Epic Fail...

I just woke up which means I slept thru weigh in, water aerobics, and my swim time.  I walk into the living to make some coffee because I'm so fucking tired and I'm greeted by not one but two McDonalds bags on the coffee table.  I binged last night.  It was a tough night for personally and I just gave in.  I failed.  I failed.  

As much good as I feel like I did for myself last week,  I have to wonder if i did more bad? maybe?  

I'm never going to win doing one week on and one week off.  

Sometimes the truth is I just want to eat bad.  I love it.  I love bad food.  I love to eat and I want to keep eating. I'm like a drunk in a liqueur store when it comes to food.  Put me in front of food and I'll choose the worst stuff I can get my hands on what will satisfy me most and it's never healthy stuff.  It's sausage, pizza, McDonald's, whatever I can find. 

Maybe it's time to give up?  Time to really consider gastric bypass?  I might not deal with the demons that cause me to over eat, but I will be thin? I would be more attractive.  Feel better?  Live longer.  Be someone you'd want to be with.  

God I feel like shit right now.  I'm bitter, I'm angry, I'm sad.   I just want to go get back in bed and say fuck.  Just sleep through the day and act like it never happened.  At least when I sleep I don't think.  I don't think and my mind is turned off. It's running now.  Filled with anger, hate, and self loathing.  Typical feeling I have after hard times and a good binge.  

Fear and self loathing is high today, I'm going back to bed...  It's just easier