I'm a joke, I am Ka-Mai

I'm a joke, I am Ka-Mai

I am KA-Mai for any of you idiots that haven't figured out what KA is go look it up.  There is another blog on it.  However I will paraphrase for those not following along to this point.  KA = fate = destiny etc... It's called google figure it out or go fuck yourself.  

I am Ka-Mai and Ka-Mai is Ka's fool.   Destiny's fool.  I am Eddie Dean, only I won't die in some epic shoot out to safe the worlds, no, I'll probably go with a burrito down the wind pipe, eating a cheese burger to fast and choking on it, or most likely have acid reflux/sleep apnea attack and choke to death on my own vomit.  Yes, it's either that or stabbed to death by a crazy women I'm not having sex with either are just as likely.  It doesn't matter what matters is I am Ka-Mai.  Why?  Because I'm a true believer.  It all happens for a reason right?  And more than anything you can trust those that call you friend and that say they love you.  That everyone including you has your best interest at heart and they are looking out for you.  All you have to do is be loyal and hard working and true and it all works out in the end.

HAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaHaaaAAAH 

Forgive me that you can't hear the enormous CACKLE that is flowing from mouth right now.  It's evil, almost jokerish.  It's ear piercing and Rachel and the dog are probably wondering just what in the fuck is going on in my room!  Because I'm laughing out load right and wondering why the tears that so often fill my eyes won't fall!  

Because friends and faith in others to look out for u is life's Great Lie.  Loki, oh do I love Loki, but he had it wrong Freedom isn't life's great lie.  No. No. No.  It's faith in others.  There is no faith that can placed in others unless there is enviably a dollar sign placed next to it.  That is truth.

The only person you can trust is blood or yourself and that is true.  I'm talking blood too.  Not a lover or husband or wife, friend or foe but true blood.  Anything and anyone else will let you down.  Oh I know I'm a brat or child. Don't think I don't know because I do.  Haven't I been told by at least three of my closest friends in the 24 hours to stop being a baby?  Stop being selfish?  What if I can't because all I see is black.  Darkness, and the truth.

The truth is I am a fool.   Ka's Fool!  Destiny's fool.  It's not always gonna work out.  If you want something you can't expect fate and the gods whatever gods their are to help you, no.  No you have to depend on the one constant that is always there and that is you.  Anything else will let you down.  

People will never see my point of view.  They think I'm being petty.  They think me a brat, who is selfish.  They think me just a fucking dick.  That's ok.  You can't feel how I feel till you've walked in my shoes.  Until you believed what I believe.  Then so much evidence mounts up you see the great lie.  The great deception.  That it will all work out.  That when it's your time the call will come.  No, no, no.  It won't. Because you cost to much.  Because you weren't good enough before.  That you weren't ... It doesn't matter the time for such foolish beliefs have passed.  

Oh I'm still Ka-Mai... But less so now than before.  I understand now I have to take my destiny into my own hands and I will when I stop reeling.  I'm standing smack dab in the middle of my worst fucking nightmare.  

Don't be surprised if I go away.  Because at this point I realize bearing my soul gets me no where.  I'm just a fool.  I'm a bitter angry fool.  I have a lot of hate in my heart right now and I need time to deal with it.  

I don't need a pep talk.  I don't need false hope or pity.  I see the big picture now.

I don't want to hear from you so if I don't respond think about it.

 the tears still won't fall.  Even when you see everything for what it is.  Even when you unfold the great lie.  

I knew when I started this exactly where it would end.  

I can't quantify the hurt or betrayal I feel.  I guess it's good because no one would understand.  No one would care.  So as I site hear on my throne of thorns at rock bottom, I ask you not worry about me.

I ask you to not look at me. 

Because like ever other disappointment I have suffered I will move on from this one too.  Sooner or later the great lie will fade.   The wounds will hill.  I will get by.  I always do.  That's who I am the great liar.  I'll tell you just what you want to hear.  So you will leave me be to wallow in my own self loathing.  Because it's all part of great lie isn't it?

I see black. 

The pit in my stomach is deep.  

My opine doesn't even fucking matter.

To answer your question no, Oh no I'm not actually mad.  It's so far beyond anger at this point, you can't even begin, to explain it.  It's hate.  It's loathing.  It's for one and all.  It's the great lie of our time exposed.  It's Ka-Mai understanding my place in things.  Not everything is about me after all.  

So The Lord of Chaos will rule and the joker will laugh, his maniacal laugh, and I'll smile and say it's all ok  and we will continue our dance in the great lie of our time.  I will remain Ka's fool.

I get it.  I really do.  I understand how complete some failures are now.   

Finally don't worry about the binge.  Two slices WF pizza isn't a binge.  Anything else is moot.  We all know I'm going to end up on a gurney at Stanford sooner or later.. It's feeling sooner right now bc at rock bottom their is little hope.  Why keep trying to be something I'm not.  Just like the lie of friendship, the lie I'm getting better is starting to become clear too.  I'll 88% sure I've calling Stanford Monday or Tuesday bc any hope that was left died tonight by Specialty's.  That's what happens at rock bottom.  

That's what happens when the great lie is exposed.  At least if I force myself to be thing and have plastic surgery maybe I can at least have something to look forward too.  Maybe then i can leave Ka-Mai behind? Maybe then I won't always be destiny's fool. Maybe then I can stop being so god awfully selfish. Maybe then, I can be the person others think I should be.  Maybe then it won't be such a burden to smile all the fucking and to think of

Something else other than my pathetic little existence.  Maybe then I won't hurt so bad and be so selfish.  Maybe then I won't be Ka-Mai.

See strip everything away and see what you are left with?  It's a core that is as black as my thoughts?  It's not the big heart, it's not the humor, it's the fool.  It's ugly and false.  There is nothing else but rage, anger, and hate... The humor is a cover, the heart is a lie.  It's a scared angry little boy.  It's a fool of time and space.  It's Ka.  No it's Ka's fool.  It's me, and we are one.  It's the great lie at it's very core.

New words to build my life around going forward:

"Trust No One"

"Leave them where they lie"

"Let the Black Reaper Rise"