the Axxhole

the Axxhole

I want to write something beautiful, I just don't have it in me.  Maybe it's been too long since I've see my muse?  Maybe it's because you find out your the asshole, again?

Im on a journey of self discovery. I will find out the reasons I hold into my weight.  I come so far already.  Really I have.  I have so far to go though. It seems sometimes like a never ending journey.  

What I do and what I know right now is that I've been an asshole.  Sometimes I get so worked up in my mind I forget what myself self loathing may do to others or impact how I treat them.  I forget that I'm not the center of worlds just my world. Other people have there own lives, issues, and decisions to make and like there decisions they make are their own.  Just like the ones I make are my own.  They and it is they have their own paths to follow and their own towers to find.  

The point is when this happens you can't judge, feel bad, or angry, you can just be there and the path when then so long as they are moving in the same direction and well he there when if your ever asked for your opine.  Otherwise you just keep moving on.

It's taken me the better part of two weeks to figure that out.  But well here I am.  On the other side of KA and I'm getting it.  

Just like I get what an asshole I've been because I'm selfish, jealous, and basically have the mental capacity of a five year old at times.

I've always been an asshole.  The asshole in certain circles.  Lets be honest most of the time I'm being an asshole it's because things aren't going my way.  It's because I have perceived a slight.  I feel like I have been appreciated the way I think I should be. 

Yes that sounds about right.  It sounds like how the asshole in me operates.  I'm moody, temperamental, and down right nasty at times.  I can understand why I don't fit in some places.  45% of the time you don't know what person will show up Me or the asshole.  

I'm not writing this for pity, I'm not posting it for support, I'm writing because like i keep saying I have to understand what I am and why so I can change it.  

I know I can the asshole lives in side me.  I know I treat others unfairly.  I'm don't talk.  I radiate the hate, the fear, the loathing.

Some I'm value a lot asked me about the anger today.  Who it was generated at, And the answer isn't easy because some answers just aren't.   

The answer shouldn't be a shocker thoguh.  The main person I am angry with, is me, the asshole. 

End of the day, I am who I am and I am what I am.  I have alienated people for as little as making new friends.   I have ridiculed and teased people for no other reason than I felt slighted.   The problem is it's gotten better, but it still ain't good. At least I don't go into terror campaigns anymore like I did in elementary school and jr high.  I was a monster. I made fun of people restlessly.  It was total war too.  Start to finish.  It was all day every day and nothing was sacred.  I'd attack anything and everything.  I was the asshole.  Not a lot has changed except the name calling and to be honest has that really stopped?   No. I guess not, now I just do it in private.

So I'm angry with this person.  This me.  I expect better of myself.  

I'm tired... I ll try and finish tomorrow but... I'm out

The Asshole