Get over it....
Sometimes it the only thing to say. You feel unloved, you have you reasons, no one else would understand. So you bury it. Your eyes just water up with tears that won't fall. But then again it doesn't matter, perhaps the tears weren't meant to fall. Maybe it's time to just get over it. All of it. Yes, the last few weeks have been hard, parts of the last 20 years have been hard. I've been hard on myself, but I have to let things go. I'm off the path of beam. Sure Gastric bypass looms in my future I'm gonna fix my weight issue. Will they love me then, it's moot. Does that mean just because I've given up on one dream that I have to give up on all? Does it mean I have to settle and be miserable up until then. Perhaps it's just time to get over it. I was doing ok today, most of the day, until the last half of
It. I mean I did a power walk for 10 minutes and it felt great, yes ten minutes is all I can handle, but it's a start. I made a plan to get back to the pool, my nights are dedicated to my pool. No more distance swimming 1600 to 2000 meters with sprints thru out to get burst of speed. That's my life, I have to give my weekday nights to the pool and Saturday and Sunday morning too. I have too. Also, I ate a salad for lunch, and nothing else. What? Do you have any idea how huge that is for me? I even gave the bread away. That's the third salad in two weeks for lunch. My body wants green delicious. So part of me must walk alone by the black muddy river. Digging up all the past terrors, failures, and bad deeds. perhaps yes I have to go backwards and dig up all reasons why my body and mind need to be fat. Why I've walled myself off. maybe just because you can't have what you want, you feel alone and scared on a new path, all you can do is keep on keeping on and move one little step farther down the path. I mean I do get it. I'm broken. I'm fat. I'm depressed. I whine. I am moody. Frankly, i don't like myself very much. Why would anyone else feel good about me? However, I'm tired of feeling this way. I am tired of feeling empty and alone. So I look to my small victories today and the fact that tomorrow is another day, a new day. I will take the fact I really dig what I am reading In the gaberial method and the message of a sound heart, strong mind, and being positive. So another small victory there. I will continue to find the pieces of this broken life and cobble it together. I will take one positive at a time. I'll get back to the path of the beam and I will get over it. I will get over it. I will fill myself w positives and I will move forward. The rest of the world can quit on me, but I won't quit on me. I will get over it. Because today I accept myself. Today I decide I take control. I tell you my heart isn't as black as my mind. That I believe I will find my courage. That I will make it to the Dark Tower. That some who had the chance to go with me but didn't will regret letting me go on, but it doesn't matter. I will get over it. I will stand and be true. Iost my life once, maybe twice, and perhaps a third time, but I won't lose it again. I choose to take up and fight the fight, with Ka as my alley. I will go into the dark recesses of my mind and find why I hate myself and I will fix it. Because I am worth. I'm so fucking worth it. I mad because I have wasted so much. I am angry because I feel the way I do. I am who I am, and I hate the way I can get low, but I choose a new way. I choose to get over it. I will get up. No matter how far I get knocked down. I won't give up on anything in my life I feel is worth fight for. Anything! You here that! I will walk tall and proud. And although I for some sick fucking reason love the dark, I choose the light. I choose to stand and be true. I choose to get over it! Stand with me or don't! I care not. I choose to follow the path of the beam! I choose to be strong. I choose to push the dark way! I will find the reason I have lived a life not worthy of me. I will get over it!
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