A bad start… but there is always hope.

 

 

A bad start… but there is always hope.

I am convinced right now at this moment in time I am not breathing properly.  That I am going to have massive coronary failure at any moment in time.  I have been paranoid about my breathing ever since Rachel asked me on Saturday night why I kept yawning so much.  My response instead of being well I sat in the sun for four hours today was instead, I must not be getting enough oxygen to my lungs.  Someone told me that once. 

Ever since then I have been hyper sensitive to my breathing and how my body feels.  I am tight in my shoulders and in my chest.  Now, this could not possibly have anything to do with the swimming I did yesterday.  I mean I swam 1025 yards and swam pretty good and strong.  Yes, there was labored breathing but it was a work out. 

The entire drive up to the office was fine.  I was rocking out to Lithium station on XM radio.  I had my normal amount of joe on the way up.  So why then in between the time I started walking into the building and the time I sat down at my desk did I lose my shit and think, that oh my god, I am not breathing right. 

I keep thinking about something Sue see’s or used to that was so fat she had to go on oxygen.  I don’t want to go on oxygen.  I am 38.  I am trying to get better.  I want to get better. 

I am taking steps each day to get better. 

I am trying to heal multiple things at once.  I am literally freaking out.  I want to get up and run to just prove that I can. 

I get a lot of this is anxiety.  Coming to this place give me anxiety.  It does.  It’s not my boss, or my direct team, it is everything else.  I am working on that though.  It’s time. 

Also, I am a bit depressed.  How can I not be when you don’t understand why something are the way they are.  Sometimes accepting the hand you have been dealt is hard.  Playing it is harder.  Walking away from the game is all but impossible.  However, sometimes you just have to lay the cards down and walk away.  Focus on the good and cut out the bad.  I am hurting so maybe it is time to walk away.

The only thing in this world I can control is me.  I can control what I put in my mouth.  What I do with the time I am given.    

“Stop being afraid of what could go WRONG, and focus on what could go RIGHT!”  After yesterday’s blog I saw this and I knew that KA was speaking to me.  It is willing me to move on and to just simply GO. 

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” ― J.R.R. Tolkien

The truth is that is all we have to do.  I decide what to do with the time that is given.  I told Omar I wasted a lot of my 20’s and 30’s because I was not willing to face the world.  I was a coward and hid behind my weight and self-loathing and afraid to be myself. 

An interesting factoid is this… If I don’t have to make the eating decision on my own, if I don’t have to prep, clean, cut it, or cook it, all I have to do is mindlessly eat it, then I will eat better and more under control.

This is true from grocery to stomach.  If I have to go to the store and get my own meal, it gives me the ability to choose poorly.  I will 90% of the time choose poorly.  So, how the fuck do we do this?

Well, I am going to try something new.  Not really that radical.  I am going to outsource my food selections.  For 200 bones a week, I get meal prep, nutrition advice, and texts and all this done by a man who has worked with UFC champions! Does it Sounds too good to be true?  I don’t know we will find out.  I am excited.  I need a jump start right now.  I have to get over the fear and anxiety.  I know I am not dying so I need to feel the positive flow through me.  I have to be awesome to feel awesome. 

I will do this. 

I am going to be healthy and happy.  If you don’t like that, I don’t care.  If you get left behind, that is too bad, I have to do what is best for me.  As the guy who is going to help me out said it is my time.  It is time to be selfish.  It is time to focus on me.  It all goes back to cutting out the bad gunky!  It all goes back to moving forward.  It is all about living a life you are proud of.  Not one where you are scared and feeling like I am going to die or have a heart attack all the time.  Not one where I am ashamed to be seen by friends and family. 

I accept all of this now.  I am who I am, and I am what I am.  I forgive all those who have wronged me (real or perceived).  I forgive myself.  It is to live right.  To be right and to succeed.