A beautiful death…

A beautiful death…

I will most likely never be a father, not in the traditional sense.  I have sort of given up on that, if I ever really wanted to be one.  I have always believed there would be complications with that for several reasons, not to mention first and foremost the pure fear that I could possibly pass my madness onto another human being.  I am starting believe madness is as much a product of our genes as it is the product of the environments we subject ourselves too, the issues we choose to take on, and the baggage we can’t always get rid of.    

When I was a boy, I had a swing.  Well several swings really. I broke a lot them.  Of all the things I was given in my childhood and young adult life, the one thing I am most grateful for are those swings.  I sometimes wonder now if I could swing like I did back then if my madness, depression, and eating disorders wouldn’t be an issue.  I worked through my loneness on those swings.  You see a boy who had an overactive imagination could never really be alone.  Who knows why rocking back and forth and forth and back with the wind in my face, took me to worlds far from the time and place I was in?  Things like fights break ups, heat aches, enemies, and friends mattered not, because I had an escape.  I lived two lives.  One on my swing, and one that was a day to day grind of Jr. High, High School, and to some extent college.  I got over Erica on that swing, I was 15, in love, or perhaps obsessed is a better word for it.  I dealt with things like having friends because I had parents that travelled a lot and my home was the sight of legendary parties on that swing.  See my friends in my other life were true friends, and loyal, cared little for the parties of what I could do for them.  This being said, Adler, Chip, Horns, you were the best friends a guy could make growing up, and I value you love and friends more than most.  You three were exempt from this, know that, to this day whether we talk for long periods or not you three will always be not my friends but my brothers.   

I think the last time I swung; I was a sophomore or junior in college.  I think it was before the breaking of my mind.  I can’t be sure though.  Eventually, Mom and Dad took down my last swing and it sort of became a thing of my past.  However, some of the worlds I created back then have lived on.  They have thrived.  Evolved, yes, adapted yes, but definitely survived. 

Once such arc, or dream, or obsession whatever you call it, I still think of often.  I can’t be sure of when I created it I was 10 or 12 and still playing with GI Joe’s.  I actually played with Joe’s until I was 12 I think. I loved toys.  I still do.  I wish I could go back and play all the time like I did as a child.

Even at that young of an age, I know the world was not a fair place.  I knew it somehow and for some reason Peace was a dream.  Reality was harsh and life was anything but fair.  Again, I don’t know how or why I knew this, but I did. I lived those years sheltered and spoiled.  I didn’t appreciate what I had, when I had it.  I looked to what I wanted next.  Rarely then did I have to work for anything.  However, something told me good didn’t always trump evil.  Light was not going to always out way the dark.  Luke wouldn’t always win against Vader, and there was no way that the GI Joe cartoons could be accurate because GI could never ever, always save everyone and beat Cobra.

Let’s not get hung up on the fact that it was children’s cartoon because in my heart of hearts I believed that even in those cartoons there should have been some hints of truth.  Cobra had cooler weapons, tanks, airplanes, and bases.  That you had this evil terrorist organization that had the ability to create weather changing weapons, huge space stations, and for fucks sake even create their own leader made out of the greatest warlords of all time.  However, they couldn’t win one fucking battle over the Joes.  Come on.  Please. 

Of all the Cobra characters my favorite of all time is the Crimson Guard Commando.  These were loyal and dedicated guards who served under the command of Xamont and Tomax, and there allegiance was absolute to Cobra Commander.  Which doesn’t really carry well into the Serpentor Arc, but you can’t win them all.  These guys were bad-ass and red uniforms, with silver military dress.  Their helmets where read and had black masks covering their faces.  The coolest was the Green Beret knife’s that hung off their automatic rifles like old school bayonets.  I thought that was so cool and could imagine these bad ass soldiers going hand to hand with the Joes and leaving a path of bloody bodies in their wake. 

As I have mentioned I become disillusioned with the story arcs of the Joe cartoons.  I thought it was preposterous that Cobra didn’t win sometimes.  I mean a few battles here and there.  Then maybe the Joe’s would regroup and rally and take some wins back.  However, it would be a long running cycle and there would be ups and downs and you would never know who would win what.  I mean overall it was a kids cartoon so maybe at the end of each season Joe would win, or at least make a huge comeback.  It would be like a Game of Thrones for GI Joe. 

So, in my mind and exploits I created three things.  First, I created the Chain or Cobra, or the Cobra High Council.  It would include Cobra Commander as the supreme leader, Serpentor who would bow down to the might Cobra Commander, a character called the Emperor who wore a metal suit of armor.  He was Vader like and strong.   Also on the council were Xamont, Tomax, and Zartan too. There were a total of 13 members of Cobras. Their base of operation was a space station known as Space Station Delta and it sat in space and appeared in the night sky like star. They had achieved space travel and discovered other worlds than these and maybe just maybe, they were all equipped with red light sabers because as the travelled the far reaches of space they of course crossed paths with a budding alliance that just defeated the dark lords of the sith. Little did they know that they would cross path with the Chain of Cobras who would oppress the galaxy. So yes of-course the dreamer on his swing was the creator of a merged universe.

Another creation was a 13th member of the Chain was a young Earth orphan adopted by Cobra commander and a former friend of Bryan Burkle named Eroskin. Eroskin was armed with a light saber and he was named Commander of the Crimson Guard. He would wear the Crimson Guard uniform with golden trim instead of silver and it would be baby blue instead of red. He was promoted over a longer termed Crimson Guard commando named Wipeout and he was a real son of a bitch that was a skilled general that would question and undermine Eroskin.

Eroskin's leadership team was composed of my first character I created for this world; his right hand man a gunslinger known as Quickshot. Quick’s younger brother was also on the team and he was a long distance shooter known as Sharpshot. They were complemented by another orphan Nightmare. Nightmare was a pilot. Finally his inner circle included Duncan a strategically genius, who was younger even than his lord Eroskin.

This was a council within the council and they were charged with internal security. They were like the FBI, KGB, NSA, and homeland security wrapped into one!

The issue with high council is that there was totalitarian rule by Cobra Commander and he rules the galaxy with an iron fist. His will was the will of all. No free thought. No free will. It was Eroskin's job to make sure this happened. It was Death to question an order, to speak against one after the fact, etc... It's a harsh Galaxy and Earth being the Commander's home planet it was free and neutral territory. It was to be kept ignorant if the rest of the galaxy and self-ruled, but the rest of the Galaxy was tough rule.

It was a fun thought and a really good play time. The battles were legendary and good and bad won equally, so it seemed more real to me, regardless of the fact there were light sabers, star bases, and a galaxy of evil rule than what happened in the stupid cartoons. 

The world moved on.  I stopped swinging.  I turned my attentions to booze, camels, pussy, and career, well and of course Food.  I would eat and eat, and become a big Fathlete.  However, Eroskin and his council never left my mind.  As I changed and grew, they changed and grew. 

Erokin turned into Eros.  Light Sabers turned into Katana Blades.  The Chain of Cobras turned into The High Council.  Star Wars and GI Joe were completely phased out.  However, new and dangerous enemies were phased in.  The Methuselahian Empire known as the Ajnin were arose.  It was a vast empire that covered 2/3 of the known galaxy and was populated by sunless, darkened planets ruled by Vampires.  Vampire Bat evolved into man, and man into Vampire as part of an ever increasing Darwinian race against the humans.  The realms of man were divided into four species.  Humans like us, and our advanced evolutionary form called the Hemoglobian.  These people used almost our full brain capacity.  Their blood carried a toxin that wouldn’t allow the Vampire to feed off of them without killing the Vampire.  Then of course there were the Vampire legions which were vast and went on and on forever and there lower race the Uvoct.  These were monsters and some combination of Man creature and bat.  They had the ability for a short while to morph into a normal looking Man or Vampire since the two essentially looked the same, however, it couldn’t hold the form for long periods of time.  They are more commonly known in the Galaxy as Freaks.  They are rare, and often serve as pets, though super intelligent, and fiercely loyal, to the Methuselah. 

 Yes, I told you I have created and seen other worlds.  The big secret is it becomes a cross between Tolkien’s, Lucas’s, and Chris Carter’s worlds.  All still based on the original premise outlined by a kid and his dreams of star wars meeting GI Joes. 

Eros would eventually rebel when one of his council falls by disobeying the High Council.  He would lead a civil war between the oppressed Galaxy and his way of free thought.  A war that would drag on and on until an exiled Methuselahian would create a new war in order to expose a larger darker threat.  In glorious battle Eros would become the leader of the non Ajnin galaxy by helping the exile defeat the threat.

A 1,000 year peace would rain between the Ajnin and Eros’s people.  A galaxay at peace is a good galaxy.  Then from ghost stories and legend another new threat would arise.  The Twelve would rise up in the Ajnin empire and retake there place at the side of a mad-man who wanted to destroy all worlds and have a free galaxy for Vampires to do as they chose.  Eat who they wanted.  When they wanted, go and come as they pleased.  Once again the Exile Ajnin and Eros would team up to save the Galaxy.  Only this time, Eros wouldn’t make it. Only this time Eros would fall.    His death would be one for legend.  He would lead his people into glorious battle.  He would fight with them in the very core of the Vampire realm and there die with them at the hands of 12 themselves.  Quickshot, Sharpshot, and the Exile would prevail the day, but there leader would fall.  The man who brought peace and prosperity to the galaxy for so long would die.  It was the way of things.  It was his KA.

I cannot tell you home many times this battle has raged in my head.  I can’t tell you how many people have risen and fallen in the wake of the 12.  Eros of course being the brightest star of them all that would be diminished.  Eros who fell from grace to save one of his own and would start a revolution for what he truly believed in. 

The Exile would speak his death so his self-appointed heir Quickshot could take control of the Galaxy and one again peace would reign.  Walls would fall between Ajnin and man that never would have fallen before. 

What I can tell you is that I found myself thinking about this in my car this morning. I thought about it long and hard on the drive up.  I replayed the death scene in my head over and over.  Of Eros trying to heal himself, the Exile taking drastic measures to try and save him, and Eros’s own high council feeling helpless as they knew their leader would die.  So, I found myself once again on the verge of tears.  Watching my own creation pass on his legacy but as normal the tears were a dry hump.  They didn’t fall.  So we sit here at the end of May.  And we wonder if everything is the same, or has everything changed.  Are we stronger than we were or are we still teetering on the edge of a knife?  Do our ideas compel?  Are we going to win?  Who knows… Another week is in the books.  Later.