend my time inside on a couch watching cartoons instead of being in my natural habitat getting healthy.  She asked if I walked, I said again no.  Then I said I would take puppy for a walk and I did.  45 minute walk at 1.8 Mph for 1.7 miles, average HR of 105. Doesn’t sound like anything special, but it was movement and I was happy with it and by the end of it I was moving good and feeling good.  However, when I got home I was still down a bit, so I tried to blog.  It was crap.  However, I wrote and I never even thought about eating anything else.  I went to bed and was content.  I failed to do my mind exercises, damn ipad was dead, and I just wanted to sleep.  I woke up around 2 a.m. and I wanted to eat.  Who wakes up at 2 a.m. and wants to eat?  Me, that is who.  I told myself, no, no, no.  We have been dedicated and loyal to the Tyson Way and we are only eating healthy natural foods.  Don’t walk the dark path.  Don’t go get anything out of the cabinets. Don’t go scavenging through he kitchen. However, b/c I know what I was doing, I was pulling my shorts on and doing just that.  Scavenging the kitchen for my old friend Sugar.  I am not sure what the need is at night for sugar but my body wants it, needs it, craves it.  I am a night eater a habit I think developed out shame and frustration of being put on diets and being managed my entire life about what I should and should not put in my mouth.  I eat in secret and in shame.  When no one sees or hears me.  Part of me as I slinking to the kitchen was hoping I would get caught.  I stopped and thought about that, what is the want to wake my roommate up and get caught.  Like a serial killer.  After all doesn’t movie and the TV shows tell us they all really want to be caught.  So why then would I want to be caught?  Why would I want some else to see my shame?  My pain?  My frustration?  And by the way why at 2 a.m.  am I thinking I want to be caught like a serial killer?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I made it to the kitchen trying to be quiet as a mouse.  Or at least I thought so.  I grabbed not one but two single servings of the crunchy peanut butter.  Then I tip toed over to the kitchen drawer and got a spoon.  Then I crept back to my room.  Trying ever so hard to be quiet.  I have the spoon in my left pocket and the peanut butter in the right, so that if Rachel had woken up I wouldn’t have been caught with anything in my hands.  I made it back to my room and quickly shut the door.  Turned off the lights and headed back to my bed. I climbed in.  I set the peanut butter and spoon down on the far side of the bed.  Then I pulled the covers over my head and I laid there thinking.  What do I want to do?  Why am I doing this?  It isn’t what I want.  Eating peanut butter at 2 a.m. is not on the path of the beam.  It won’t help me reach my iron dreams. I won’t make my feel better.  It won’t get me up moving.  It probably won’t make me gain but it will spoil what I am working so hard to do.  So. I reached for my CPAP mask and put it on turned over and faced my fan and fell back to sleep.  When I woke I was greeted by this:

 

 

You have no idea how much power and joy I feel putting the peanut butter away this morning.    I put the peanut butter and knew that I had done good.  It was so powerful!  It was totally awesome!!!  I am going to do this.  I am on the path … I will do this.  I will succeed.