scared kid, scared man

“Walking through a grave yard,

Feeling like I am going to die,

Walking to be walking,

I don’t even know why.”  Billy b age of 13, Terror Bound, The Song of a Dead Man Cycle

“Nightmare, what’s out there scaring me?  What’s out there in my dreams?” Billy b age of 13, Nightmare, The Song of a Dead Man Cycle

 

I remember being a scared kid.  Afraid of what was out there, afraid of the things that go bump in the night, afraid of the dark, and afraid of needles.  Ghost stories where the worst.  Elvira, and the Hook Man, fuck you those scared me.  I don’t even remember the Elvira one.  I just know I was terrified of that bitch.  When I went to sleep as a boy, I would hold on to the bed so that the evil ones couldn’t get me and take me away.  Honestly my bed had these white things, and I would grip them for all I was worth and I was sure that when I closed my eyes, the Elvira, the Hook Man, Dracula, Jason, Freddy, you name it where all around my bed waiting for me to let go so they could get me.  What was I so afraid they were going to take me from?

I guess also, I believe that the only way to understand where I broke is to understand where I have been.  Apparently being scared is on that list.  The truth is I am still terrified but less of ghost and goblins and more of conflict, and not being accepted.

I don’t know I feel like most of my life I have been an outcast because of my weight.  Is that true?  I don’t know.  I guess it really doesn’t matter if it was true or false if it is what I believed.  So, I am afraid that is true.

I am afraid that the terror I used to feel will come back if I lose weight.  What if I became fat so no one could take me away?  I don’t know. To be honest, I am not sure what I am afraid of; I just know that I am afraid. 

What happens if I lose weight and no one loves me?  What happens if I become uber-successful and leave other behind? What happens if I become a bigger ass than what I am now?  What If I write a no one likes it?  What if I fail?  However, I wonder if the bigger question is what if I don’t?  What if I accept a less than ordinary life because I am scared of failing or trying or whatever? 

Worst, what if I am scared that I will lose my mind again?  What if I am afraid that they panic and anxiety and gods even worse the obsessing, the never ending worry and what if I can’t cope?  I will tell you the tale of me losing my mind.  I have too.  Again we have to break it all down.  I started to tell it last night with my first anxiety attack. 

It’s coming.  Slowly but surely, it is coming.  It’s time to be honest.  I am tired of being scared.  I am tired of regret.  I am tired.  I am tired of being scared. 

So, I firmly believe, I must look into my old fears and some of my new. Most of these fears are not rationale.  There were never any goblins dancing around my bed, waiting for me to let of the bed post.  

Fuck, I just hit a wall and have no idea what I wanted to say, there was a point to this…

 

perhaps I wil pick this line of thought up later....