Free

"Freedom is something that dies unless it's used."

-       Hunter S. Thompson

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power,
and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free."

-       Jim Morrison



What do you want to be? Truly? What do you want to be Billy b?

I want to be free! In my life, my writing, my work, everything! I want
to be free!

Those of you who know me, I mean really know me; know most of the life
I have lived is a lie.  I hold only myself accountable for this.  I
have lived a life where I didn't feel good enough to be myself.  I let
other dictate what I should do, when, and how.  I wasn't strong enough
to be my own person.  I failed because I was afraid of what others
would think, or even worse say about me.

The truth is I don't care anymore.  What others have to say about me.
It doesn't matter.  I never loved myself because other accepted who
and what I was.  I think I hated myself for that reason.  I was what I
was supposed to be and I became what other expected me to be.  It is
what it is.  There is no fault, no blame, not fear, loathing or
anything else.  There is only the fact I was in a prison in my own
mind.  How I got there or why; doesn't matter.  All that matters is
what I choose to do with the time that I have left in this vessel, on
this plane of existence, in this time, and in this place.

What I want above and beyond all else is to be free.  I crave it.  I
need it, I want it.  My every thought is bent on it.  To be able to
put down on the page what I truly feel that which is in my heart and
my mind.

I want to be free to make the bold move.  I want to be free to do what
I want to do when I want to do.  I want, no I crave true freedom.  To
be able to not worry about what you think about what I write.  To be
able not to worry about what I say. Do what I want to do.  Live how I
want to live.

Over the last six months, I have gone into the darkest recesses of my
mind.  To find out the reason why I have hated myself so much and
buried myself under a mountain of lard and lies.  I have found my
sins. I am dealing with them and trying to overtake them.  It is the
only true way I can move and be free.  I hear a lot mostly from family
members they don't like my blogs, I need to let go, and move on.  I
agree. I do.  I do need to be free. However, if I don't look into the
darkness and face it how can I ever be free of it?  I get free by
facing it.  My talking about it and no longer giving it power in my
life.

We are on the verge.  We have come so far.  That is what I have been
trying to say.  As I sit here on blog three of a five blog set about
what do I truly want, I have to stop and ask myself where have I truly
been?  I am going to free my mind.  If I free my mind, then I can free
my body.  If I can free my body, then and only then can I truly pursue
happiness.  Nothing happens without freedom.  Nothing happens when the
demons are ignored and not eradicated from the mind.

I want to be free.  I really want to be free.  I want free my mind, my
heart, and my soul.