When Sue cries…

 

Rage is a funny thing....

You never know when or where The Lord of Chaos is going to strike. You never know what people are doing when they are smiling to your face. You never know how you react until you do.

I'm at Sue's in the parking lot and I'm angry. I'm 20 minutes early but in angry. I want to scream fuck at the top of my lungs. I want to pack my desk up at work and go home. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of being on egg shells wonder who is doing what and what lever is being pulled in this never ending fucking game. I'm tired of updates on Facebook. I'm tired of updates on linked in. I'm tired of the news. I am tired of everything.  I try to be positive but I can't. My mind and heart are black. I'm breathing heaving and my chest is tight and I just want to scream FUCK to the world.  Scream it long and loud and shake both the heavens and the earth.

I know what you'd say: I'm defensive, sensitive, angry and bipolar. It's true. I'm all of these things. I'm so angry. I'm in such a rage. I hate all of this.

I feel sorry for Sue she is going to get tidal wave unleashed on her. One about addiction, obsession, love, anger and100% rage!  The God of War and Thunder has come to Pleasanton. I want to thrust my fist into the wall till I bleed. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of caring. I hate.

It's all hate right now. It's all anger. I play the part you want me to play. I act like I'm supposed to but inside it's a war. It's like angles and demons fighting across the plains of heaven. It's like the title fight between the fallen son and the prodigal one. It's Michael and Lucifer and it's a prize fight for the ages.

Tears come to the edge. Gods let them fall. Please gods, lets them fall. Old gods, new gods, pagan gods let them fall. Let me purge this hate. Let me clear my mind. Let me admit why I'm truly angry. Career, friendship, whatever is damned... Let me be honest if only with myself!

The tears dry up... It's time to go in.

 

This is the note I show Sue when I walk in.  It takes her to minutes to read.  It took me over twenty to right.  She laughs when she read her name.  We have a good relationship like that.  She gives me shit, and I give her shit.  However, she does what very few people have the courage to do.  She will engage the rage.  She will engage the bear.  She will walk into the darkness.  That is why I see Sue, that is why I love Sue and that is why most of all I trust Sue.  Me trusting someone is rare, very rare.  That is truth.  Real truth and unabashed truth as trust has never come easy to me.  I want to trust, I want to believe in my fellow man, but it is rare I ever do. 

Then I do exactly what I said I was going to do.  I rained down thunder, lightning, and true unabated hell fire.  The ware that has raged in myself for twenty years comes boiling out, all of it, the anger all the heart ache, all the pain.  She sits there, calm as calm can be. I go on. I hate this, I am tired of that.  Why isn’t this that, or why isn’t that this.  The point is its all rage.  It doesn’t matter where it is directed.  It doesn’t matter because of the words that she speaks next “Bill I hear ya, you say you are mad at all these things but I think what you are really mad at is yourself for not reaching your goals and being where you think you should be.”

 

THUNDERCLAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So you start talking about that, really talking about it for the first time and not making jokes. I talked about walking the path I have been on for the last twenty years, at drift without a path.  I talked about not being able to love myself, to need myself, and to see any of my accomplishments. I talked at length about my rebirth last august.  My awaking to see how fucking beautiful life could be.  I felt the tear welling up.  I felt them come to my eyes.  I felt getting heavy, however then I was so excited that I couldn’t believe they were here.   I smiled.  Then they ran away.  I just kept talking.  Sue told me she had never heard me so honest as I usually tried to hide behind sarcasm.   I talked ant the tears welled up again.  Again the pure relieve that I was somehow making a break through over joyed me and I smiled and the tears ran away.

I looked up to see that Sue was crying though.  She carried my pain for me today.  She listened to it.  She let the tears fall that I couldn’t or wasn’t ready to. 

What we agreed though was I was moving the only way I could.  Forward.  That even though sometimes you get mad because you don’t understand some things, because are burnt out and don’t have the time or patients to deal with shit, or just anything, you can only do one thing.  Move forward.  Your life wasn’t a mistake.  This isn’t a do over.  It’s a new day.  It’s a real day.  It is a beautiful day because we know we are on the path.  We are just at the anger stage.  She said I was wise because I said there can be no pleasure without pain.  No love without hate.  That I couldn’t be truly happy unless I had walked alone by the black muddy river and listened to the ripples as it moaned.  That I had to walk in the shadows of darkness to know, appreciate, and love the light.   I have changed.  I have changed since I left to see Sue.  I have changed since I have been back in this hell hole.  I see that the only thing that really matters is what I decide to do with my time.  That I choose peace and happiness and a life that is filled with that.  I feel a strange sense of peace washing over me, consuming me, with health and love.  No the love of others but the love of myself and it feels good.  I am smiling.  I realize now that I might never write the great sci-fi epic, or the great fantasy novel in which the hero over comes all odds to win the fair maiden and the day, no I might never write this.  However, I will tell the story of a hero, the hero of my life that overcame the challenges that life put in front of him to win the day.  To be who he dreamed of being and then lived that life.  I will tell the story of that hero.  I will tell it every day of the rest of my life.  This story is of my hero trial, the story of my life, and it will be a good one.  I saw all of this in her tears and in mine the ones that feel through her eyes.  It was a beautiful moment on the path of the beam!