Ka Mai III – Thunder CLAP

“Thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder” AC/DC, “Thunderstruck”

“I would never bother you
I would never promise to
I would never follow you
I would never bother you” Nirvana, "You Know You're Right"        

“Pain!” Nirvana, "You Know You're Right"

 

I get it.  I do.  I have now for a really long time.  However, sometimes you forget.  Sometimes you try to make yourself believe.  No that is not right and not what I am trying to say.  Sometimes you want to believe it is all happening some other way. You allow yourself to be lured into false hood.  Your start to think and believe things could be different, only to realize that everything is the same.  You ignore the warning signs.  You preach change.  Your preach hope.  You preach moving forward.  Then you see something, or read something, of feel something and THUNDER CLAP!  You see that the entire fucking world has moved on but you.   You’re still hoping for the dare to be great moment.  Your still hoping the girl next door is coming. The realization rips through your mind like lightening across a clear Midwestern sky.  It explodes in your head and your thoughts go from dark to light.  It is an instant and sudden metamorphosis.  Everyone else has moved on.  You have not.  You’re trying to stand and be true.  You’re not though.  You’re a punch line, a backup plain, a pawn, and a foot note to someone else.  THUNDER CLAP!  The car swerves because it now becomes so clear.  THUNDER CLAP! The phone is tossed down because of your frustration.  THUNDER CLAP! The proverbial wool has been lifted from your eyes.  You try to breath, but it is hard to catch your breath. It has all been heading to this moment, and this realization.  You’re still Ka Mai.  You’re still destiny’s fool.  You have let yourself get lured here once again. THUNDER CLAP! The explosion in your mind is almost more than you can take.  I got it a year ago.  I got it six months ago.  I get it now.  I do. THUNDER CLAP! I really do.  It’s a distraction.  A featuring sore that must be dealt with and exercised.  I get it.  I have to stand and be true to myself now.  I have to move forward knowing that only person that I can fix and control is me.  I don’t have to understand anyone else or anything else.  This is my journey.  My quest and I must walk alone.  Part of the great dream died over the last few nights.  I get it.  I do.  However, the heart and soul of the dream remain in tack.  All the KA Mai in me can’t root that out.  I move forward because it is the right thing to do.  I move forward because I have too.  For me.  For Ka.  For the life that I know is waiting on the other side of it.  I stop and stand and survey how far I have some.  Knowing I am standing on the boarder of my old broken life.  Realizing the last few pieces of that life have to be left at the border, so I can cross over and through the stormy night and into the badlands.  The journey from the old life to the new will happen in the badlands.  That is where the great battle for this life will be won or lost.  THUNDER CLAP!  I see it in my mind eyes.  I have a lot and I mean a lot of living to do before I die.  I have a lot of battles to fight.  I have stories to tell and spin.  I look at the fractured fragments of an old life that are in my hands, and I drop them.  I cross over the border and I do so with shoulder pulled back and head up high.  I move with the gentle grace of a giant.  I do it with knowing I will always partially be Ka Mai, but it is ok.  I am who I am.  I also do it seeing the man in the green shirt.  Seeing the man with the sun washed hair that is so light it is almost blonde.  I see his nice side burn and smooth shaved cheeks and upper lip.  I see his chin pubs dancing under his lips as he talks.  I see his broad thick shoulders, his shirt is off, and so I can see his ink, his four transformation tattoos: re-birth, believe, the sun, and the reaper.  His four.  I see him a man who looks out for himself and doesn’t put himself into situations where he is take for granite or made second fiddle.  He is worth so much more than that.  Why did they see it, why didn’t he, he does now.  I see his tight tummy and abs.  His marble slab thighs and the thick calves, he looks more like a full back, than a triathlete, but he is one.  I see him standing on a beach, hair blowing in the wind.  I see him on the other side.  I am thankful for the explosions that took place in my head the last two nights, so that I can see him so clearly now.  There is no looking back.  There is no more trying to fix what was broken.  There is only fixing him and getting across the badlands.  Moving on from a place that was poison to one that is power.  He/I am moving through the stormy nights to the lovely days of the rest of his life and to the other side of KA.  I get.  I see it.  I understand.  I am going now.  Time to RISE and time to cross the badlands.