Fearless

What do you want to be?  Truely?  What do you want to be Billy b? 

I want to be fearless!

In my life, my writing, my work, everything!  I want to be fearless!

No manic Monday today!  Today is a magic Monday!  Dream, laugh, love!

Some good words to start off an awesome week:

"Success is the sum of small efforts  repeated day in and day out."

- Robert Collier

"You are what you do, Not what you say you'll do."

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."

- Zig Ziglar

Pics from yesterday I forgot to post:

One More Saturday Night

I had been a while since I had seen her.  3 weeks to be exact.  I was really excited.  Three weeks was to long to not see her.  It should never be more than two days in between visits.  I know that but some how always make an excuse.  Usually I am tired and I don’t feel well.  My chest hurts.  My hips hurt.  Something, I always have a reason not to go a see her.  It wasn’t always like this.  It just has been more and more like this lately.

The truth is I have not felt well.  I am a 475 pounds go figure.  However only part of how I feel is the physical burden, which I carry with me every day.  The mental fatigue is grueling as well.  However, I think the physical burden is starting to cross over and start pulling in the mental.  The two can form a deadly alliance against me.

Another truth is I have been eating a shit ton of pepper flakes lately.  I love Tyson food, but for some reason I have gone balls to the walls on pepper flakes.  I actually carry a bottle around in my bag.  Yes, that is what I said.  Every day when I leave for the office I go armed with a bottle of pepper flakes.  I use on everything but my smoothies.  I fucking love the spice, what can I say, beats that shit out of being on the salt or something else right?

Anyway, I think this, plus all my stress, plus my obesity are really starting to fuck with me.  I think my acid reflux is in full revolution.  When it is I get a burn in the left side of my chest and in the back of my throat.

Then I start thinking this pain is chest pain.  The kill you dead heart attack kind, not that I am having a spell of gas kind.  That is when my mind starts to take over and now I am having a heart attack not reflux.  I start wearing my heart rate monitor.  Checking my pulse.  Always worried that I am going to fall over dead.  You would think that if I am so worried about this why don’t I just go on a diet.  Well FUCK YOU, if it were easy, we would have done it.  I am the king of doing the easy. Ya, I am going to move on that line and leave it alone.

Anyway, the stress, the acid, the obesity just makes me sad.  I won’t cave to though.  Fuck no.  I won’t cave to it.

I will do what I always do when I have an episode like this I will make an appointment with Dr. Oba, thanks again Juneybug for the recommendation he has been a god send.  He will run the tests; I will hopefully once again get a clean bill of health.  Then we will put into full action our plans.

I promise scouts honor, Jill when you read this, remind me to make my Doctors appointment.  : - )

Anyway, we are going to get this ship going in the right direction.

I think I am totally off course right now, writing free style tends to do that.

When I looked upon her, I was reminding of her beauty instantly. I look at her so smooth and so calm, so inviting.  I had her alone and all to myself.  So I set my stuff down.  Took my shirt off and walked over to her and dove in.  It was so good to be back in the pool after a three-week absence.  More importantly after my last 24 hours before I was just super happy to be there swimming.

I got my IPod locked into place on my TYR goggles.  I pulled my hair back into a pony, then swim capped up.  Then I put my goggles into place, and then I made sure I had a rocking tune and I pushed off into my glide.

My freestyle was rusty.  However, it was still solid.  My stroke I did everything in super slow motion. I didn’t want to swim fast.  That was not the goal the goal was movement.  Exercise is any movement of the body.  I pulled and pushed through the water.    My mind started to drift back to last night.  For a Saturday night it was a rough one at the Burkle house.  What exactly had happened last night? Was it? I breathed out into water mid-thought and…

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

He sat on the couch with is Roku remote in his hand.  Puppy was at his feet.  One more Saturday night he thought.  Here alone watching some program about murder and mayhem.  No reason to promise himself that he won’t be here next Saturday night, He will be.  Just like the Saturday before that.  He will be because he knows in his heart he still thinks of himself in exile.  It’s hard for him to move.  It is hard for him to stand for long periods of time.  He is uncomfortable.  His chest burns down the left side.  He thinks he is going to have a heart attack.  He is always thinking this anymore.  Did his hand just go numb?  He has been dying of the same heart attack since he was 18.  Acid plus stress, creates bad nights for the Kid.  It’s been worse lately, he knows it.  He feels short of breath a lot.  Heart attack, yes, he is dying.  He knew it.  No, come on, how long has he been doing this?  One more Saturday night.

I grip the wall and then I press pause on my Garmin swim.  The first interval is done.  I hang on the wall reflecting at how easy the swim seemed to be.  45 Seconds of rest and I pushing off to do a 50 Boob.  I reach out and pull the water past me.  I am strong in the water.  I feel good a simple down and back I can do.  I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

He can lie to everyone else but he can’t lie to himself.  He misses her.  He thinks about her still.  He rubs his chest and then takes a quick pulse.  He is surprised at how much he is still feeling the stress and anxiety of the week. How tight his left side feels. He pauses the show and goes for a piss.  As he washes his hands he looks into the mirror and looks hard at himself.  He has fallen apart a bit.  He never thought it would be possible to be heavier than he was last year at this time. He is.  He knows there is hope.  He knows he is on a different path now.  He trusts to KA with his weight as he does with all things in his life.  The Wheel of Ka will take him where he needs to go.  As he walks back to the couch with Puppy at his side, he can’t help but think of her again.  I wonder.  KA.

I grip the wall.  The 50 Boob was good.  I was breathing good and strong. It always amazes me how good her felt in the water.  People always explain why that is to me.  “Hey Hey, My My” the Battleme version from Sons of Anarchy.  I smile because most of my music these days comes from TV shows.  I restart it the song and push into a 100 Boob.  I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

He the anxiety doesn’t let up during his TV session.  The anxiety never lets up anymore.  He is tired.  Tired of sitting around waiting to die.  Its bullshit and he knows it.  He tired of waiting for the big.  He is tired of one more fucking Saturday night wasted on BBC murder mysteries. God his chest does hurt though.  What if it is not anxiety this time? He gets really angry because no put him here but him.  This is his fault.  However, that is in the past.  He knows it has to be in the past.  Damn, is he breathing?  He wonders this.  It is all so fucked.  Because I loved food this much? Bullshit!  This is all Bullshit.  The anxiety, the stress, the panic, and he knows he has to get better.  No more tomorrow.  He checks face book and a TYR add pops up.  He reads, “If you’re looking for a sign to go work out.  This is it! Go now!”  He pauses the TV and gets the leash.  He and Puppy are going.  Anxiety and chest pain be damned.

On the wall again, the 100 was not bad at all.  I love my water iPod.  I think it is the greatest invention ever.  I am going on the 45 and perfect we have some Seether coming too.  Fucking Sweet.   I push off into the water and I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

He has been laying her for over an hour.  It never takes him an hour to go to sleep.  And the anxiety is still sitting him.  His entire chest hurts now.  He hates it.  He fucking hates it.  How did things go so bad?  He thought back to IU his sophomore year, the insomnia.  Please gods tell me we aren’t back there, not again.  Never again.  Why does it hurt so bad.  Why can’t it just settle.  It does fuck with me when I am up, he thinks.  Then that little voice in the back of his mind says to because you can’t breath when you are standing.  Heart Attack when you are sitting or in bed, can’t breathe when you move.  You fat fuck.  You have done it now.

I am on the wall again.  Now time to bank out six more laps.  Get my 150 done.  Climbing the boob pyramid.  Foo Fighters, fuck ya, Rock and Fuck’n’Roll.  I push off the wall I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

Puppy jumps over me and is running towards the door barking.  My chest is tight.  My fucking chest seems to be so much tighter now.  What the fuck, is going on, really am I going to die.  If so, then it is the wheel of KA.  I don’t want to die.  Why can’t I sleep? I roll over and tighten my CPAP straps.

The 150 went as planned it was a great set.  I am going to rest for 45 seconds and then start the 200.  Let me check and see what music we have coming up.  Need to have good music as least two songs back to back that are going to kick some ass.  Obsession is on how fitting of a song is that for me.  The next song is 1,000 miles, I can dig it, swim hard.  I push off the wall then I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

He jumps out of bed.  It burns.  It fucking burns.  What is burning.  He is not breathing.  It fucking burns.  Slow down.  Catch you breath.  There is no breathe, how can I catch, he says, and I am going to fucking die, he thinks. This it.  He starts telling himself it is ok.  It is ok.  You’re not dead.  Just slow down that burning in your throat is acid.  It is ok.  Your ok.  Just relax and it will be over.  No matter how terrifying it is.  IT will pass.  These attacks always do.  The fatter I get the more I have he thinks.  Fuck.  Fuck I can’t breath.  It burns.  It burns.  He throws his mask off just like when he was a catcher as a kid.  He gasps for breath.  It starts to come but it is slow.  He gasps and gasps.  It comes back slowly, but it comes back. He is breathing.  He grabs his mask.  He lies on his side. His breath is returning to normal.  He survived another attack.  What the fuck was that?  Is it sleep apnea or is it acid?  His doctor will tell him to take an extra Prilosec and get scoped.  He lies there.  Where is puppy, oh ya, I think the room came home?

I am at top of pyramid and whatever goes up must come back down, so another 150 boob is coming up.  Led Zeppelin and Toto up next.  I can dig that.  I dig the mix.  I push off the I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

The Puppy is licking my face.  Why is the puppy in here?  I thought she went with roommate.  The puppy never licks my face to wake me.  What the hell is going on?  He gets it up.  He sleep walks into the living room and opens the slider going into the back yard.  Then he see’s the back door leading into the garage open.  Then he gets the dog food and feeds puppy.  He looked back at the door that was open.  What the fuck.  Why is the back door open?  Just what in the fuck is going on here?  Roommate not here.  Back door open.  What the fuck.

I look at my watch.  I have another 100 coming up.  It feels so good to be back into the water. .  I push off the I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

He makes four shakes.  He has to get ready.  This week is important.  No he won’t be out dancing come next Saturday night, but he everyday he fights to get a little bit better.

The last 50 are smooth.  I love finishing a good pyramid.  I worked hard in the pool I was a good swim, one to be proud of.  I am moving.  That is the key.  I have to keep on moving.  Now it is time for the last 100.  .  I push off the I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

He wants to stay on the couch all day.  He has every thing ready.  Why should he go work out?  The pool is so far away.  I am tired he thinks.  It is always a battle. I just want to sit here and watch the fucking clone wars.  Then again have I not watched to much, I mean I keep trying to force blast and force choke the dog he thinks.    Yes, perhaps he should get up and go.  It’s been three weeks.  He should go.  He needs to go.

Done. I am fucking done and I am alive.  That feels great.  I am so relieved.  I am getting better; I know it is; now I have to get to the other end of the pool.  .  I push off the I exhale out into the water and…  

Bubbles… bloop, bleep, bloop, Bubbles…

He gets to the pool.  He made it here.  He swims hard.  He swims strong and true.  1000 yards he swims.  He is tired afterwards.  Really tired.  It is time for him to worship the sun a little bit.  He is so happy to have swum.  To gotten back into the pool.  He knows last night was rough.  However, today is a new day.  It is a great day.

Thanks Tyson! Let week 3 begin!

Everyone says 3 weeks to create new habits.  Everyone says 21 to 30 days and new habits are to be formed!

Tyson has been awesome help!  I love his good food and I'm eating 90% of all my food natural and glueton free!  I'm eating better food quality food!  

I'm super excited!  

Also he's offered to help me punch and learn to box.  Get me moving !  It's gonna  be fun! 

Things are looking up even in the Rain!

Have a great Saturday and thanks Tyson u rock!

Video Blog - we all have bad days... and just want to stay in bed.

Depression and anxiety is another thing that I have to deal with.  I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  Therefore people always know how I am feeling.  For me it is really easy to get low.  I don’t know how to properly deal with that.  So I eat.  Then I get angry and then look out world.  The black dread is coming for you.  That is what I actually call it, my moodiness and depression.  The black dread because when I am down, I bring the world down with me. 

READY!

It is time.  I am ready.  It is time.  I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready. 

Why wait to change your life, when you jump start it!

the time to act is now.  The time to live is now. 

It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready.  It is time. I am ready. 

TGIF btw... I foresee the Pool & White Trash Tanning by the garage in my future. 

See Yourself, Feel Yourself, Imagine Yourself In Your Ideal Body.  Time to meditate....

Happy Friday - the dog that stole my heart!

Happy Friday - the dog that stole my heart!

Quarter end is a lot of full days.  This one has been more mild than normal so working an 9 hour days during last week of Q has been incredible.  It doesn't hurt I have two solid deal people supporting me.  My life is easier and workload is spread!  Makes life "tolerable"!  However the work and all the non-sense around the office can be exhausting.  Then general stress of being deal desk makes me tired.  So the point if I haven't made it is I'm tired.  Although working less.  Make sense?  All I'm trying to say is I'm tired.

So I stopped by WW squared on way home and I'll stick by my comment last week, I won't talk about weekly weight fluxes but what I'll say is I trust Tyson Griffin completely and we are eating real whole natural food and I'm digging it!  I love the food.  Last night at drinks I didn't have one appetizer, not because I couldn't because I knew it wouldn't fuel the body right.  That it wasn't in my window of eating times and I want to win.  Tyson you rock brother!  I'm learning!    I stopped by the whole foods to pick up some snacks.  Then I set up a daily walk w my team as a daily close, check in meeting but we have to walk the entire time, so guess what just added 30 minutes of moving in 5 days a week.  We all promised each other we'd do it, therefore it will be done!

So as I'm pulling in I get very excited because it's time to see puppy.  

I heard her dancing in the tile when I pulled in.  That little rap, rap, rap behind the door.  I open the door with great anticipation and there is trash all over the floor.  Chewed up coffee trey.   Chewed up paper bag.  Chewed up wrappers.  I was not happy!

She new it too.  She crawled down on all fours and and her ears were pulled back and I felt bad, but I was mad.  I set her on the porch and went about cleaning it up after I informed her she was bad and showed her the trash.  After I cleaned up l let her back in.  

I was distant from her.  I told her I didn't want to play, I have her pill, but didn't really play with her.  I warned up my food and sat down to eat.  All while she sat and looked at me with ears pulled back. 

I told her to stay sitting down while

I took out the trash.  I went outside and and put out the trash.  I walked back in and she wasn't at the back door ask I expected.  I turned into the living room and there was puppy laying on the floor face on the ground and ears pulled all the way back and she was shaking.  It was so sad.  She was so upset.  Most of all it broke my heart!  I was so sad that I went to her and started petting her.  I felt so awful.  The puppy broke my heart!   I really felt like a monster. 

I realized I really love that Puppy :)

The I walked her and played with her.  She is a good dog.   She just gets a little curious sometimes.

Anyway.  It's Friday and I wish you all the best and here is to another week!  Enjoy the weekend!

The bad guy

“Joe Hallenbeck: Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right?

Milo: I am the bad guy.”  ~ The Last Boy Scout

 

Have I become the monster at the end of the book?  Am I the bad guy?

You hear stories about yourself and about creating a negative environment for consultants and you have to begin to wonder if the monster you've always feared you are is not some where lurking in the deep recesses of your mind?

Apparently, I have a knack for making people cry, especially young audit professionals. Apparently, I am the asshole.  It's true.  I can be a jerk.  However, to have a reputation as one.  To be the person others think of when they say he talks about making people cry.  To have people scared to come to your desk.  Having people loath and fear working with you or asking you question is a very painful thing.  The truth is I am completely blind to this.  I don’t feel like that is the person I am.  However, don’t actions speak the truth?   
 
I know I can be a bear.  I know the black dread radiates off me and people can feel hit hanging around me.  It's a black cloud I wear like a jacket.  I see myself being the asshole and at times I can't stop it .

Is it part of being KA-Mai?  Or is it something blacker and darker?  Or is it Darker than Black?

Is it insecurity?   Do I not stand behind what I do?  I don’t know.

What I do know is my chest feels tight right now.  When I walk around I get out of breath.  I know it is stress. With all the stuff I am dealing with feeling like the Asshole and the Bad Guy wasn’t something I was expecting. 

Then to be told that people would support you for certain things if you weren’t so moody and you were so up and down.  It hurts. 

I know in the blackness there is one underlining issue.  There is one thing that makes me angry and that is how little respect I have for myself. That every question I am asked is really a question that makes me questions my worth and self-value.  For so long the only thing I saw that I had in my life was my career.  It was my legacy and reputation and therefore each time I am asked a question I get my hackles up and feel like a dog back into a corner and I bite.

Confidence has always been an issue for me.  I think it is something that leads to fear.  Fear of not being good enough.  Not being accepted. Not being loved.  Now at this point I can go two ways.  I can go Point Break “fear causes hesitation, and hesitation, causes your worst fears to come true.”  And that is great.  However, I was looking more to Master Yoda here "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate.. to suffering"

Don’t most monsters suffer?  Don’t most bad guys have some jaded reason for being in the position they are in?  I don’t prescribe to Lucas theory on becoming a bad guy ok.  Lucas would tell us that a bad guys I made over time.  That we should actually feel sorry for Anakin Skywalker.  He had the rough life.  Slave, carrying teen, to madly in love and would do anything for wife, and that it was because of his over all love he did bad things.  I call bullshit on this.  Anakin took one hit of the dark side and got hooked on it.  The shit has to be more addictive than Crack cocaine.  He used it, he liked it, and he went down a dark path because he made a choice.  Not because of all the shit that happened in his life.  But because he made bad choices and those choices defined him.  I don’t need an excuse to understand why he went dark side. I don’t need three movies to try and make me feel bad for him.  He fucked up.  Thus the bad guy was born.

So, I know my fear and low self-worth make me angry and create fear and angst in my life.  That is my shit.  That is my stuff to deal with. It isn’t something that gives me the right to feel like I am back in the corner and need to bite.  The truth of the matter is this, that I am fucking good at what I do.  I am talented. I have a gift for deal structure and navigating grey and I need to believe in that.  That doesn’t give me the right to be an arragont prick, whether I have seen predcesors do it or not.  The combination of arragont and fear make me a monster.  Make me hard to deal with.  You put up with me for my genious, but I limit my self because of my actions.

So am I the bad guy?  On any given day at any given choice the answer is yes.  I am the bad guy.  However, to let that define me.  To let that lead me to making poor decision for myself is bull shit. All you can do is make the most of the time we are given.  All we can do is wait for that choice to come again and make sure don’t get our hackles up.  To make sure we put the dog away and let the man deal with it.  The truth is I look to every aspect of my life and I don’t accept less than the best I can do.  I have been that.  I have accepted that.  Health, career, writing, I have to put my best foot forward.  I have to make the decision that better me as a person.  Yelling, being stubborn, being angry any of that shit is unacceptable.

My goal is to become a little more enlightened every day.  A little more peaceful.  Baby steps.  Put the bad guy away and look to the rebirth.  Engage in a life worth living.  Don’t hate yourself for what you did but be proud of knowing you realize your faults and accept them and that you are willing to work on them.  You are willing to push forward and that you expect more out of you.

You have to reign in the monster at the end of the book.  You have to be better.  You can be.  You take responsibility for what you said.  For have remorse for those you have made cry and made feel stupid or humiliated.  You learn from it.  As you would never want anyone to make you feel that way.

You know that your cause and goals are noble.  That the betterment of yourself is worthy.  Even with a checkered past you deserve happiness and health.  You deserve to see your tower.

In the end you know you heart is good.  You want to give to the world not destroy it.  Therefore, monster, bad guy, no that is not probably right.  No.  Emotionally damaged, perhaps a better way of putting it.  Needing to deal with the rage and anger, yes. 

The real truth is that you know in your heart what the key to dealing with the black dread and the anger is.  It is called a pool or a walk.  It is called taking care o yourself.  You can fight the monster and when the great battle of your life.  You are close.  You know you are. 

You are getting there.  Monster or bad guy it is what it is.  What matters is today and who you are willing to be.  What matters is every day get a little bit better.  What matters is leave the past where it belongs behind you.  Look to the future.  Your future and stand and be true.  There is no going back now.  We have done too much.  We have come too far.  Stand and be true and fight for your future!

And I don’t care what Conrad Strughold once said “He’s but one man.  One man alone cannot fight the future.”  I am one man and I am fighting the future.  I don’t accept being a monster at the end of my book or a bad guy.  I will fight the future.       

So why are you so mad?

“Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.”  ~Albert Einstein

“He who angers you conquers you.”  ~Elizabeth Kenny

“To be angry is to revenge the faults of others on ourselves.” ~Alexander Pope

 

Rage and anger will be my downfall.  I can’t help it.  I am an angry person.  Instead of burning this anger, I take it out on myself.  Eating Granola in the middle of the night is done because I am angry at myself.  Sneaking a piece of candy at work is hurting myself because I am upset and don’t believe things will ever change.  Sitting around and snacking while eating because I am upset. 

Let’s get one thing straight, I am hard on myself.    Did I have a tootsie roll today at work yes.  Did I eat the pita chips yesterday yes, and did I get up the last two nights and eat granola, yes.  However, I still have eaten less this week than two weeks ago.  So perhaps I shouldn’t be angry, or in a rage but I am. 

Things just suck sometimes.  I focus on the suck.  I am still not moving like I would like to so I get angry.  I have trouble moving still.  Then I wonder why people wouldn’t want to spend time with me. 

Rage and anger.  Sometimes I just want to stop and scream.  I want to understand why things don’t always go my way. I want howl at the moon and lash out in frustration. 

I get down. I get really down.  However, the amount of time it takes to pick myself up is less and less.  I am still fighting the good fight.  I am inspiring people.  I know they have told me.  I am inspiring people at 470 pounds to go out and get healthy.  Really?  Yes.   

So why are you so mad?

I don’t know.  I can’t say.  This is going no were.  Can we make this positive?  I don’t know.  I am an angry man.  I fail because I am angry.  I fail because I put myself in none winnable situations.  I fail because I don’t really think I believe I can win.  I do this because I am mad.  I am mad I have not fully let go.  I am mad because other people own so much space in my head. 

How do I stop this?  I write it down. I share it.   I blog.  I journal. I try. 

Moving.  I need to move. I need to walk.  I need to swim. I need to walk and swim.  I need to get back to the basics.  I can do this!  I am doing this. 

“But I know the truth: there's no going back. You've changed things... forever.”

 

 

“But I know the truth: there's no going back. You've changed things... forever.” 

― The Joker, The Dark Night

“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself to become a new person.”

― Gerard Way

“Remember,too,that all who succeed in life get off to a bad start,and pass through many heartbreaking struggles before they "arrive". The turning point in the lives of those who succeed usually comes at some moment of crisis,through which they are introduced to their "other selves".”

― Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich

“You’ve changed things… forever!” Mr. J’s famous words that he first heard in a teaser trailer in Indianapolis ran through his head.  “You’ve changed things… forever!”  “You’ve!”  “You!”  “YOU!”  “YOU’ve changed things… FOREVER!”

He stared out into the morning sky and he knew he had.  HE had changed things FOREVER!  It was not an easy process.  It took over two years.  It cost him a lot.  Not necessarily money.  It cost him time.  It cost him effort.  It had cost him some friends.  However, where they really friends if they caused you pain?  No, probably not.  His commitment, dedication, and sacrifice to his new life was the stuff legends are made of.  HE had changed things FOREVER.

The picked up and blew his hair into his face.  It was blowing out to sea. His hair was longer than it had ever been.  He moved his right hand underneath his Garmin swim and fumbled for the rubber that was fit snuggly underneath it.  He slipped it over his hand and fingers and stood there waiting for the wind to die down.  When it did he looked up to the cloudy sky and let his hair fall back.  Then at the same time he right hand and left pulled his hair back into a tail.  He held it with his right hand and then did a sweep for missing hair with the left.  He then switched all the hair to the left hand and let the right sweep for loose strands.  He brought both hands back together and then dancing the rubber off his left fingers he locked his hair in place behind his head.  HE had changed things FOREVER.  He chuckled.  He remembered when he had first decided to grow his hair out.  It was 2012 and he was a Red Smoke Grill with a pretty girl and he said you think I should, she said, yes and the rest was history.  He thought maybe I have had two or three haircuts in the last two years?  Then he was struck by a thought about beard trimmings.  He never counted his beard trimmings as a haircut.  Was it a haircut?  He went to the barber shop sometimes. Not a proper haircut.      

Thinking of his beard his right hand involuntarily went to his face and ran across the stubble.  He shaved yesterday before he boarded the plane to come here.  He was amazed at how fast it grew back.  He had worn a beard for the better part of 5 years living in exile why he waited for his new life to begin.  He hide behind it, because he hated what his faced looked like hidden in a sea of fat.  HE had changed things FOREVER.  Two hundred and forty nine pounds lost through clean living, moving, and loving he had certainly done that. 

He looked back towards the parking lot.  Then turn back to the water and shed his tank top and then his gym shorts.  He squatted quickly in between the two marble slabs that were his legs and rested his arms on his thighs.  HE had changed things FOREVER.  His legs were huge.  They had always been huge.  However, swimming, biking, and running off 249 pounds had made them bigger if that was possible.  He took pride in these marble slabs.  He took pride in knowing they made him a force as a cyclist.  He loved the fact that instead of dreading hills he raced to them, so he could race up them.  As there was nothing better than coming down the other side.  HE had changed things FOREVER.

He dropped his shorts and shirt into his tri bag and grabbed his goggles.  Gave his thick thighs one more rub and stood up.  This was all part of the ritual he did before every open water swim.  Standing here on Hapuna Beach looking into this wonderful bay would be no different.  First rub his massive legs and stand.  Look down at the beach, but more importantly to his toes and wiggle them in the sand.  He liked seeing his toes.  How many years was he unable to look down and see his toes.  Next his eyes would close and he would roll his head front to left, left to back, back to right, right to front.  Once, twice, three times.  What would someone on the beach think if they saw him?  He honestly didn’t care.  Somewhere in his 38^th year he had stopped giving a fuck about what other people thought. It has set him free. HE had changed things FOREVER.

His right arm would then cross his as he continued to roll his neck.  His hand would ritualistically touch the ink on his left arm.  The symbol that said “Believe” and he had believed.  For the first time in his life he had believed and HE had changed things FOREVER.

Once he finished his embrace of his left arm, he did the same with the right arm. However, this time the symbol he touched was the “Sun”.   What was creation and life without the brightness of the sun?  Was the sun not as much of a part of his transformation as his determination and his believe?  Yes it was.  He was a creature of the Sun.  From his day of white trash tanning behind his car with the puppy on her leash until now, he was a creature of the sun.  HE had changed things FOREVER.

After the embrace of the right arm both hand would go to his back and touch the Black Reaper that rested there.  HE had changed things FOREVER.  He had risen.  He had accepted his dual nature.  He had forgiven himself for being weak and insecure.  For needing other to accept him when he could not.  For being weak, letting himself be lead around by the nose, for not knowing when to walk away from a bad hand he had been dealt and for being too stupid to move on. HE had changed things FOREVER.  His reaper was one of the four reminders. 

From his back his hand moved to his heart and they rested there for a moment on his forth tattoo.  HE had changed things FOREVER.  重生 or rebirth was scribble over his heart.  Because after all had he not died and been reborn?  Most people from his old life as an accountant didn’t recognize him now.  People now would never believe he weighed 476 pounds and lost it through hard work and not getting a surgery or some other gimmick. HE had changed things FOREVER.  His life was his own now.  He pulled his goggles on and put his earphones in his ears.  Then flipped the switch on the iPod and hit the up button twice to increase the volume.  The iPod blared Duran Duran and Wild Boys.  He was a wild boy.  HE had changed things FOREVER.

He looked out into Hapuna Bay.  What did it mean the “Spring of Life” and now he had reborn into this new life which he loved and cherished.  HE had changed things FOREVER.  He moved his left foot forward and then the right.  He felt the rush of life surge through him.  Left foot would sink in the sand, and then the right foot would.  He was at an open sprint when he hit the water and dove in.  He let the cool water wash over his reborn body.  HE had changed things FOREVER. Then he eased into his stroke.  He pulled and glided and stoked and let the sea swallow him whole.  HE had changed things FOREVER.

LET THE BLACK REAPER RISE!

“Scared”

“Hey man, I think I like being scared
An' I wish you all were here
Man I really, really think, really think that I think
I like being scared”

Dangerous Toys, “Scared”

The mind can be a dark place when there is little hope.  The world can be bleak if you think it will be forever before you will see the sun shine again.  We make a choice every day to be scared or not to be.  We have a choice to accept the status quo or to make an effort to have something, and do something wonderful in our lives.  Some folks are stuck in a rut and scared to move out of it.  I know this fear.  I know it all too well. I was this person for so much of my life.  You can’t be upset with others who aren’t will to push on and aren’t will to grasp something that is standing in front of them and take a chance.  There are not sure things.  However, sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.  You have to be willing to step off the ledge.  For most of my life I have not been willing to do this.  Where did it get me?  It got me to put one foot in my grave with a boat load of regrets.

I don’t want to regret anymore.  At the same time I don’t want to give up either. I have invested really heavily into some investments that don’t appear that they are going to pay off.  So what happens, if I walk, and then they hit?  Well, is that not the will of KA?  What is the price tag of happiness?  There is some healthy balance between the choices we make and things we move on from and the things we stick with.  There has to be.  For every door that closes does not another door open?

When did life become some complicated?  Is it not as simple as doing what makes you happy?  Stick with the positive.  Avoid the negative. 

I woke up this morning and I was not on the Path of the Beam.  I was not far from it. 

I look behind me and see the life I know.  The life that is ok. the life that is safe.  Then I turn and I see a life that is unknown.  I know so many people that refuse to turn to that life. These people are to scared to move forward and give that unknown life a try.  It is unknown therefor it is alien.  I have been one of those people for so long.   

Riddle me this.  If I deal with my weight issues, what do I have left?  What can I blame when the women of my dreams doesn’t love me?  What can I blame when I don’t make the cut?  When I fall down and have trouble getting up.  When anxiety rips my mind?  If I don’t have morbid obesity, what do I have? That is pretty fucking scary right?

It is.  What if my only worry was what do to with the time given to me and not oh god I have to lose weight?  What if I had the time to write and no one like what I had to say?  What if? 

What if I had to look in the mirror and like what I saw looking back at me?

I know one thing for sure, if I did all these things, and I would have truly lived.  I would have lived.  Think about that.  I would have stood and been true and lived.

If I wrote and got rejected, did I not write?  If I had to actually go out and do an iron man and failed did I not tri?  What if I had to look in the mirror and accept it isn’t the weight and the unhealthy life style is the reason she did not love me.  Again, did I not live? 

I turn and I look back.  There is a job that I can do, I don’t love it, but I can do it, and I get paid well.  I have no one special in my life, but at least I can’t get hurt anymore.  I look back and I see friends that support me and love, but it’s not enough because I don’t support and love myself.  I see a life where I can’t really move anymore because my weight is so much that my body can’t handle it.  It hurts to walk.  It hurts to squat.  It hurts to be.  But, I can do it.  I know I can.  I can live this life and I can laugh and I can say, oh, I did it my way.  I see this life and it is safe.  So many people make the safe choice.  Why can’t I?

Then I turn.  I try to see the other life.  I look but I can’t see it.  It is a life that is undefined.  It is unknown.  It has the potential to be beautiful and free.  It has the potential to have laughs, loves, and friends.  I turn and I look down this path and at the end I see a tower.  A vast, dark tower perched in the middle of a field of roses.  I see hard work that way.  I see unknown pleasures and I see know unknown pains.  I see struggle.  I see success.  I see a life that is worthy to live.  I might lose some friends that way.  I might get it hurt.  However, I will live.  I will live.  Its not safe.  It is real and it is alive.  It is so fucking scary, but you know…

I think I like being scared and as Dangerous Toys once said  “Hey man, I think I like being scared
An' I wish you all were here, Man I really, really think, really think that I think I like being scared”  You, being scared will take you to where you want to go and isn’t that on the other side of KA?  I do like to be scared so I walk the unknown path.  I like to be scared so I choose a life worth living.  I choose not to be safe. 

If I could, would you?

 

unrelated topic... isn't this picture Bad Ass: