There are power in words. I have said it before, and I am saying it now. There are power in words. I can't even begin to tell you how much power are in the words I am writing right now. I am writing them because I won tonight. Over the last 8 weeks I have won a lot of battles. Tonight, was just another one, however, tonight was big, because it continues me moving in the right direction.
I have said it a lot on these pages. I am an addict. I have an eating problem. My parents know it. My sibling know it. My friends know it. Whoever reads this blog knows it. I have a food addiction. Laugh, snicker, do what you must, but I have read enough about addicts, and I have known enough addicts to know what I do with food is pure and simple addiction. The issue I face is that you can't just stop eating. You must sustain life.
I am lucky because I have put myself in a situation where I have someone cooking for me. Tyson Griffin is great. I thank Omar, and all the gods, that he is in my life, because he takes the thought process out of my eating. He does the shopping, the cooking, and planning so I don't have too. It is working. Each day i get better because of his help.
I had a busy weekend. It was great! I won't lie. I had a really nice evening tonight with some good friends. I ate really well and had dessert too. However, between meals, something was said, that made me sad. A friend said she missed another friend, and it struck me very hard, because of how much I missed them too. However, I put very little thought into it. Towards the leaving time though I started to get that itch. The addicts itch. The one that has me starting to cook up a scheme of how to get more food in me even before I have left the current party I am at.
I wrote about this over Thanksgiving. That after feasts, I would stop and get to pints of Ben and Jerry's and a bag of BBQ lays and house the mother fuckers. I did it for four thanksgiving in a row. So, this year, when I broke the old pattern it was good stuff.
When, I dropped A and J off I keep telling myself that I just needed one more bite. I wasn't quiet satisfied. That if I just had something salty, that would hit the spot just right. That I could just stop and get a bag of chips. It was no big deal. IT was just a bag of potato chips. It wasn't a binge. It wasn't a failure. It was one snack on a Sunday night. Not a big deal.
Any addict that is reading this knows, that argument, and they know like I know it is a bunch of bull shit. It is a moment of weakness and in that moment the addict strikes. He uses, and makes an excuse for using so after the euphoria of the fix is over they try not to beat themselves up so bad b/c there was an excuse and a reason for the fall.
The truth is that doesn't help. Not even a little bit. The truth is you use because your an addict, and your in a destructive cycle and can't get out of it.
So, as I drove down Meridian. I asked myself a question and I asked myself to answer it honestly.
Am I hungry?
The answer was not really, but if I could have some salty chips, I would be better.
Am I hungry?
No, I guess I am not, I actually feel sort of full, almost a little to much so.
Then we asked the really hard question.
Will it make you feel any better to stop and get a bag of chips?
The answer went something like this:
No.
It will make me feel gassy in the morning.
It won't fix anything, you will still miss her.
We have been down this road before and it never leads to a good place.
Think how good we will feel writing a blog about how we didn't stop.
So here we are. On May the 4, the holiest day on the nerd calendar and I am sitting here telling you, I made it home without chips.
How do I feel about it. Like I feel about everything these days, like I want to cry and tears won't come down my face.
However, I am really proud too. I am very excited because I am better today. I am starting to pay myself back. Years of past due debts.
There are power in these words because I am going to go to bed happy now. Well after I walk the doggy pup.
Good night and I hope your May the 4th was wonder and the force is strong with you!
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