When Sue cries 3

You see the tears in her eyes.  You don't think about it at the time because you want your own tears to fall so bad.  It's proper.  Your in her office again in San Jose.  Meeting Dr. Sue in your home turf.  

You've survived Vegas.  Hell you rocked it!  Your proud, but at the same time your hurting.  The same festering sore is raw and has broken back open.  Then as it always does the anger comes back.  

You sit there and tell her that you want to lash out.  Scorch the earth, burn it, burn it all down.  It doesn't matter.  She asks you.  You say because your mad.  

She asks who are you mad at.  You don't say anything for a long time.  You put your head back and stare at the pine trees.  Who am I mad at?  

The answer is so simple but so hard to say.  

Your heads back.  Eyes are closed and your tears are there.  They are there and they want to fall.  They need to but they hide.  You think you feel one roll down the side of your but it's false.

The flood gates should open.  They need to.  Cry and cleanse yourself.  Let it go.  Everyone makes there own choices.  You made yours.  It's time to move on.  However they don't fall.

Part of the reason is because you don't want to cry over this, you feel like you've gave it everything but the tears, and this is thing u have held back.  

The other reason is because you don't want to believe your worthy of moving on and to be cleansed.   You don't feel worthy of love.  You are to fucked up.  You are  to fat.  You have to many issues. You are alone because you are not worthy.  

You suddenly realize you that your saying this out loud.  She is once again wiping tears from her eyes.  You sit and ask yourself how fucked up must I be to have my therapist cry three weeks in a row?  How miserable can it be, you be?  

Then she speaks and says but you were loved.  Are loved.  You had your moment, but that's all it was.  You can't ask for more.  It was sweet.  It was good.  Your changing now.  The world is changing.  Go with it!  Don't look back.  

You know she is right.  The world is you.  You won in Vegas!  You are winning now.  Working with Tyson.  Walking everyday.  Swimming again. Most of all you don't believe your not worthy of love.  You know you are.  You know you deserve a good life.  A healthy life! A life worth living.

Happy Friday!  

Long Days and Pleasant Nights!