Ka-Mai 2

Ka-Mai 2....

Life is a cruel joke.  

It's 8:30 and all three emails are off.  If people need me after 8 the cAn call or wait.  I'm a fucking accountant or whatever you'd call me.   No number I've ever given, had, or can get ever saved a life or will it ever.  Lets get real, there just numbers and frankly they aren't that important in the grand scheme of things.  The emails will stay off till I get to my humble little cube in the morning.  Just like it gets turned off on the way out the office on Friday and Stays off until I get to the office on Monday.  There might be a few personal emails but on the rare occasion someone needs me on the weekend they have my cell, they can call or text.

And that is it, I'm done talking about my job.  It's what I do.  I have to pay bills.  I'll do it the best I can for as long as I can.  Even with the new burdens passed onto me.  That's right more to do, you have to love change.  You have to love... Ehh it doesn't matter.  I'm where I am and from 9 to 6 each Monday thru Friday I'll do my job, I'll do other peoples jobs, and it will get done.  I'll adapt and so on and so 4th... Call me lazy or whatever... More to life than a cube and really I'm done.  I'm dealing w work.  I'll get by.  I always do.  The world will move on and I'll do what I got to do.  You always get fucked in the drive thru... And you have to remember look out for number 1, bc no one else will. So on and so forth...

The truth is I'm very angry, depressed and anxious.  The thing is anger, anxiety and depression is like any other sickness or addiction of the mind .  You can only get fixed if you want to be fixed.  I know this.  It's not my first spin on the wheel of fortune or walk on the proverbial wild side.

I made a statement a few weeks ago that I choose life and I do.  However I've also stated this journey will have lots of up and downs, strikes and gutters.  Some people will get it and some won't.  This is the way of things.  So, I will do what I have to do to get my mind right.  Not for the next job, girl, or whatever, but for me.  Because I deserve to take care of the body and mind I've been given.  

I deserve to stare down my demons and deal with them.  I deserve to dance in the field of roses, I deserve to make it to Can-ka no Rey.  

I know my work is cut out for me.  I know my quest is long and my ka-tet might not make it all the way with me.  We have already lost some.  Others will fall on the way.  It's the will of KA, so be it, and so on with life.  

If a this is a diary, or a journal it's not one of a mad-man.  Not in the traditional sense.  It's one of a man who knows he has to fix his mind.  So he can fix his life.

So, I must deal w the triggers that have made me hide in my maze of fat.  The labyrinth that I use to lock the real me away and replace with the mountain that types here on this page.  The mountain that has been to scared to stand up for himself his entire life, the mountain that thought it would be easier to hide in my fat, than else where.  I have to rip all of it

Down.  Burn it all.  Leave'em where they lie.  Total war so that I can have total understanding of what my body and mind need to get me happy and sane.  

I had my first anxiety attack when I was 10 to 12.  It was summer and we where at the Grand Old Oprhy and all the sudden I didn't think I could breath.  It haunted me the whole way back from Nashville to Shelbyville and I kept asking my mom if I was gonna die.  I remember it was awful and I was so scared.  I finally fell asleep that night after waking mom and dad at least three or four times.  Was that the beginning?  Was that the first slip of my grip on my sanity?  I can't say .  It was first of many nights over the next 25 years I thought my heart or lungs would give out on me.  It was the first but certainly not the last sleepless night id have.  It was the appetizer for the anxiety the would run rampant and rule my known life. The break down senior year, the anxiety and panic from freshman and sophomore year of college.  The obsession and the depression that ruled my junior year.  The rebirth and rapid weight gain after my senior year.  

Why?  What happened?  I guess that is what I have to find out. It all has to start their.  Or maybe before.  I was always a depressed kid .   Although, I always wanted the world to be happy and everyone to live that way. It's this type of contradiction that still rules my existence.   

Ok I just dozed off... I'm out. Peace!