I forgive you Billy b

So.

I'm not sure how this will turn out.  I wrote something beautiful yesterday poolside and in the moment.  

I accidentally over wrote it writing and email to a friend.  Stupid Maui Brewing Company and your delish selections of beverage!   In the moment writing is always more real and powerful for me.  Trying to recapture that moment 24 hours later never seems to work out.

Basically yesterday in the sun I went through a list of people I need to forgive and conversely ask forgiveness from.  I was able to forgive 98% of people.  Some people it's to raw and real, and things are in motion so if you don't know the outcome how can u forgive?  Anyway, I ain't mad at ya anyway.  That leaves the 1% and fuck it's a big one, no pun inteneded.  Because the one person I need to beg forgiveness from and forgive at the same time is me.

I got on a chair in the pool yesterday.  Water to my chest and stretched out as far as I could.  I drank in the hot sun and felt it in every cell of my vessel.  I sat there and said 

"Accept you unconditionally right now!"

"I forgive you for not finding your path to tower sooner.  For being weak and not standing true.  I forgive you for everything you took to personally.  Everything you worried about and held on tight too.  I forgive you Billy b, I forgive you!"

"Billy b will you forgive me?  For all the wrongs I've done to this vessel?  For all the times I took you for granite?  For the abuse food has done to you for 38 years?  For being weak of mind and soul?  For being angry and hateful!  Forgive me.  Forgive me.  I knew not then what I know now.  I see now.  I understand. I had to be dead so I could truly feel alive!  Forgive me as I forgive you.  Let our dual natures be one true person, lets relish in the time and this place and know we are changing.  We accept rebirth.  We forgive, and follow our path.  To our beam."

I never did that or thought to.  So Bill Burkle or William Bryan Burkle or the old Billy b if you will I forgive you and at the same time beg your forgiveness.   It was truly powerful.  

I think years of bad gunky, fat, fear,hate, and self loathing were released.  

And though I'm still a man.  I still feel anger, hurt, and betrayal, I also see a new path.  A new way.  I see that I'm in my change.  I'm accepting who and what I am.  I'm moving towards who and what I shall be.  I feel KA, KA like a wind storm rushing over and thru me.  

The world has changed!  It has become better.  Your heart and mind are free!  I'm free and I know it!  It's amazing'. It's good to be alive! 

The world is great!

I forgive myself Billy b, and I'm amazing!  Today marks the first day of the rest of my life and it's beautiful!