Another Tuesday and another Reaper fails to rise...

It is hard some times to focus on the things you did good.  You ate so healthy today, you ate nothing but good natural food and it tasted great.  you wanted for nothing.  you weren't hungry you drank a ton of water, you even went out for a 45 minute walk before bed.  however, something still seems like it is missing.  you sit at your computer and you do everything but put fingers to keyboard.  you look at facebook.  then you go and look at your blog stats.  you go back and look at facebook again.  then you look at your personal email.  then you go back to facebook.  then you check linked in.  only to end up back on facebook one more time.  What in the fuck am I looking for?   Am I really so pathetic that i need to constantly check and see if someone liked my post, or blog, or email?  It sort of seems that way.  doesn't it?  I am supposed to be writing about my ideal image.  the one most of you don't believe will ever exist.  However I don't.  I can't.  i don't feel like it.  I don't feel like rising tonight.  i just want to go get in bed and hope that maybe tomorrow is a good day?  What the fuck is that?  ate good, walked good, laughed, watched some star wars, doesn't sound like a bad day to me.  actually sounds pretty good.  so what is missing?  is it I have not been focusing enough on my ideal image?  Is it that I expect to much?  want to much?  i don't know.  I just know that i have what I want to say in my head for BRV.  BRV, I like that you know I do.  However, I can't motivate myself to type it up. Then I get scared because two weeks in a row I have not been able to convey my ideal image.  So does that mean I have lost the hunger for it?  The want?  the need to change my life?  Go back and look at all you did right today.  Doesn't seem to make sense.  Does it?  Fuck I don't know.  I don't know.  this is going no where I was hoping that something was going to come out of this.  Think about the positive.  I am going to my room and I am going to do my positive self imagery.  I am going to think about why I am doing this.  I will damned if this reaper doesn't rise again.  I am on a high.  I Am moving forward and I won't lose that because sometimes my brain gets stuck on something.  I am rebuilding my mind so I can move on from this scratch from this moment in time.  I will move on. I will grow. I was good today.  I had a good day.  Start to finish.  Remember what we are trying to do here. We are trying to save a life.  A life that is worth living. Yes, sometimes we want to hang our head because things didn't go our way. Or we didn't get the answer we wanted.  Whatever the case maybe.  Some day we will look back on this and say wtf was that all for?  why did we worry so much.  why didn't we see how awesome we really are?  This is end game and it is time to stand and be true to ourself.  It is time to accept and love the man who takes to many pills, who has high blood pressure, was diagnosed with OCD when he was 21, who has mood swings, anxiety and depression issues.  It is time to love that man so he can move on from this time and this place.  tomorrow will be a better day.  It will be because we will be better.  Tomorrow will be a better day because we have accepted who we are so that we can become who we were born to be.  So we can stand on a beach in maui or kona or any beach in the world and stand there in our tri shorts and nothing else and have the sun glisten off our tan tone body.  We will be the most healthy mentally and physically person we know.  This is a hero's trial.  This is how the reaper will rise, from the ashes of a life that wasn't worthy of him.  I CAN DO THIS and I will. It might be here it might be somewhere else, there are other worlds than these.  I can do this.  I will do this!