The God of War and Thunder has already reared its ugly head this morning. He is a feisty little bastard. It is just a culmination of many things on a bad morning. However, then I end up lashing out like a cornered dog on the people that don’t deserve it. It is pretty fucking said the first thing you do when you get to the office is IM your team and say: “Please don’t talk to me. I am in a shit mood because of X, Y, and Z.”
First, you get up and sneeze. You sneeze. You sneeze. Then you sneeze some more. For the second day in a row you allergies are fucking awful. If you know me, you know I struggle with the allergies and when I sneeze, it isn’t a little pussy chew, chew. It is a fucking full bore locomotive that rocks my entire body, not once, not twice, but three times. They always come in threes and it is hard and it is loud. Again, used to get kicked out of class in 5th grade because of my sneezes, b/c Mr. Sheehan thought I was faking. Well fuck you Sheehan.
Then there was the fall. For the 2nd time in 48 hours I fell down. The best is the first fall was on Sunday night. The strange thing is I feel getting up? Just to show you what a fucking clown show my life can be. I get out of bed. I step on the extension chord plug that I have next to my bed for my phone. It wasn’t pleasant, so I fell forward into my fan and as I tried to stop this fall I grabbed my cork board with all my meddles on it and I pulled that down and fell into my lamp and ended up sitting on the night stand. Let me tell you CPAP machine to the ass not pleasant. It was loud too. I have no idea how Rachel and the dog didn’t hear it from the other room. So, if that wasn’t bad enough. This a.m. I am in the shower and I rubba-dub-dubbing it up. I was conditioning my golden sun washed locks. I was scrubbing my face. I was brushing my teeth. I turned to put my tooth brush down and my left foot decided to slip and then next thing I know I am the first 465 pound man to successfully do the splits. I went down, that way, I swear to the old Gods, the new Gods, and possibly to the God of light. It fucking hurt me.
Then I got word that something I wanted wasn’t going to happen, that instead of ringmaster, I would be rodeo clown. Too many cooks in the kitchen you see. It was the third head of the dragon. It made me question, why I force myself to do it every day. How do you fight when you have already lost all the battles because of a tainted presence? I guess it matters not. My talents have rarely been truly appreciated. Why would now be any different. Fuck them all I say. There is not trust. There is only looking over your shoulder. I swear every day I feel like I am living game of thrones and I am Tyrion and just can’t catch a break. Fuck… there are other worlds than these… just no one is calling back. The dream of San Diego and Santa Barbara are slipping away… However, there are other worlds than these, we just have to find the Gateway.
All of this puts a taint on what was supposed to be a perfectly happy and healthy blog. I just got going down the rabbit’s whole and I couldn’t find my way out, until I had said what was needed to be said.
Fuck it.
Yesterday was a good day. Well except there was something crunchy in my fried rice and now I am being a left over freak. I need to talk to Tyson about that, b/c I get so weirded out by shit.
Anyway… I did my first two-a-day in a long time yesterday. Something I used to do often.
I am pretty stoked about this and felt pretty fucking good last night.
In the afternoon I did a little walking. 17 minutes because that is what the APP called for. So I walked it. I am following the APP every day. We have been over this. you don’t like it, fuck you, you go write an app for fat people to walk too. I feel good after walking this. I feel good ramping up. I feel good after walking. Confident. Worked out. Happy. It is normally quite calming. Of course yesterday during the cool down I tried to switch songs and ended up switching work outs. I was pissed. You would be amazed how simply my little mind is that I need the app to get the full 17 minutes or I lose my shit. I was so angry. Anyone who was out there in the parking lot and saw me must have thought I had Tourette syndrome. I am yelling at myself. Motherfucking everyone as I walk hard in circles around the cars in the parking lot. It was fucking bullshit. I am like that in the pool. When I used to do weights and my heart rate monitor wouldn’t work, I would feel the same. What is the deal? Why do I need something else to tell me how hard I have worked. What sort of fucked up world do I live in that I need to be able to post the distance on Facebook to feel good about myself? I am not sure. I am not sure.
17 Minute walk:
Warm Up: 5 minutes and .20 Miles
Main walk set: 7 minutes and .34 miles
Cool down set: 5 minutes and .20 miles
Anyway, after a day of battling GI issues. I got my walk in. Look I don’t want to be out in the parking lot and have an accident. That would be wrong on so many levels. So that was goodness. However, I decided I would stay out of the pool. It would be safer that way. However, then I got talking to myself. Then A got talking to me about going to the pool. So, I manned up and went to the pool last night too. However, on the way to the pool, I realized I forgot my iPod. So I was like fuck it we can’t go. Swimming without an iPod is nonsense. I might always be going skinny dipping. However, I was like Billy b, don’t make fucking excuses. You need the pool and the pool needs you. You love it there, it is nice out and lets be honest you having nothing weighting for you at home other than TV. Don’t get me wrong like my roommates, but you know what I mean. There is only food, TV, and playing tug of war with puppy, and that is all inside. So we aren’t working on our golden tan. So I said fuck it. Let’s go swim and without that music it will be more power meditation. And it was. I swam angry. I am angry. You know why. I don’t have to rehash. I am angry and lonely. So pool meditation freaks me out. The mind is generally quiet. I was able to focus on my breaststroke or Boob as I call it. I was lean and smooth in the water, or at least I felt that way. Ask A or j they were there if you want to know.
So I rocked out a 1200.
200 pull Boob
50 Boob
100 Boob
150 Boob
200 Boob
150 Boob
100 Boob
50 Boob
200 pull Boob
Total work out time for two workouts
and 1 hour :D
Yay Billy b….
This is funny, b/c this is what I
look like when I walk:
This is funny, b/c this is what I look like when I swim:
However, I feel like this, and I will look like this soon! I will get there because I believe I will! What the mind believes and conceives it can achieve.
Every day I believe a little bit more... Everyday I see that I am on the path of the beam. Everyday I feel the tower getting closer. It is always getting closer. I talk about my anger rather than bury it. I move becuase movement will get me there. I am going to do it. I will do this...
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