Ok really... today was weird. I have so much to say but can't write anything... so I will through this back out there... it was one of my funnest.... have to go walk now... so much to do so little time... KA is a wheel
The first time I heard of Wild
Turkeys in the parking lot, is when I got a picture form my boss. I was amazed
by the randomness of the photo. I was
thinking, just where in the hell had he gone for lunch in order to get a
picture of a Wild Turkey. I had no
idea. I never thought bout it again. I
closed the picture and the world, as only the world can do, moved on.
The next time I heard about Wild
Turkeys in the parking was when a co-worker asked me if I had seen them
yet. I said seen what. She said the Wild Turkey? I said well of course I had seen, the Wild
Turkey. I mean after all was it not
Thanksgiving 2002, when I decided that it would be a great idea to ask everyone
if they wanted some Turkey? Then when
they said yes, I would go to the freezer and pull the bottle of iced chilled
Wild Turkey, set it down and then set up two shots of it. Then drink one down with them and follow it
up with a little Gobble, gobble. You see to me at this point it was not an option
to pass up the creature, gobble, gobble but rather a right of passage, a ticket
to the meal and Gods be damned if you anyone who would be eating Thanksgiving
dinner at Doc and Carol Burkle’s would be afraid of a little taste of the
Turkey. I was drunk before dinner, so
ya, ya I had seen the Wild Turkey. But,
no, she was not talking about the booze. She was talking about a beast, but a
beast of another kind. She said there
were actually wild Turkeys in the office parking lot.
Let me just tell you what a strange
concept this was for me to understand.
You see our office in though in Pleasanton isn’t in a rule area. No, quit the opposite. The office is stuck in between a major
highway and a mall. So, how could there
be turkeys in the parking lot. It made
no sense. So, I was just oh ya, whatever
turkeys in the parking lot and dismissed it.
A Turkey in an office parking lot in the middle of an oasis of office
buildings and a mall, whatever. Whatever.
Then last Thursday, a co-worker told
a tail of how when she was trying to leave the parking lot or was it come in, I
don’t recall, doesn’t matter but she played chicken with one a wild
turkeys. That she would pull forward and
then turkey would move forward, and they had a standoff. I was amused by this story, but didn’t think
a lot about it. Still, I thought the
very idea of Turkeys in parking a bit odd.
However, then same day at lunch a difference co-worker told her story
about a run in with the Turkeys. Now, four co-workers had seen turkeys in the
parking lot. I finally just accepted that
for some god unknown reason, I worked in an office building in which Wild
Turkey hung out in the parking lot.
However, once again, I dismissed it.
I was quit sure that the turkeys were something on the outskirts of the
office parking lot on the side of building I refused to park on and because of
that I would never see or have to deal with them. However, if I did ever come face to face with
these things, I am sure I would be ok, I mean after all, I am Billy b, Friend
of Animals, and Inspirations to all, or at least I have been know as that in
some circles, much like in some circles, I am known as the Blackfish, others
the Black Reaper, and still others Chopsticks Burkle.
That’s why on the fine April night
when I walked out of the office, what happened, still haunts me to my very
core. Sometimes I wonder if I had just
parked in the back of the building like 90% of the office if things wouldn’t
have been different. I wonder if I had known what I know now if I would not
have done it all differently. However,
that is all I can do now is wonder because as they say, what is done is done.
The world has moved on, and I can’t un-see what I have seen, I can’t change the
things I have done, or the things that I had to do. No. I
can’t.
It wasn’t quit dusk when I left the
man cave II that night. I had finished
up some work for the vultures, I mean the auditors, no, no these vile creature
are more like vultures for sure. They
pick on the dry dusty bones of the carrion, thus vultures, they are. Anyway, I was finishing up with them. Kenny
had already gone, he had a family obligation that night, and so I was leaving
alone. The cool spring air hit my face
when I walked out the door and I noticed the parking lot was pretty empty. I did see a lady walking towards her car in
front of me, so it was not entirely disserted.
As I walked I took my eyes off the
lady in front of me and looked over to the Mall. At that point, I wished so badly that Rachel
and Mike still lived in Pleasanton. I
wish I could say that was because I really wanted Rachel to go to the pool with
me to swim masters, but if I said this I would be lying. No, what I was really thinking is I wish they
lived here so we could go to the mall and go to Cheesecake Factory, b/c to be
honest with you I was in the mood for lettuce wraps, hand made guacamole and
chocolate chip cookie dough cheesecake.
MMMM chocolate chip cookie dough
cheesecake, I thought when I heard it.
Hear this! Hear it very
well. In your minds eye, I want you to
hear the most horrible, bloodcurdling scream you have ever heard. Hear and snap
your head up. Snap it up fast, so fast,
so fast that you give yourself whiplash.
Then see; see before you eyes the most horrific thing you have eve
seen.
See a middle age women, probably a
mother of three, she her standing at her BMW.
See her standing there at her BMW screaming, screaming like she has just
seen the Devil himself, or even worse Pennywise the Clown. GOD, I hate clowns. However, that isn’t what was in front of
her. No, what was in front of her was
some how much more terrifying. Plus, I
am convinced had it been the Devil or Pennywise; I would have been more
equipped to handle the situation. I mean
after all I watch Supernatural. Sammy
and Dean have taught me well. I know
Devil’s don’t like salt and Goblins don’t like silver. I would have therefore at least been prepared
for that. I have a silver chain on my
neck, and salt packet in my trunk (long story). No, what was in front of her getting ready
to pounce was the grandest Wild Turkey I had ever seen. When I say grand we aren’t quit talking
Macy’s Thanksgiving parade, but damn close, and with everything Sammy and Dean
had taught me on Supernatural they never taught me how to fight a Giant
Turkey. Demon check, yonder hob check,
vampire, Sasquatch, ghosts, all check.
Giant Turkey, nope no check mark for that but guess, what I got an idea
for season 7.
My instincts told me, turn your big
ass around and go back into the office.
Do, it and do it fast, because that turkey looked pissed and well,
pissed off turkey are um bad, mmmk.
However, at this point in the story, I have to curse the damn hero
inside of me, because I didn’t listen follow instinct. No, I listened to that little, much smaller,
voice in my head that said you have to do something and you have to do it
now. Move Blackfish, move. Get over there and save that poor women and
me being the idiot I am, well I listened.
I dropped my backpack off my
shoulders and sprinted across the parking lot.
Not really sure what in the Gods name I was going to do when I got over
to the giant gobbler.
It continued to crotched and just as
it was about to leap, I came flying out of no where like Terrance Tate office
linebacker and sacked the lady pulling her out of the way of this foul
beast. As I grasped the lady in my arms,
I pulled her close and tucked her underneath me and then went down to the
ground right should first and did a ninja roll.
As I popped to my feet with her in my arms coming out of the roll, she never
touched the ground. Ya, I am that kind
of a badass and I turned around to see the turkey pulling it self out of the
twisted metal heap that used to be her BMW.
Z German’s might able to make a car that can handle on rails, but not
one that can take a giant turkey to the side.
The car looked like something that had almost one the Vigo County fair
demolition derby, but had to break its stick just before the end.
As the Giant Turkey started to pull
itself outside of the scrap metal that had been this ladies car, I sprint once
again, this time to the passenger door of my high performance machine, the
Chevy Impala. Ya, its pretty bad ass, I
fill it with regular, and drive her like she is a racecar. I tossed this lady into the car and slammed
the door, and spun on my heels.
After
I came out of my spin, I found myself eye to eye with the beast, and ok it
wasn’t eye to eye, it was more like; its eyes to my belly, but you get the
point right? Then I felt a jab to my
stomach. The damn thing had lunged me
headfirst and smacked me in my gut. I
was a little stunned, then foul thing did it again, and it hurt. Well, I wasn’t going to just stand there and
being a punching back for this grand gobbler, no, no not me. So, I did what any good man would do in a
similar situation. I ran. I ran like the wind. I mean after all, I am Billy b, four time
triathlete, and finisher of at least 12 endurance vents and I rand fast.
So, picture this. A man, a man well over three hundred pounds
running. Running for his life and
running in circles around his Chevy Impala.
See this man large man, in a dead sprint. See him running for his life, and running in
circles around his car? Then see the
chaser, a Wilder Turkey. Who is bigger
than most wild turkeys, but still about 1/3 the size of the man he is
chasing. See the man. See the turkey.
Then put yourself in the place of
the man. Put yourself in the mans place
and see if as you were passing the driver side door, if you would not have had
the exact same thought. That if you
don’t do something, and do it fast, this turkey is going to catch you, and when
it does, it is going to jab you and jab you with it’s head and beak until you
are bloody. See if you don’t think the
exact same thing I thought, when I passed the driver side passenger door and
headed around the back of the car. The
only way I am going to get out of this is to out smart this fucking beast.
Then see if your mind doesn’t go
back to your childhood. See if doesn’t
see Bo and Luke Duke running from Boss Hog and Roscoe P. Coltrane and one
jumping in the passenger window and the other sliding across the hood of the
General Lee and jumping into the driver seat and pulling driving off into the
sunset. See if you don’t think to
yourself, I have to outsmart this damn turkey.
So when I start by the passenger door, in of continuing to run, I will
swing out a little further and then jump/slide across the hood of my car, and
when I do that, I will then jump into my driver side door and drive off into
the sunset, leaving this Goddamn Turkey behind.
So as I pass the passenger side tail
light, I don’t cut left hard, as I had done the previous thirty times. Yes, it was about thirty at this point. See my big ass swinging out a little more to
the little further than before. See me
then hooking back to the left and see me running towards the front right fender
of my car. See, me getting ready to
jump. See this all, and see it very
well.
Now, lets be honest. I have no illusions about my size. I am a big bastard and though light and
graceful in the pool, and being almost fish like, I am not graceful on my
feet. On a bike, I am ok, when I get the
legs pumping, I can cycle ok. However,
on my feet, I am not fleet footed. Not
in the least. More important, on a good
day, when I am feeling light, I might have a vertical of about a half-inch, and
that if we are measuring from the ground to a quarter inch of the soles of my
shoes. So the idea of me being able to
jump up onto the hood of my car, well, is just CRAZY TALK! However, I was in a
bind and I had to try.
So with the turkey now on my heels
and getting ready to catch, me I get to the front of the car, and I jump, and
well, I smack right into the fender of my car and fall straight back onto my
ass. Only, it’s not the ground I land on
but the Grand Turkey himself. And when
all my mass and me come crashing down, and down hard on this gobbler,
The splat, crunch I heard was one
that I sit here and write it is taking everything I have to keep the bile down. Think of the bigger coach roach you have ever
seen, and then think about smashing him under your shoe. Think about the sound. That splatter crunching sound that it makes
as everything that is the roach and inside that roach is destroyed. That is what I heard as my world literally
came crashing down on this turkey.
I lay there looking at the sky,
thinking, that underneath me there was nothing, but bile of broken bones and
turkey flesh. However, I was
relieved. I was relieved because even know
I had crushed this giant turkey under my girth, it was over. The nightmare was over, the chase was over, I
had saved that women. I had out run and
outwitted the wild turkey. I lay gasping for breath. Thinking that maybe, just maybe the Gods
didn’t hate me. That maybe just maybe, I
was going to get out of this in one piece.
CLICK, CLICK, CLICK… that is what I heard. The very next thing I heard was, CLICK,
CLICK, CLICK. I had heard that noise
somewhere before. That tap, tap,
tapping. I had heard it but where. My mind raced. Where had I heard that tap, click, and tap,
in threes? Then, as I tried to pull
myself up I froze and my world came crashing back down on me. My breath speed up. My heart began thumping like crazy, and a new
waive of horror washed over me, because I had placed it. I had placed that sound. Yes, yes, I had.
One of my favorite movies of all
time is Jurassic Park. Why, because I
love the Velociraptor. There is nothing
more in the world that I think is more badass than those evil bastards. Most of all, I love the part of the movie
when the raptors three are chasing the main characters in the museum. Then they would stop, for really no reason at
all. They would stop and with their
longs claw from their foot, they would do a little tap that went something like
this: CLICK, CLICK, and And CLICK. It
was just a little tap, tap, tap-a-rue.
Also, did I mention, that Velociraptor actually means bird of prey. Ya that is exactly what it means.
My head flopped, and yes, I mean flopped
to the right. I say flopped because I
had lost control of every muscle in my body, and I was reinvested with
fear. As I looked over, I saw a foot
that resembles so much the Velociraptor that I screamed. I screamed with everything that I had. Then I when I finished screaming like a
teenage girl in the latest and greatest slasher flick, I flipped my eyes up and
actually saw a larger turkey then the one, I had just pancaked under my fat
ass. Then to my left, I heard another,
CLICK, TAP, CLICK and once again my head swung over to see yet another Giant
Wild Turkey approaching form that side.
Then my head fell back as I heard yet another set of claws going CLICK,
TAP, CLICK and a third giant turkey was approaching. This when I felt my rocking at my feet and
heard a hiss and I looked up and a forth giant turkey was on the hood of my car
and he was looking like he was going to pounce on me.
I knew many things at that
moment. First, I was an idiot for not
running back into the building, being a hero was for the birds, no pun
intended. Second, I was about to get my
ass handed by a bunch of poultry.
Finally, if I didn’t move and move fast, most likely I was going to die
in that parking lot and Gods be damned of all the ways I had thought about
going over the years, at the hands of four pissed off Turkeys was one way, I
fathomed. Really, I didn’t see it
coming. Plus, I realized, I was too
young and pretty to die. So, I had to move and move quickly. I new it would
take all my stoogly cunning to get out of this mess.
That is when I remember my
training. My ninja training, that I had
under gone with Master Krug in Koto, when I was traveling in Japan earlier this
year. Yes, I was a ninja, and I would be
damned if I would let me master down by getting worked over by four
turkeys. That was no way for a ninja to
die.
So I forced myself to rock backward
and pop up onto my feet, then I gripped the smashed turkey from under me and
twirled it around like it was nunchucks and as I the four turkeys started to
close in on my, I did another ninja roll and broke the circle. If I was going to fight four cunning birds, I
wasn’t going to let any of them be behind me.
The hood turkey, he appeared to be
the leader, snapped at me and dropped from the car. He and the other three lined up and started
waking towards me. I knew at this point
I needed to do something unexpected.
Something to through these smart bastards off, something to keep them
off balance. So, I struck out quickly
with the dead bird in my hand and slapped each turkey across the face. They all perked their heads up at this and
that is when I did yet my forth ninja roll of the day and got back in between
them and my car.
However, at this point I was fresh
out of ideas, and I knew, that I was going to have to fight and well hope for
the best. As I was about to engage with
these bastards mono-y-birdo I heard something. Something that I couldn’t quite
believe, something that was so shocking, but wonderful to my ears. I heard a long and strong “AFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLLACCCCCCCKKKKKK!”
and I knew the Gods had not yet forsaken me, as out of no-where falling form
the sky came a swarm, and yes I mean a swarm of Ganders the likes I have never
seen and they were lead by my once enemy and now ally GOOSE. Yes, that goose, the one from the Story of
the Goose, and the follow up the Lost Story of the Goose. They came sweeping in much like the eagles at
the end of the Return of the King. They
swooped in and they smashed head first into the Turkeys and a battle began, a
battle that will be written about in the bird histories to compare to that of
Bull Run and Normandy. However, since I
am not a bird history, I can’t say anymore about that.
At this point the lady got out of my
front seat to see what was going on. She
was stunned and could not believe she had been saved by a flock of geese. Goose, landed in front of me. He looked over to the carnage and then looks
back at the lady, my car and me.
“Aflac” he said.
“Aflac” I said.
“You, be wanting to get her out of
here now, this is no place for a lady.” He said flipping is beak towards the
lady.
“But Goose, this is twice you have
saved me. I can’t let you keep fighting
my battles for me. I…”
“AFLACcccccc” he squawked, “your
battle lies not here, with crude animals.
Your fight is another once. A
fight that has not been won, a fight you must return to now. Leave these to me.”
“But Goose!” says I.
“But nothing, go now. You must go now, this is going to get
ugly.” He fixed me with a hard look. One that said he understood that I wanted to
help, but one that said this really wasn’t my fight. This battle had to be left to the birds. I shook my head and cast my eyes down. I dropped the dead turkey from my hand, and
asked the lady to get back in the car.
That is when Goose spoke again.
“Kid!” he said flipping his beak in the general direction of the
passenger door of the car and the lady.
“Nice Rack!” The lady and me
looked at each other and I glanced down, thinking well ya, but then turned back
to him but still with a look of shock on my face. One that he could read and he shook his head
and side. “NOT that Rack, That one!” and
with his beck he point to the top of my car, and my eyes followed him and saw
the Thule Bike rack that me and El Beaver Grande had mounted up their three
years before, then I grinned like a school boy and said “Yes, Goose, yes it is
a nice rack”
With we nodded to each other and I put the lady in the car and then ran
around to the driver side door and hopped in the Impala and drove out of the
parking lot like a bat out of hell.
By the way, I am back with Team in Training for the Summer Season 2011,
and I am going to Double Dip at Pacific Grove.
So be ready for another summer full of funny stories and hijinx that only
the Kid can indulge in!
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