I was supposed to talk about Freedom today, perhaps I did...

I was supposed to talk about Freedom today.  I was going to talk about being free from the sadness, free from the anger, and free from the hate.  I spent a long period of time gathering quotes about freedom.  Morpheus, Douglas Horton, Bob Marely, and Jim Morrison were a few I was going to quote.  Then you sit down to write about it and you have nothing to say on that topic. 

You spent so much time thinking about the person you are, who you were and who you want to be.  The key being the who you want to be.  There is so much more to it than just having a good body or a healthy one.  You want to be a person who is free mentally, as well as physically. 

A huge fear of mine has always been that if I let go of the hate, and the anger, then I will lose the ability to portray these emotions.  However, when I wrote “He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts” which is all about anger, and hate of one ’s self and who you are afraid of who you are and/or you might become.  I did it free.  I was not angry.  I was not hateful.  I was just me wanting to write something that was not only personal, beautiful, but something I knew.  I know hate, and anger.  I know fear.  

Now was I passionate as I wrote.  Yes.  Distracted?  Yes.  Annoyed when I was interrupted?  Yes.  That doesn’t make me angry and mad.  So if you go through and read that post, that short story, that tale, you will feel my pain.  I was able to show it while not living it.  I was able to set myself free and still capture the emotions because at some point in time I knew those emotions and felt them.   

I must first and foremost set myself free.  I have to be willing to rise with the reaper.  I have to be willing to let go and stop living in the past.  So that I can have the life I want today and in the future.

Also, I have to let other things go, so they can be free.  You can’t make someone want to hire you, love you, or acknowledge you.  You can’t force things to be outside of the wheel of KA.  You must let it go, all of it.  Then and only then can you pick up and move down the path of the beam. 

I have written here that I had forgiven other who I felt sinned against me, I lied.  I never did, not until I found myself on messenger telling and wise ole friend what I am trying to tell you here and now. 

I have chosen to walk a path less traveled in my life.  I am not sure you can call it the higher ground but for me perhaps yes.  I choose to stop being a martyr in my story and become the hero.

I have decided to leave the past in the only place it can be, in the past.   I will cherish certain moments always, and hold those close to my heart.  I will lament how I acted in others and learn from the fool I was. 

I firmly believe each day of our life is a challenge.  I feel like each day we battle primal instinct.  I believe what makes us so beautiful is our ability and our power to adapt. 

I have to move on.  It is the only way I can heal.  I feel like I am better.  I feel relieved.  I feel happy.  As I know I have worked hard for everything I have in my life.  People can put their spin on it, but in the end, I am who I am, and where I am because of what I built.  Maybe I am a bad person, but now at this time and place of my life I need to be selfish.  I need to or how else can I save my life.  No one else will do it but me. 

I think I finally understand things now.  I refuse to continue to hate or be in an environment that allows it to gest.  I am in control and I can stop that.  I can’t control anything in this world but me.  I was sad, I was hurt, I hated myself, I so hated myself.  However, you have to let that go. 

I will still get angry.  I will still get mad.  I will still get depressed.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  However, I will recover quicker.  I will get happy faster.  I will stand and be true. 

When you stop doing shit for the wrong reasons or to try and achieve specific outcomes.  You focus on yourself and do it for you and only you, then you get better.

Thru countless counseling sessions with Sue, KJ, Jill, my sister Bb, mana, #1 and #2, I get that.  I really do get that now. 

Long days and Pleasant Nights!