be

If I didn’t post today would you notice?  If I didn’t scream for the attention would know that I exist?  Why is it getting dark?  Why is every morning a battle to get out of bed?  Why am I always tired?  Is the black coming?  Can we stop the Black Dread?

I find myself constantly asking these questions.  Just as I feel the darkness setting in on my mind.  It’s heavy.  It is so heavy.  I want to crumble under its weight.  It is just easier to give in.  Feel sorry for yourself.  Walk with a frown.  Radiate the hate from you and let it get so hot people feel it burning off you. 

Be what they perceive you to be.  Be angry.  Be mad.  Be bitter.  Be bipolar.  Walk alone down by the black muddy river.    

The games a mind can play.  The games my mind plays.  It’s my battle.  Every day of my life I have to fight the darkness.  Exile or life, should I be a part of the society or go away and hide.  My mind is my great gift, but it is also my great curse. 

Some days it all just gets to be a little too much.  Sometimes you get tired of constantly gluing back the pieces of a broken life.  All the promises of glory and living radical are they enough to keep going.  Every swim I am pulling two and a half people through the water.  Every time I climb a set of stairs I carry two people up.  Every step is hard. 

You want to cave.  You want to give into this burden.  This burden you created.  This burden that you made by not having discipline.   For becoming what they told you would.  For trying to hide yourself from the world, so you couldn’t get hurt.  It didn’t work.  You got hurt.  You still were broken. The shield you tried to build is a mirage.  Your feelings burn inside you part want to love and part want to hate.  It’s a battle a non-stop battle.  Why fight?  Can life really be beautiful after so much pain?

You stare at the book on your desk that reminds you ever day just what a walking contradiction you are.  “The Art of Peace” by Morihei Ueshiba.  You crave the peace it speaks of, however, what do you do get there? 

You type.  You type and tell what is in your dark mind.  You open the door to what you see and what you feel.  You be true to yourself.  You accept that fact that you are beautifully flawed.  You are fat.  It is your fault.  You made bad choices.  You are alone.  Again one could argue this is also your fault.  You are angry.  You are bitter.  You are scared.  You are dark.  Yes, you are all of these things and it is ok.  We have come to accept that for every yin there must be a yang, have we not accepted our duel nature?  Have we not come to symbolize it?  In the form of the Black Reaper and is it not his sole purpose to help us cross the plains of the abyss and rise above it all.

You swim.  You swim steadily.  You rebuild your stamina.  You slowly but surely get back into a rhythm that will shape and forge your life.

You walk.  You hobble really, but either way it is one foot in front of the other.  Each step you try to go just a little faster.  There is no better meditation and peace than in a strong stride and good pace. 

You ride.  No matter how much it hurts.  You climb into the saddle and you pump and pull.  You go up and down and over and again.  You slowly build a cadence. 

You accept.  You accept who you are.  You know that you didn’t get fat overnight.  Therefore, you won’t be thin overnight and you certainly won’t go from Nez to Zen overnight.

You eat all natural, healthy, food.  You follow Tyson’s plan.  It’s that simple.   

You use every day to type, swim, bike, and walk your way to sharper mind.  You visualization who and what you want to be and slowly but surely that will start to take shape.  You keep picking up the Art of Peace and keeping trying to get better.  Every day you change.  Look how far we have come.  Then one day the Black, the darkness called by some is becoming less of a burden.

You are transforming yourself.  You are starting to change.  You are no longer an agent of the black, instead you are hope.  You are dreams.  You are Peace!

Your spirit becomes your true shield.  Your heart becomes hope.  You walk the path.  You say no, I won’t sulk today. Yes, I am tired.  Yes, my heart hurts.  Yes, results come slow.  However, look at what we have done.  252 blogs in and we are changing.  We are changing our existence.  Our life.  Our KA.

We look to the sky and point our face to the sun and we breathe in life. We are life.  We are not the night, but we are the day.  We are light.  I am light.  I am hope.  I will do this.  I believe.

This is my life and it is what I define it to be.  I am who I want to be and not who you say or think I am.  I will Rise.