A matter of an inch or four :)

The blog I had planned for today was fire and brimstone.  Last night was a bad night on the way home.  I was angry.  Does that shock you?  It shouldn’t.  I have accepted my anger.  It is what it is.  I will journal about it.  I will work out.  I will walk. I will swim.  I will do what must be done to deal with it.  That is my burden.  However, not even someone who is as angry as me can stay angry forever, especially in the face of triumph.

I don’t care what the scale says.  I don’t care what you people make of what I am saying here.  Whether you think I am really trying to change my life.  Or as some of you think, I am a weak many seeking any type of attention I can get.  Think what you want, for I care not.  What I know for sure is the world is changing. 

I am getting better.  I am moving along the path of the beam.  That isn’t evidence any more than the project I took on today when I got to the office.  For when I got out of my car, I almost lost my pants b/c they were too large and had I not taken my keys and wallet out of them then there is a good chance I would have walked across the parking in nothing but my underwear.  Not sure how I didn’t notice when I got in the car, but I sure the fuck noticed when I got out of it.  My pants are fucking huge.  I would say at least a good two inches too big for me and my belt.  Well that is a horse of a different color. 

So I waddled into the office.  Yes, I waddled to the door holding my pants with one hand.  See I am committed to not losing my pants at Callidus like I have at every other company I have worked at.  Shall we do the list?  I lost them at PWC sucking in my tummy in front of my favorite senior sweet Renee.  Quadramed I lost dancing in between the cubes.  They went down all the way to the ankles.  I had lost some weight and down, down, down they went in front of my entire team.  NetIQ was not better as I rushed out of my cube to tell the revenue director a number and I tripped on the chair sitting at the entrance and I free feel into the wall and smacked it and bounced off of it so hard I turned back and faced the cubes I was leaving and my staff member was there looking at me and her mouth dropped just as my pants did to the floor.  Strongmail at least it happened when I was boxing with Omar and b/c I had boxing gloves on he had to give me an assist and pull them up for me.  Talk about awkward.  Good thing no one else was in the gym.  Here though.  I have kept my pants on.  Well if you consider losing four pairs to rips keeping the pants on.  So fuck it, I would not have that happen today. 

So, I get to my cube and I send email to Facilities.  I request a nail and a hammer.  Funny thing is facilities didn’t ask what I wanted with it.  They just brought it.  Then I pulled my belt to the place that would be just right for my pants to stay on and this belt to hold up any other pants and I marked it with a nail.  Then like a good craftsman I went to work. 

I stacked up five annual reports.  Laid my belt across my desk and then took the nail and went to work adding a new belt hole.  It has not been since the great weight loss in the summer of ’03 has I had to do this.  That was in San Francisco.  That was a different time and a much different life that was. 

So I made the needed arrangements to keep my pants up as I worked:

Then a craftsman went to work

 So, I pounded. I pushed. Finally, after much work I broke through. I literally moved my belt in four inches. 

Seeing is believing.  Change is happening.  

Each day I strength my body, soul, and mind.  I embrace my anger.  I embrace my fear. I won’t let heartbreak, anger, hate, and self-loathing be a guide.  I will use it as a tool to grow.  I am changing.  The world should get prepared for an assault on life like it has never seen.  I am coming for it.  I will live to get radical.  I will live.  Do you see it?  I do.