I am ready to do this every weekend for the next 8 months! Sit here in this chair swim, and watch the fat melt away. This is my true home poop and sun!
I spent three or for hours in the company of Omar yesterday. We held long palaver. We started to think of way of getting me back in the world.
We came up with some small baby step type goals.
When I first reached out to him I wanted to get back on the bike and ride 30 miles. Then I retracted that, while I could definitely do that is it truly what's the best short term goal for me. Lets be honest I'm 460 lbs and when I sit only bike I feel like I'm a victim in the movie deliverance than a cyclest. The bike makes me want to squill like a pig. Weeennt. Weeeennnttt! Did you know people in Kentucky think deliverance is a love story. Yikes!
If I had to get on my bike and work up to. 30 right now I'd be angry and bitter and probably not want to do it.
Instead I re-accessed and I want to walk / hike quicksilver with puppy by the end of August. It's a five mile trek, I can do that and I won't be hateful doing it. So it's a win / win.
I also want to be able to walk the entire Stanford dish by end of August.
Finally I want to be able to Rancho San Antonio and be able to walk strong out there and not wheeze like an old goat.
Things all are doable.
Zen and the art of the bicycle mechanic:
Did u know I love working on my bicycle? I do really. It's a good hobby. I'm at peace out back w the bike on the rack. Working the chain. Cleaning the wheels. There is something so nice about it. To be outside in the god sun. To be busy with my hands. To clean it, shine it, love it. Although I can't ride my bike rigjt now I think it is time to start loving it again. Rachel's bike as well. I think it's really import for me to find hobbies right now. It keeps the obsessive mind at bay. You don't ask yourself questions about things you can't control. Like why not me? What's the score here? What's next? The why's. The whys that are maddening. It also keeps the mind free of the games people play. It puts your powerful beautiful mind to work for you! It also helps you move on because the sphere of things in your life aren't limited to work, social media, and email. It also enhances the want to ride. It makes you hungry for change.
Heaven? No just San Jose and a day by the pool! :)
HesitAtion:
Can I be truthful here? Talking to Omar scared me. Not him, bc he is awesome and beautiful, one of the best people I know. But talking to him represented change! Change is scary. Talking to him represented me taking the next step. It's really a landmark moment in my transformation. It's time to see if I am The Lord of war and thunder and a blow hard or someone who is read to stand and be true. I was not ready in the past. It was not my time. Now I want it so bad. I need it. But I'm so scared. To really change. To give my life over to healthy eating. To really start opening myself to acceptance. Positive thinking. I told Rachel yesterday, I don't know how to be positive. If you asked former coworkers they'd tell u I was a grump, negative asshat. That I have more mood swings than Denis Rodman. For all my work. For all dedication, that is what stands out. Horse shit! I'm better than that. I'm ready for the next phase of my life. The next challenge. I want to do that with an open heart and mind. So I want to stop hesitating. Pick up the phone and make a call to a guy who can help me w meal prep. I want to walk the path. I want to stand and be true. So why do I hesitate? Everything isn't the same! I am evolution. I must embrace this! I have to stand and be true! I have too be me. I must stop being scared. Change is scary! Change is hard. Moving with your life is fucking hard. Making the decision your will to try is fucking hard. You can't be scared it
Won't work, when everything in your soul says it will! It's right and you know it! It's your time! Don't hesitate! Don't be scared be excited for the life that is here and your living!
Btw: puppy says hello
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