“Scared”

“Hey man, I think I like being scared
An' I wish you all were here
Man I really, really think, really think that I think
I like being scared”

Dangerous Toys, “Scared”

The mind can be a dark place when there is little hope.  The world can be bleak if you think it will be forever before you will see the sun shine again.  We make a choice every day to be scared or not to be.  We have a choice to accept the status quo or to make an effort to have something, and do something wonderful in our lives.  Some folks are stuck in a rut and scared to move out of it.  I know this fear.  I know it all too well. I was this person for so much of my life.  You can’t be upset with others who aren’t will to push on and aren’t will to grasp something that is standing in front of them and take a chance.  There are not sure things.  However, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.  You have to be willing to step off the ledge.  For most of my life I have not been willing to do this.  Where did it get me?  It got me to put one foot in my grave with a boat load of regrets.

I don’t want to regret anymore.  At the same time I don’t want to give up either. I have invested really heavily into some investments that don’t appear that they are going to pay off.  So what happens, if I walk, and then they hit?  Well, is that not the will of KA?  What is the price tag of happiness?  There is some healthy balance between the choices we make and things we move on from and the things we stick with.  There has to be.  For every door that closes does not another door open?

When did life become some complicated?  Is it not as simple as doing what makes you happy?  Stick with the positive.  Avoid the negative. 

I woke up this morning and I was not on the Path of the Beam.  I was not far from it. 

I look behind me and see the life I know.  The life that is ok. the life that is safe.  Then I turn and I see a life that is unknown.  I know so many people that refuse to turn to that life. These people are to scared to move forward and give that unknown life a try.  It is unknown therefor it is alien.  I have been one of those people for so long.   

Riddle me this.  If I deal with my weight issues, what do I have left?  What can I blame when the women of my dreams doesn’t love me?  What can I blame when I don’t make the cut?  When I fall down and have trouble getting up.  When anxiety rips my mind?  If I don’t have morbid obesity, what do I have? That is pretty fucking scary right?

It is.  What if my only worry was what do to with the time given to me and not oh god I have to lose weight?  What if I had the time to write and no one like what I had to say?  What if? 

What if I had to look in the mirror and like what I saw looking back at me?

I know one thing for sure, if I did all these things, and I would have truly lived.  I would have lived.  Think about that.  I would have stood and been true and lived.

If I wrote and got rejected, did I not write?  If I had to actually go out and do an iron man and failed did I not tri?  What if I had to look in the mirror and accept it isn’t the weight and the unhealthy life style is the reason she did not love me.  Again, did I not live? 

I turn and I look back.  There is a job that I can do, I don’t love it, but I can do it, and I get paid well.  I have no one special in my life, but at least I can’t get hurt anymore.  I look back and I see friends that support me and love, but it’s not enough because I don’t support and love myself.  I see a life where I can’t really move anymore because my weight is so much that my body can’t handle it.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to squat.  It hurts to be.  But, I can do it.  I know I can.  I can live this life and I can laugh and I can say, oh, I did it my way.  I see this life and it is safe.  So many people make the safe choice.  Why can’t I?

Then I turn.  I try to see the other life.  I look but I can’t see it.  It is a life that is undefined.  It is unknown.  It has the potential to be beautiful and free.  It has the potential to have laughs, loves, and friends.  I turn and I look down this path and at the end I see a tower.  A vast, dark tower perched in the middle of a field of roses.  I see hard work that way.  I see unknown pleasures and I see know unknown pains.  I see struggle.  I see success.  I see a life that is worthy to live.  I might lose some friends that way.  I might get it hurt.  However, I will live.  I will live.  Its not safe.  It is real and it is alive.  It is so fucking scary, but you know…

I think I like being scared and as Dangerous Toys once said  “Hey man, I think I like being scared
An' I wish you all were here, Man I really, really think, really think that I think I like being scared”  You, being scared will take you to where you want to go and isn’t that on the other side of KA?  I do like to be scared so I walk the unknown path.  I like to be scared so I choose a life worth living.  I choose not to be safe. 

If I could, would you?

 

unrelated topic... isn't this picture Bad Ass: