I am happy. I don’t
think I say that very often. However,
last night, I was lying in my bed, and I grinned. I was happy and content, really happy and
really content for the first time in a long time. I will tell you the following truths as
well. I have no idea what I weigh, so it
was not weight loss the made me happy. I
have not tracked my food since Mid-December, so it was not that. Finally, I failed to meet my swim goal for December
and this whiplashed me into not getting my new Garmin L Also, unless I have food poisoning again for
the next two weeks, I won’t be losing 25 lbs. before January 15th. With all of that, I still lay in bed and
smiled last night and was as happy and content as I can remember being. Why then?
How could a man with a binge eating disorder, who is morbidly obese, who
has not weighed in, tracked food, or swam since December 23, 2013, and blew two
goals be so happy?
It’s pretty simple; it is because I got better yesterday and
it is 2014 and we are going to LIVE 2014!
How did I get better?
I learned new words to live by “Sleep More, Exercise More, Laugh More!”
and that I need to “Love myself” unconditionally, right now, today, as I
am. Finally, I decided, I am never going
to go on another diet as long as I am alive and let me tell you something
friend, that in and of itself, is a huge load off my toad! I have been on diets at once a year if not
more, much more, every year of my life since I was 11 or 12. I can’t remember, I remember I was in sixth
grade, and Mom had me on weight watchers.
I was a growing boy and I was on a fucking diet. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame Mom
Carol. No, got nothing but love in my
heart for my mom. She did the best she
could do with the hand she played. I
know she feared me being heavy. She feared
me ending up like her and her brother, a slave to sugar, fatty foods, and the
binge (strange how we fulfill the prophecies set out for us, I became what I
was told I would become.). I know it was
done out of love. However, I am getting
off tangent. Listen to me right here and
right now, I am done with dieting. I
will never diet again. I have washed my
hands of it. However, with that being
said, I will also say this…. “I am done gaining weight! I can’t gain anymore. If I have to live the rest of my life at the
weight I am today, so be it. However, I
will not add anymore pounds. I can’t,
and I won’t. NO MORE WEIGHT GAIN!”
Let’s see if we can’t summarize here... I am not going to
ever go on another fucking diet
or gain anymore fucking weight. Done.
See I should have just written that paragraph to begin with.
So, see I am better!
Last Sunday I watch a flick on Netflix, I have had in my
queue for five or six months, and I wish I would have watched then, but it was
a movie that inspired me. I watched FAT,
SICK & NEARLY DEAD and it is an inspiring film that chronicles Joe Cross,
the film maker’s personal mission to regain his health. Now Joe got on the Juice. Billy b can’t just get on the juice, because,
Billy b’s doctor said no and well it’s not the juicing that spoke to me. It was the fact that life is so much more
than meals. That life is about being
social, being intimate, laughing, and loving.
Plus, seeing the fresh veggies this cat was eating, actually made me want
to eat Veggies. Though I might do a
system reboot sometime in the near future, if my doctor say I can, I know
juicing isn’t my future for long term living.
So, starting this week I was thinking about vegetables. I fucking hate vegetables. More, I was thinking, that food is not
fun. I was at dinner with Rachel and Deb
on Sunday night and I love Rachel and Deb and the visit was great. However, it was not the food we ate that made
dinner great, it was the company. However,
everything I do right now for fun
involves food in some way, shape, or form. That is just wrong. Life is so much more. I don’t feel alive at the dinner table. I don’t feel alive after a binge. No. I
don’t. I feel alive after sprinting from
one end of a pool to another. I feel
alive getting to the top of a climb on my road bike and going down the other
side with the wind in my face and hitting speeds of 20 to 30 miles per
hour. That is being alive. Not food.
I realized I have to stop eating for fun and starting eating to sustain
life.
My relationship to food is fucked. My relationship with my fat is fucked. It is a sickness. I love the sugar. I love the comfort of being sad that my fat
allows me to have. The excuse it gives
me. My weight is a fortress I have built
around myself. To protect me from having
to live, or to protect me from anything else that could possibly be wrong or go
wrong. It’s my crutch. My ring.
My excuse. My weight.
I can’t go into right now why I hide myself from the world
behind my weight. I just know that I do
and you will have to trust me on that. I
will tell. I decided that a long time
ago. I have to spin my tail. I don’t know exactly why I do it but I think
I know some of the reasons. That is another
blog. I can’t hide from it anymore. What I can say is never underestimate the
power of the mind and the prisons it can build for you.
This is not a new year’s resolution. They don’t work. It is coincidence that I am writing this on and
watching this film towards the beginning of a new year. I think I told that years in my life are
measured from November 1 to October 31 anyway.
FAT, SICK & NEARLY DEAD spawned the Rachel and I to
watch an additional documentary yesterday “Hungry for Change” and wow. It was pretty impressive. This movie just breaks it down about diets,
fads, sugar, and weight loss. One of the
speakers in the movie really spoke to me Jon Gabriel. This
cat was 410 lbs (lighter than me sad to say) and he lost 220 lbs. That to me is aw-fucking inspiring. Some who did it. He fought the war and won
the war. He has kept it off for 8 or 9 years.
I spent a couple of hours learning what and how he did it. It makes sense to me. I won’t spell it all out here for you, if you
want to know go look it up. If you don’t
like his method, fine. At this point,
what do I have to lose? I have an August
Deadline or I am going to the chop shop.
So why not, I have tried every diet in the world.
So, I say Fuck dieting and I am not going to gain any more
weight and I like the way that feels. So, yes I smiled.
See the buddy system when it started wasn’t about a
diet. It was about eating less, and
moving more. We have done that. It was about confronting my binge
eating. I have been starting to do
that. Now, I am going to do it head
on.
Look if 90% of the people in your life tell you that you are
going to be fat and end up being like your uncle who was morbidly obese and you
believe them. Then perhaps it comes
true. Look since I was 12 everyone in my
life, and I do mean everyone has had some comment about my eating. Whether it is right or not, I felt like a
fucking outcast because of it. So, I
didn’t want people to see me eat bad, so I started to do it alone. I developed an issue. I have a fucking issue with food. I have a problem. I know that.
And just so we are clear! I am not blaming these people. It’s not their fault. It’s mine.
I made the decision to get me here.
I chose to believe what was said.
I chose to not believe in myself.
This blog, this revelation, this new life isn’t about blame. It is about changing things, forever. It’s about building a new life out of the
ashes of an old one. It is about finding
that healthy, happy, person who is inside me.
The one who says fuck work, I am first.
Fuck drama, I am first. Fuck everything. I am now the star of my life. So welcome 2014. I am glad you are here.
I know it is dumb, but I put a post it note on my mirror at
home. Every morning and night for 30 days,
I am going to look in that fucking mirror, and look deep into my brown eyes and
tell myself “I accept
myself unconditionally right now” Today, I did it, last night, I did it and I
liked it! I am accepting who I am. What I am.
That is the first step. Now it’s
time to convince myself that, we don’t need to hide from the world anymore,
that it is time to live the life we want.
Today, is a very good day, I can’t wait for tomorrow!!!
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