Billy b should have called a press conference today... nosey buggers...

I swear I should have held a company meeting this morning for my arrival back at work after being out of office for a week.  Apparently, no one he can actually fathom a man trying to manicure himself and look a little cleaner.  You get bombard with question after question.  You can’t even stop long enough to get through the 360 emails that have piled up while you were gone.  Then add a pink shirt no top of that and wow all the sudden you’re the fucking soup of the day and everyone wants some of you.

This is how the meeting would have gone.  Actually, it would have been more of a press conference.  I would walk up to the podium amidst camera flashes trying to get a good shoot of me.  Ever since this photo turned up on the internet on Saturday rumors have been swirling around the Kid:

 

At the podium they would snap this picture:

 

 The transcript would read something like this:

Billy b – I have called you all together to address what has become a very hot topic at the Cloud, as well as on the internet.  That topic of course is my hair.  As you can tell yes, it is much shorter than it was a week ago.  I can no longer pull it into a ponytail or a top knot.  I no longer look like a samurai or a sumo.  Also, yes, I am wearing a pink shirt, because this shirt is bad ass.  I like it and I bought it off the clearance rack at the big and fat store.  I will know open this up to questions so we can put to rest any rumors that might be floating out there.

Question 1:  Are you actively interviewing?

Billy b answer to Question 1:    I am always looking for the best opportunity for Billy b, what is best for my career and health.  I am not actively doing anything but walking and swimming.  If people call me, I listen.  If they ask questions I answer them.   Just like anyone else would.

Question 2:  Why the hair cut then? You loved your hair.

Billy b answer to Question 2:   Well I guess that is the question then. Can’t it be I just decided to get it cut?

Question 3:  So you caved to political pressure from your two wives or bitches as they are known in some circles?

Billy b answer to Question 3:  No, honestly, I can say Dorothy and Rachel had nothing to do with my hair getting cut.  I know they hated my hair.  However, as important as my friends are to me, I didn’t cave to anything.  I did this of my own free will.    

Question 4:  Mr. b I just can’t believe after all the hype you have raised around your hair, that you would just go and get it cut of your own free will.  So why get it cut now?

Billy b answer to Question 4:   The last hair cut I had prior to Saturday was on October 19, 2013, I know that because that is when Yanet (my stylist) told me was the last time I saw her was.  210 days without a haircut is a long time for anyone.  Especially for this small town boy who lived 90% of his summers with a buzz cut, given by ole Doc Burkle.

Question 5:  There has to be other circumstances.  Did you have lice?  Split ends?  Dandruff?

Billy b answer to Question 5:  after a long slow breath, and putting hands on each side of the podium.  It was 90 plus degrees in San Jose on Thursday.  You know hair is in those conditions?  Hair is hot.  I sweat a lot.  Wet sweaty hair is hot.  It was windy Friday and Saturday morning.  Long hair blows into my eyes.  It annoyed me.  I realized long hair is hot, and long hair in the eyes bugs me.  So, I decided to get it trimmed for the summer.  The best thing about hair is it grows back.  So when I go see Yanet on October 17, I will probably have the same decision to make.  I most certainly did not have dandruff, split ends or lice.  Don’t be an asshat.  Good god.  Sometimes you just need to get a haircut.  The hair tells you.  For example do you fucking realize I had to let me hair dry before I went to weigh in on Saturday.  You know that took over an hour.  That is ridiculous.  I don’t fucking blow dry my hair, I air dry it.  So, now can we please end this non-sense?  I am not looking.  I did not cave to pressure.  I got cleaned up.  That is all.

Question 6:  What about the pink shirt?

Billy b answer to Question 6:  Fuck my life I turn back to the podium.  Regain my composure.  Take a deep breath.  Look sometimes you have to take risks.  My best friend from the age of 10 sweet Chip Kenworthy told me that.  This shirt is a risk, but a good one.  I dig it.  I like how it looks.  It is cool.  And for fuck sakes it was on the clearance rack.  How you gonna walk away from that.  No more questions, on how I look today.  I am done.