the laws of karma, KA, and being resilient..

This blog is not what I had originally intended.  First, I want to say thanks to the people who reached out to me today when i was blue...  Live is a series of ups and downs, strikes, and gutters... Some days will be good.  Some days will be bad.  However we keep on keeping on a bird that flew.  I have said this before, but I feel the need to say it now, I write in the moment.  It is the only way I can properly reflect what I am feeling.  If try and sit down later and recreate that moment, then it rarely turns out as good as if I were in the moment.  So, yes my blog is much like everyday of my life.  A serious good and bad.  I truly believe we can't appreciate pleasure without pain.  We can't up without down.  and so on and so forth... So, yes at times I am sad and write sad.  I whine, I bitch, and I moan. However, the truth is as I heard several times today, I am resilient.  I keep going.  I keep fighting.  I don't give up easy and I don't just go away.  I made a shit load of mistakes and I call the life.  I have to get from this place to that.  I have to get on the other side of KA.  I have to get to my Tower.  I can't tell you how much love I have in my heart for the three people that posted on my FB, and the other notes I got.   This is a team effort.  One man is no man.  I learned that some where along the way and I am starting to believe it.  No, that isn't right.  I do believe it.  This is our Buddy System and  hopefully my story can inspire others.  I try to write this a living breathing day to day account of how I saved my life.  How I came back from the clutches of shame, sickness, and near death.  I see my dreams coming true.  I see doing distances you can't fathom.  writing stories that touch your hear mind and soul.  I may not ever be Hunter S. Thompson, Salinger, or the master himself King, but I will spin my tales.  I may never be famous.  However, I will be true to my KA and to myself.   So this is me knowing and showing you that I am on the path.

So, i was a bear today.  I was a jerk to Jill, i was short and not really the best co-worker.  I was in my shitty mood, why, it matters not, I see what I see, and think what I think and gods only know why I was a jerk to the people on my team today.  i was harsh with Gabe too but not nearly as bad as I was to Jill.  She does nothing but work her ass off for me and I say Jill, I am very very sorry.  I wouldn't be where I am without you and yes, I will put in my expense report for Kinders :)  I get in my moods, and i am selfish enough I let it consume me.  So, my point is I was being a jerk.  Well, as a believer in Karma I truly believe that every action has an equal but opposite reaction.  therefore, I shouldn't be surprised when the laws of the universe turn the tables on me.  When the are more than happy to put me in my place and show me that being a jerk to the those who support you and put you in a position to reach your potential physically, mentally, professionally is bad.  I will spin this tale for you in the next few lines.

I will also show you that I am resilient.  I don't give up and when I decide I am going to do something, I do it.

I left work at five because I was going to go to the pool.  I have to get to the pool on the time.  
So, I leave on time but when I get to the car, I realized I don't have my smoothie.  So, I go back upstairs and get it.  So I am thinking ok.  I am a little behind schedule now, but no big deal.  I will get to the pool on time to get a lane to myself.

I sit in traffic, and I get to the gym.  Amazingly, I never once thought that I just wouldn't go swim.  That is rare, because most nights I go swimming is a fight.  Its a fight because driving you get tired, you get hungry, you get whatever, and don't want to go.  I didn't have that issue tonight.

Then I get there, I get a parking spot I like even though the place seemed crowed.  I get my stuff out of the car.  I walk the side of the building.  I go in.  I walk the length of the pool towards the locker rooms, and I set my stuff down and I realize, that I left my work out in the car.  So, I walk back down the length of the pool, out the gate, down the side of the building to my car, and I grab my work out.  Then I walk down the side of the building.  I go through the gate.  I walk the length of the pool.  I set my kick board down.  I put my work out under. I set my bottle of water out.  I grab my bag and I walk the length of another building to the locker room.  I go into the locker room.  I put my car keys in my side pocket of my bag where I always put them.  Then I open my bag and there is no swim suite.  I roll my eyes. I think holly shit, I can't believe I forgot.  The people up front are going to think I am a moron.  Or really lazy and just came to use the locker room.  So, I pack my bag back up and as I walking to the bench to pick up my stuff, I see my towel on the bench.  I walk over to it and I remember distantly that I left the house with my towel, swim suite, and flip flops.  So, what do I do, I set down my bag.

Then I walk back down the length of the pool, out the gate, down the side of the building to my car, and get to my car fill in my pockets and guess what no keys.  The keys are in the bag, which I left on the bench.  So, I am feeling pretty annoyed, I look in the back of the car and I don't see my swim suit or flip flops.  Now I am really annoyed, thinking that KA is telling me to go home.  That I am not supposed to swim.  However, I am like you know what I bet my suite is in there, because I know I had it when grabbed my towel.  I remember.  Also, I can stand at my desk on the fifth floor of my office in pleasanton and unlock my car and pop the charge door from there.  So no big deal. I can totally unlock my car from here b/c my keys are a lot closer in my bag then they are in office. So I touch the button it doesn't work.  Now I am really pissed. I am going to storm in there grab my shit and leave.  However, I turn from my car and then I walk down the side of the building.  I go through the gate.  I walk the length of the pool and i reach in my bags pocket and I get the keys and I turn around and...

I walk back down the length of the pool, out the gate, down the side of the building to my car, and get to my car unlock it with the keys that int my hand and I move some bags around and guess what there is my suite and my flip flops.  Then I turn around and I walk down the length of the building. I walk through the gate.  I walk the length of the pool. I go to the locker room.  I change.  Then I come out and all the lanes are taken.  Even the three lanes where there are no lane lines.  I can't fucking believe it when I got here there was one person in the pool.  I am like you have to be fucking kidding me.  I was like am I supposed to swim tonight or what.  So...

I walked over to the bench.  I sat down and I thought.  I thought about what a jerk I had been to the people that support me.  Jill is probably the most consistent reader of this blog.  She is a huge fan and a great friend.  What can I say about Gabe other than his presence gives me the ability to chase my goals. I work less b/c I have such great support and I was a jerk to them both today. I felt bad. I felt bad that I felt so ashamed.  I felt bad that I don't see all the strides I have made since I started this blog on 9/11/2013.  I thought and then I thought, I am here.  I am at the pool and this is where I belong. I thought, I am doing my thing.  I am doing it right and well.  I am getting better.  Each day, physically stronger,  Mentally tougher and my skin gets thicker.

I can't be so fucking hard on myself and I have to remember that a positive mind is a healthy mind.  A healthy mind is a strong mind.  If I can make my mind strong then my body and weight will follow.  I will do this.  I am on the path and yes, I can get low but the low times are less and less.  Yes, I am still sad, but I am healing and getting better.  I will come out of all this shit better and stronger than before.  I will because I want to.  I will because I am focused. I will because I am resilient and not matter what I don't quit.

So, I waited eyes closed and thought about all I needed to do to fix myself.  I though about my swimming.  I thought about PG.  I thought about just how fucking awesome I am and how much more awesome I will be.  

Some times you have to force a bad day into become a good one....

I can do this....

I will do this...

Then I swam.  I swam good. I swam hard.

each free on the IM's where sprints.  They felt great.  I was sore but I kept going.  I will do this..... I swam hard.  I swam strong and most of all my mind was quiet.  

1200 YARDS:

•             200 yards warmup - freestyle
•             200 yards kick
•             200 yards pull
•             2 x 100 - freestyle, rest in between x 20 rest
•             2 x 100 - IM, change strokes with each length (incorporate all 4 strokes if you know how, substitute alternating lengths of whichever strokes you know if not)
•             4 x 25 - freestyle
•             100 yards - cool down - your choice of stroke