When it turns to hate...

When it turns to hate…

I truly believe I know myself better than most people do.  That is why I think I am so scared right now, because I see a storm cloud coming.  I see myself on a collision course with this and I don’t honestly know if there is any turning back.    

Like with any open wound, anger, will fester and get infected if left alone, picked at, or go unresolved.  The result of angers festering though isn’t necessarily sickness, amputation, or death though, it is something that is some ways is so much worse, and it is hate. 

I will be honest here; I can be a spiteful and hateful simpleton.   I have darkness in me.  It is probably why I always identify with the anti-hero so much.  Eddie Dean, Jamie Lannister, Spike from Buffy, Jake McKinnon ($50 bucks to anyone who can tell me who that is without looking it up on Google) and so on and so forth.   I try to overcome it.  I believe my blog is a testament to that.  Every day I try and get better, however, I am the asshole.  It’s a never ending uphill battle, that every day of the rest of my life I will have to battle to try and get better.  Just like I will forever be a food addict, I will always, have the immature asshole of the highest order in me.

When my anger persists long enough and it hurts me long enough it does turn to hate.  Once it goes there is very little chance of it ever going the other direction. 

If I am aware of it can I stop it?  If I have already started to hate, can I stop?

There are times when I get so angry I want the world to burn.  As Aerys would say Burn Them.   Burn Them All! 

Where does my hate come from?  Years of trying to fit into a world I don’t belong to?  Perhaps it does. Perhaps I have not loved myself for so long and that has angered me, and the fester sore grew into hate. 

Perhaps I am too harsh on myself and I have to realize just like there can be no good without bad, no happy without sad, not great love without great loss, then there must be anger and hate so I can know love and happiness?

I just know that some of my anger is turning and as much as I want to be the enlightened man.  The man on the path, I know that I cannot always be.   I know that as I keep searching the dark reaches of my mind, I will realize the reasons I hate so much and why I am so angry.  

Perhaps simply realizing I don’t want to hate anymore is enough to get away from the hate.   Perhaps. 

I know my world is changing.   I cling to that.  I cling to the hope that I will have a dream come true shortly.  I think “He thrust his fist” is a turning point in my writing.  I realize my talent comes in explaining my emotion.  I realize that is where I have to start.  I know I am making improvements that are best for Billy b. 

I just hope I can keep the hate away. I hope this doesn’t turn as I see it turning.  I hope I can recognize that hurt feelings, being upset, and scared don’t have to lead to hate.  Hate is exhausting. I don't want to be remembered for my faults.