So it begins

Thank the gods it's the weekend.  It was a rough week. Lots of little disappointments and lots of little wins.  I'm better today than I was yesterday and day before.

I'm in a personal war and every day of my life is a battle between the black and the life I want.

I don't know when the wheel first feel off. I remember being in my Chevy Blazer with Barry and Seth and being stressed out at the rip age of 17.  The stress turned to anxiety and my freshmen year of college I forgot how to sleep.  I was so anxious all the time.  I swear I had 300 heart attacks my freshman year.  I almost left IU during my 2nd semester bc of lack of sleep and anxiety.  I've never told anyone that before except my good buddy Chip.  That anxiety was some what squashed 2nd semester sophomore year and junior year and I had fun.  Enjoyed life, good grades, booze, weezie, and everything.  I even joined a study abroad program and was having the time of my life until mid February in Denmark and I had my first panic attack.  I didn't know it was a panic attack then, I though it was a heart attack bc I was "fat".  After that slowly, very slowly over the next three months my mind broke.  Obsession, anxiety, and fear  ruled my life.  A new darkness came and took up residence and I lost myself, the ability to dream and hope died.  Little did I know at the time Europe and my troubles where just the tip of the iceberg. The next four months in Indiana would be worse.  The Lord of Chaos ruledy mind with an iron fist.  I will tell this tail.  Just not today.  It's to deep and dark.  In late September or early October of 97 I found some peace in a good shrink and a bottle of pills.  However not a day has gone by since that the battle for my mind has not been fought. Also, in the fall of 97 is when the wall around me started to go up.  Rapid.  Unchecked weight gain ruled.  From fall of 1997 until now I've gained 250 pounds.  This is my wall.  My protection.  Some how my mind issues manifested into thinking I could hide myself behind a wall of fat.  Because no loves the fat man.  If no loves the fat man, then no one can get close.  If no one can get close, then you can hurt anyone.  Or so The Lord of Chaos says.. But it's a lie.  You can hurt yourself.  I have.

See only here now on a Saturday morning after waking up and thinking about her for a bit and not al of it was clean either :) do I sit with some clarity.  

I see now I never really dealt fully with the breaking of my mind and what I will always consider my first death.  We hide it.  We let me go on assuming a normal life.  But we never dealt w the breaking.  Never accepted it for what it was.  Never allowed  myself to understand I was not a freak because of it.  The mind is a tool so powerful that we barely understand it.  It has a will of its own. 

So, today I will begin to try and understand it.  Understand why I broke at 21 and why I have spent every day since trying to hide from the world behind a wall of fat.

So it begins