Shame….

Shame….

I pick up the phone and I dial the travel agency.  I am looking am staring at my desk b/c I don’t want to look anywhere else, just in case some is listening. 

I just booked my flight to the conference.  The only issue is the website wouldn’t give me what I needed. 

Just what is that a 470 lbs fatty could need?  What is it?  I am sure you are thinking it is a meal of some sort, or maybe a seat assignment.  It is neither.  What I need is a second seat. 

You are already reeling from a heart that just won’t heal.  You are already upset.  You are at work but don’t want to be.  Today is one of those days you want to find a hole and crawl into it and just, well just die.  You’ve given up.  It’s all been for not.  And now you have to call the fucking travel agent from you work line to make sure they get the company right and ask them to do you a fucking favor and book your second seat for you.  Because being a disgusting fatty isn’t bad enough, and asking for a seat belt extender isn’t bad enough, then you have to get a 2^nd seat according to southwest.

I really thought I had hit rock bottom that day in the airport in San Jose on 4/20/2012 almost two years to the date of today.  I can’t believe, it’s been two years and I am still in the same fucking place. 

Lost in Transition: Prologue:

The story of a fat triathlete and his double down at Pacific Grove. 

It was 4/20/2012 when he left the house he was excited.  Sin City was on the horizon.  Vegas to him was a special place.  He had his copy of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” with him.  Every trip to Vegas began the same way.  Re-reading what he considered a literary masterpiece.   iWhen he left home that morning he would have never known that humiliation was on the horizon.  He would never know that Rock Bottom was here, but it was.  He would have never known what form it would come in either.  You never know when it will hit. Six months ago he was celebrating the greatest triumph of his life.  He finished not one triathlon but two triathlons in two days, the Double Down at PG. However soon he would be celebrating his worst. On a weekend that was supposed to be great but now no matter what it would be forever tarnished.

Look, he had been seeing this coming for a while. It should have been a surprise to him.  His body had been telling him that something had to change.

“I'm uncomfortable. My stomach hurts, my back hurts, my hips hurt. Every day is gas pains and peeing after every sip of water. Things have to change. I have to become the Man I am supposed to be.”

So, he should not have been shocked when Rock Bottom came at the airport, while checking into a flight to go to Vegas for a triathlon.  A triathlon he wasn’t going to do because he wasn’t ready.  Because his body just hurt too much.   A race he was not going to do.   It had taken him a while to come to terms with his failure.  With the fact he just hadn’t trained.  That he wouldn’t train.  He just figured he had no discipline, instead of being an addict, and a severely depressed.  He just figured this was his par for the course, just another thing he couldn’t do on his own.

He came crashing into Rock Bottom in the form of a worker for southwest airlines very politely informing him that for the safety of the other passengers and crew it would be best if he bought an extra seat. That he didn’t look like he would be able to get out of his seat without assistance.

He wanted to scream "Hey, fuck you, I'm a triathlete.". I doubled down at pacific grove last year. However, that was six months ago. It was forty pounds ago.  It was a different man, living a different life.  A more comfortable life.  A life that was worth living.

Somewhere in the time since the greatest moment of his life and rock bottom, he lost my way. he gave up on his life and goals. Seemingly his tower was gone forever. Or at least that is how he had been living his life.

Smoking cigarettes? Eating fast food four or five times a week? Eating sweets? Eating bags of BBQ chips at a time.  When he did cook it was two burgers and a bag of baked fries.  All of this while paying for weight watchers.

If all this wasn’t bad enough, then take into consider how much worse it is when you add in the fact he didn’t want to take showers because it is hard work to wash his massive body. When things that are as natural like going to the bathroom become choirs because of how much work it is on your body.

The guy at the southwest counter isn't wrong. He does have trouble getting around. He does hurt. He is in pain.

His Mom and Dad are pushing for gastric surgery. His doctor agrees. He is hesitant. It's not really  what he wants. However, it might be what he needs. He has scheduled a consultation for May 2012.

 
What does he want? He wants to lose weight by with TNT and eating whatever he wants. That doesn't work though. He has been down the road before.  He fails.

Weight Watchers? There was a summer he had so much success. When the meetings were at his work and going was like a cross functional meeting, it was easy.  He started to Believe in himself. He had drank the kool-aide.  However he joined last August after Sara stopped her company, and it hadn’t worked. 

The real question was did it not work of did he not work?

What had happened to him? When did he just quit? When did my life become so meaningless to him?

He don't know.

What comes next?

Well, he had to make a choice. He had to decided live or a die. He been dead twice before. He doesn’t love being dead.  He admits he is sort of dead now. He just goes through the motions of life. So maybe he is dying again. Going into his third time of dying. He doesn’t want death. He needs life, he wasnts life, he says he chooses life.

HE will go to my appointment in early May and just have surgery…

 

I sit here and wait for the travel agency to call me back and I think about then and now.  Has anything really changed?  I think that yes, it has because I did die in 2012 and I was dead until August of 2013.  That is fact. 

Perhaps my weight is the same now as it was then.  However, to say I am the exact same person.  I don’t think so. 

I have been reconciling and reviewing and searching.  So yes, today I am frustrated.  Today I am sad.  I am so fucking sad.  My heart aches.  My mind races, and melancholy sites at the forefront. 

I am still fat.  Really fat.  I get the extra seat for other passengers as I do for myself.  It is embarrassing.  I will feel shame on the flight there.  I will feel shame on the flight back. 

When I tell people I don’t really want to go somewhere it isn’t because I don’t want to go.  It is because I hurt to go.  It is a mind fuck.  My house is geared to my whale like size.  Hotels and planes and other things are not. 

I sit her typing all this saying I am to ashamed to post it.  However, did I not start the blog to deal with this shit?

Have I not dealt with a lot of shit?

I read this and understand why I am alone.  I understand how sad and pathetic is sounds.  

I have come a long way.  However, there is still so far to go. 

This morning is a pit.  External factors are still affecting me.  I will try and lock that shit up.  Until I can though. 

Who knows tonight might be amazing.  I am going to the pool after all.  I always feel better there.

After all life is as series of ups and down; strikes and gutters… the shame of this moment will pass. 


updated: Even more shame....

Email to travel agent:

Hi Hilary...

do you have a number I can reach you at?

I just called you office asking a question about getting a companion ticket b/c i am to fat to fit in one seat.

They said they were going to look into it b/c I couldn't figure out how to do it on the website and get back to me. 

so I am a little confused that is all :)

thx

On Thu, Apr 24, 2014 at 11:37 AM,  wrote:

Hello Bill.

 

What companion ticket are your referring?  It shows that you booked yourself a ticket online and it’s just for you.

Who is your companion and did you book something for them at the same time that you booked one for yourself?

Please clarify.

 

Thank you.

 

 

updated II: Hope....

 

 

We must focus on the positive.  We are changing.  We know that.  We are healing.  All of us is healing.  The mind, the heart, the body.  I will do this.  I will do this.  I am already getting better....