The Kid and the Boy @ the Boy's graduation in 1996.
I was already riddle with anxiety, but it was a simpler better time. People always told me I was fat, and I believed them. Yes, I was heavy and I had terrible habits. However, I would kill to look like that right now.. except the hair, we all know that my hair now is much better. I have sweet soft locks that are angel soft and lets be honest, chicks dig the hair, even if they don't want to admit it ;-) The journey we are going to embark on is not about blame or hate, anything like that. I have vented my slights. no matter what anyone says my believes are mine and mine alone. However, lets put that away for now.
Let's decide one thing and one thing only. How are we going to deal with the anger? How are we going to deal with feeling like Ka-Mai? How are we going to deal with the hate? The answer is not in the McDonald's drive thru. It's not in a box of pizza, or a bag of lays bbq chips. OMG, I want some lays chips now. If I really do then I will have them, b/c that is how I live my life now. Anyway its not in any of those places. Its not in a pack of camels or in can of coors. Its not even in my natural habitat the pool. It is in my finger tips. See, I realize one thing that was constant in every time I have had sustained success in working out, or losing weight, it is writing. It is how I deal with it all. It is telling things in the moment about what I feel in that moment. That is why this blog is so important. That is why if I am truly to be successful in changing my life, that I will have to continue to type. My hands are magical. I am good with them, in more ways than one, forgive me a little chuckle here, i just can't help but be dirty. Damn it... lets get serious no sex jokes right now. Come on. Really. It is important. When I lost 80 lbs on WW at NetIQ, I did it b/c i wrote every day in my journal. It was dark at times, and I kept it to myself, no one has ever read that journal. No one probably ever will. Now this blog is my journal. I write about everything in my life on here. So if you read and you don't like what i say or don't understand how I feel, you have to remember this is for me to understand things and to deal with them. Not for you. Ok, that is a lie, its for both of us. For, I truly believe, I have a good story here to tell. About and I want to tell it to you. Some chapters and entries you might not like. Some might be to close to home, some might bring up bad memories and some you might see what I am really thinking and that in and of itself isn't always a good thing. It is raw and real and I won't apologize for that. I am done apologizing for who I am. I am what I am. Life's not fair. I can only be the man I was born to be. I can't hide anymore. I can't sit on the sidelines and be a spectator in my own life. I won't be the passive aggressive person anymore.
If that isn't what you want to hear and if you don't want me to get better, then i say don't read. I want you too, but you don't have too.
I am an open book for the whole world to read. I have decided and that is the path I choose.
I have demons to fight. These demons are my own. I won't ask you to go to battle with me. I can't ask that. I can only ask... well, I ask nothing. I just say, this is my journal. This is is my story of the battle for my life. this is how I will pick up the pieces of a shattered life, a life I broke, by not being true to myself. For not being who I want to be. For being who they expected me to be. Or what i perceived they expected.
Never think for a moment, I don't know where the blame of the breaking of the world, my mind, and my life belongs. It belongs with the Kid who didn't take care of himself. That never sat down and asked himself the hard questions. What do I want out of this life and what am I will to do to get it. Most things came to me easy. Rarely did I ever really have to apply myself. Also, I never wanted to make the decision. I wanted some else to make it for me. I didn't want the responsibility.
Now at end game we see what sort of man I am and what am I willing to do. Will I finish the game? Will I make the right choices. Will I choose the light side over the dark. Will I stand up to the black dread. It is end game and beaten by disappointments, failures, and not enough results over the last four months has driven me in the furthest reaches of my mind to find the answer some questions:
1) Why do I hide myself from the World? (note: in a fortress of fat)
2) Nightmare? What is out there scaring me? (note: actually what am I so afraid that will happen if I am happy?)
3) Who is that man under it all who is trying to get out? If he can accomplish so much broken, what can he do whole? What can he do when he puts his pure will behind himself and believes...
Lets get ready for the next great battle for my life....
No comments:
Post a Comment