I had been a while since I had seen her. 3 weeks to be exact. I was really excited. Three weeks was to long to not see her. It should never be more than two days in between visits. I know that but some how always make an excuse. Usually I am tired and I don’t feel well. My chest hurts. My hips hurt. Something, I always have a reason not to go a see her. It wasn’t always like this. It just has been more and more like this lately.
The truth is I have not felt well. I am a 475 pounds go figure. However only part of how I feel is the physical burden, which I carry with me every day. The mental fatigue is grueling as well. However, I think the physical burden is starting to cross over and start pulling in the mental. The two can form a deadly alliance against me.
Another truth is I have been eating a shit ton of pepper flakes lately. I love Tyson food, but for some reason I have gone balls to the walls on pepper flakes. I actually carry a bottle around in my bag. Yes, that is what I said. Every day when I leave for the office I go armed with a bottle of pepper flakes. I use on everything but my smoothies. I fucking love the spice, what can I say, beats that shit out of being on the salt or something else right?
Anyway, I think this, plus all my stress, plus my obesity are really starting to fuck with me. I think my acid reflux is in full revolution. When it is I get a burn in the left side of my chest and in the back of my throat.
Then I start thinking this pain is chest pain. The kill you dead heart attack kind, not that I am having a spell of gas kind. That is when my mind starts to take over and now I am having a heart attack not reflux. I start wearing my heart rate monitor. Checking my pulse. Always worried that I am going to fall over dead. You would think that if I am so worried about this why don’t I just go on a diet. Well FUCK YOU, if it were easy, we would have done it. I am the king of doing the easy. Ya, I am going to move on that line and leave it alone.
Anyway, the stress, the acid, the obesity just makes me sad. I won’t cave to though. Fuck no. I won’t cave to it.
I will do what I always do when I have an episode like this I will make an appointment with Dr. Oba, thanks again Juneybug for the recommendation he has been a god send. He will run the tests; I will hopefully once again get a clean bill of health. Then we will put into full action our plans.
I promise scouts honor, Jill when you read this, remind me to make my Doctors appointment. : - )
Anyway, we are going to get this ship going in the right direction.
I think I am totally off course right now, writing free style tends to do that.
When I looked upon her, I was reminding of her beauty instantly. I look at her so smooth and so calm, so inviting. I had her alone and all to myself. So I set my stuff down. Took my shirt off and walked over to her and dove in. It was so good to be back in the pool after a three-week absence. More importantly after my last 24 hours before I was just super happy to be there swimming.
I got my IPod locked into place on my TYR goggles. I pulled my hair back into a pony, then swim capped up. Then I put my goggles into place, and then I made sure I had a rocking tune and I pushed off into my glide.
My freestyle was rusty. However, it was still solid. My stroke I did everything in super slow motion. I didn’t want to swim fast. That was not the goal the goal was movement. Exercise is any movement of the body. I pulled and pushed through the water. My mind started to drift back to last night. For a Saturday night it was a rough one at the Burkle house. What exactly had happened last night? Was it? I breathed out into water mid-thought and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
He sat on the couch with is Roku remote in his hand. Puppy was at his feet. One more Saturday night he thought. Here alone watching some program about murder and mayhem. No reason to promise himself that he won’t be here next Saturday night, He will be. Just like the Saturday before that. He will be because he knows in his heart he still thinks of himself in exile. It’s hard for him to move. It is hard for him to stand for long periods of time. He is uncomfortable. His chest burns down the left side. He thinks he is going to have a heart attack. He is always thinking this anymore. Did his hand just go numb? He has been dying of the same heart attack since he was 18. Acid plus stress, creates bad nights for the Kid. It’s been worse lately, he knows it. He feels short of breath a lot. Heart attack, yes, he is dying. He knew it. No, come on, how long has he been doing this? One more Saturday night.
I grip the wall and then I press pause on my Garmin swim. The first interval is done. I hang on the wall reflecting at how easy the swim seemed to be. 45 Seconds of rest and I pushing off to do a 50 Boob. I reach out and pull the water past me. I am strong in the water. I feel good a simple down and back I can do. I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
He can lie to everyone else but he can’t lie to himself. He misses her. He thinks about her still. He rubs his chest and then takes a quick pulse. He is surprised at how much he is still feeling the stress and anxiety of the week. How tight his left side feels. He pauses the show and goes for a piss. As he washes his hands he looks into the mirror and looks hard at himself. He has fallen apart a bit. He never thought it would be possible to be heavier than he was last year at this time. He is. He knows there is hope. He knows he is on a different path now. He trusts to KA with his weight as he does with all things in his life. The Wheel of Ka will take him where he needs to go. As he walks back to the couch with Puppy at his side, he can’t help but think of her again. I wonder. KA.
I grip the wall. The 50 Boob was good. I was breathing good and strong. It always amazes me how good her felt in the water. People always explain why that is to me. “Hey Hey, My My” the Battleme version from Sons of Anarchy. I smile because most of my music these days comes from TV shows. I restart it the song and push into a 100 Boob. I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
He the anxiety doesn’t let up during his TV session. The anxiety never lets up anymore. He is tired. Tired of sitting around waiting to die. Its bullshit and he knows it. He tired of waiting for the big. He is tired of one more fucking Saturday night wasted on BBC murder mysteries. God his chest does hurt though. What if it is not anxiety this time? He gets really angry because no put him here but him. This is his fault. However, that is in the past. He knows it has to be in the past. Damn, is he breathing? He wonders this. It is all so fucked. Because I loved food this much? Bullshit! This is all Bullshit. The anxiety, the stress, the panic, and he knows he has to get better. No more tomorrow. He checks face book and a TYR add pops up. He reads, “If you’re looking for a sign to go work out. This is it! Go now!” He pauses the TV and gets the leash. He and Puppy are going. Anxiety and chest pain be damned.
On the wall again, the 100 was not bad at all. I love my water iPod. I think it is the greatest invention ever. I am going on the 45 and perfect we have some Seether coming too. Fucking Sweet. I push off into the water and I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
He has been laying her for over an hour. It never takes him an hour to go to sleep. And the anxiety is still sitting him. His entire chest hurts now. He hates it. He fucking hates it. How did things go so bad? He thought back to IU his sophomore year, the insomnia. Please gods tell me we aren’t back there, not again. Never again. Why does it hurt so bad. Why can’t it just settle. It does fuck with me when I am up, he thinks. Then that little voice in the back of his mind says to because you can’t breath when you are standing. Heart Attack when you are sitting or in bed, can’t breathe when you move. You fat fuck. You have done it now.
I am on the wall again. Now time to bank out six more laps. Get my 150 done. Climbing the boob pyramid. Foo Fighters, fuck ya, Rock and Fuck’n’Roll. I push off the wall I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
Puppy jumps over me and is running towards the door barking. My chest is tight. My fucking chest seems to be so much tighter now. What the fuck, is going on, really am I going to die. If so, then it is the wheel of KA. I don’t want to die. Why can’t I sleep? I roll over and tighten my CPAP straps.
The 150 went as planned it was a great set. I am going to rest for 45 seconds and then start the 200. Let me check and see what music we have coming up. Need to have good music as least two songs back to back that are going to kick some ass. Obsession is on how fitting of a song is that for me. The next song is 1,000 miles, I can dig it, swim hard. I push off the wall then I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
He jumps out of bed. It burns. It fucking burns. What is burning. He is not breathing. It fucking burns. Slow down. Catch you breath. There is no breathe, how can I catch, he says, and I am going to fucking die, he thinks. This it. He starts telling himself it is ok. It is ok. You’re not dead. Just slow down that burning in your throat is acid. It is ok. Your ok. Just relax and it will be over. No matter how terrifying it is. IT will pass. These attacks always do. The fatter I get the more I have he thinks. Fuck. Fuck I can’t breath. It burns. It burns. He throws his mask off just like when he was a catcher as a kid. He gasps for breath. It starts to come but it is slow. He gasps and gasps. It comes back slowly, but it comes back. He is breathing. He grabs his mask. He lies on his side. His breath is returning to normal. He survived another attack. What the fuck was that? Is it sleep apnea or is it acid? His doctor will tell him to take an extra Prilosec and get scoped. He lies there. Where is puppy, oh ya, I think the room came home?
I am at top of pyramid and whatever goes up must come back down, so another 150 boob is coming up. Led Zeppelin and Toto up next. I can dig that. I dig the mix. I push off the I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
The Puppy is licking my face. Why is the puppy in here? I thought she went with roommate. The puppy never licks my face to wake me. What the hell is going on? He gets it up. He sleep walks into the living room and opens the slider going into the back yard. Then he see’s the back door leading into the garage open. Then he gets the dog food and feeds puppy. He looked back at the door that was open. What the fuck. Why is the back door open? Just what in the fuck is going on here? Roommate not here. Back door open. What the fuck.
I look at my watch. I have another 100 coming up. It feels so good to be back into the water. . I push off the I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
He makes four shakes. He has to get ready. This week is important. No he won’t be out dancing come next Saturday night, but he everyday he fights to get a little bit better.
The last 50 are smooth. I love finishing a good pyramid. I worked hard in the pool I was a good swim, one to be proud of. I am moving. That is the key. I have to keep on moving. Now it is time for the last 100. . I push off the I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
He wants to stay on the couch all day. He has every thing ready. Why should he go work out? The pool is so far away. I am tired he thinks. It is always a battle. I just want to sit here and watch the fucking clone wars. Then again have I not watched to much, I mean I keep trying to force blast and force choke the dog he thinks. Yes, perhaps he should get up and go. It’s been three weeks. He should go. He needs to go.
Done. I am fucking done and I am alive. That feels great. I am so relieved. I am getting better; I know it is; now I have to get to the other end of the pool. . I push off the I exhale out into the water and…
Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…
He gets to the pool. He made it here. He swims hard. He swims strong and true. 1000 yards he swims. He is tired afterwards. Really tired. It is time for him to worship the sun a little bit. He is so happy to have swum. To gotten back into the pool. He knows last night was rough. However, today is a new day. It is a great day.
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