What is a Suener?

“What is a Suener?”

“Aint a Sue-ner our football teams mascot?”  From the inbreed, toothless, yokel Oklahoman reader, which believe me I know that in that part of the country it is rare to have someone who can actually read this.

“No, but that’s cute.  However, you spell that type of Sooner.  OO, not UE.  By the way what part of Podunk you Rubes are from because I want to make sure I never go there, less I be forced into a Deliverance re-enactment.  I guess that joke does work for other states than Tennessee and Kentucky.  Who knew?”

A Suener by definition is when you leave the office for a very intimate 1 hour session with an older women, afterwards she charges you $165 bucks.  From experience I know that it is rare you don’t come back to the office more relaxed, glowing and smiling.

Let me tell you how the Suener came about.  Like 86.2% of my life it happened over text messaging.  BTW each space below represents a new text message:

Sue:       My noon cancelled for today if that time work better for you; makes no difference to me.

Billy b:  Hmmmm

                Why not

 Sue:      Why not what?

Billy b:   Noon

                I like letting people @ work know I am going for a nooner with Sue

                Or as we call it a Suener!

Sue:       LMOA, ok! Whatever Bill…

                Suener!  Hmmm, I like it…

Billy b:   Yes u will             

                Hahahahahahahah

Sue:       Especially if I get paid this time (Bloggers note: I never pay her on time, I always forget.)

                SOONER, rather than later J

Billy b:   Wow, you know how to make a guy feel dirty

THUS …..              The world was introduced to the SUENER

I know jest and jape about Sue and Suener’s and yes I have made her cry on a couple of occasions in the last few weeks, or last session, and when she read “He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts” and my response to this last one was sitting on her couch and thrusting both arms over my head in a “V” for victory and then I pump them up and down like a Sand People with a Gaderffii Stick beating down Luke Skywalker, ya, I went there.  However, I have nothing but love and respect for this woman, which I have noted many times in the past.     So there is a give and take, she gives me a lot of shit.  She also calls me to the mat regularly.  I don’t know why I trust this woman with every dark and intimate thought I have ever had, but I do. 

This is Billy b’s thinking when it comes to therapy:

I think everyone should go to therapy. We all have shit we need to purge. So, yes I recommend it. Because no matter what you can't tell your friends everything, or your family.  I have found besides my writing it is the only place I can be 100% honest and guess what they have to listen, that is why you pay the bill.  A good therapist doesn’t judge you per se, they will support you give you advice, and most importantly listen. 

That is why everyone in the office knows I go to therapy on Wednesday afternoon at noon.   I am comfortable with it.  My old boss knows.  My employees know where I am going.  Even the people around me that I work with know where I am going.  What do I have to hide?  What?  It is not like they don’t know that I am fat and have issues with self-esteem and self-love?  Come on look at me and you know. 

Embrace the chaos in our lives.  Embrace the crazy.  Embrace it all.  Look we are totally fucked up it is the human condition.   We are primal animals who have a fucking conscious, well most of us anyway.  Think about that for a second. 

So, when I found myself sitting there with here after an hour with my eyes full of tears that just won’t fall.  They want to, but they don’t, I wasn’t surprised.  My soul was completely exposed to her.  We talked about the anger, the rage, and the hate.

The truth is the all three emotions are a mask for what is really going on.  I am sad.  I am so fucking sad.  I am sad that my life isn’t where it was supposed to be.  I am sad that I am 38 and alone.  I am sad that my heard it broken.  That it was happy, and hopeful, but now it is alone and sad and broken, and I shouldn’t be sad about that.  Sometimes you have to let go.  Sometimes you have to walk away.  However, you also have to take what you have learned from the experience.  You have to remember the sweet moments when life is so beautiful you think you are going to die, because you can’t possibly imagine that life is that amazing.  Through all of this, everything that happened to me over the last 12 months, what I can say is this, I am better today for it.  I am glad it happened.  Because of it I have learned I want to live again for those simple, sweet moments, I want more out of life than a job that just doesn’t give a shit, a couch with a TV show, and food.  All that stuff is bullshit.  It isn’t life.  Life is laughing, holding, and loving.  Life is such a precious and amazing thing.  If I had not seen what I saw in the recent past, I wouldn’t know what I was missing.  I would not have started this blog.  I would not be on the path of beam now. 

For every sad thing that has happened, something great has also happened.  I could not know how fucking beautiful life was if it was not for this sadness.  So, I say, no hate, not today.  I won’t make the same mistakes that alienated friends at work, or at home.  I won’t make the mistakes of a misspent youth.  I just won’t.  I embrace the good.  I thank so much for showing me that today.  I am close, I am so fucking close.  It isn’t getting dark, no, it is getting light. 

There can’t be happy without sad.  So, like Sue says I will embrace the sad.  I want to remember things like they truly were beautiful.  I have had some great times, great friends, and good things that happened at work, and I want to focus and remember that. 

I want to continue to focus on my new vision of myself.  I want to keep eating healthy all natural foods.  I want to keep walking.  I want to do what is right and good by me.  I owe myself a huge debt.  I deserve a great life.  I understand that now based on my experience.  I won a major battle today.  If I could only explain that, I will still get mad, but I refuse to hate.  I refuse to let that define me.  I will win this war.  I will make it to the dark tower.  I will!