3 days in San Jose

3 days in San Jose

I just woke up. Not from sleep but from a three day bender. God I wish I could report it was booze, sweet lady h, or hell even disco. However, it wS none of the above. It was food. A nice secret food bender. But some secrets I can't keep anymore. Some secrets have to be aired out. 

I'll admit I'm in limbo. Waiting for some spark of enlightenment to tell me what's right and next. The decisions I make over the next few weeks will forever alter the course of my life and that my dear readers is terrifying for me. 

So instead of researching and getting information on my own, I fold in ward and I binge. 

Tuesday was a trip to McDonalds after a late night in office, and look I know others are working longer and harder than me at my office, but none the less staying at work till 7 or 8 is hard on the kid, even we he gets I'm at 10. Part of being in limbo is being depressed because everything makes you tired. I will note that this bender was in top of a stomach that was so upset the night before I spend half the night on the pot. I threw up at work. And still be end of the day I was medicating at McDonalds.

Wednesday was more of the same. However Wednesday started with two bagel breakfast sandwiches from the bagel shop. I ate a philly cheese steak for lunch and then come 8 pm I'm back at M's eating the burkle special 1 double QPC, two double cheese and two large fries. 

Yesterday I got up late again. Hit the bagel shop, and started the day all over again. Only I didn't eat lunch yesterday. I had a couple bags of chips out of the machine. Then I ordered pizza on the way home. Get this.. My friend even called me and I lied to her about what I was gonna eat bc I was so ashamed of what I was doing. I didn't want her to know I was eating. I even had to hurry to get off the phone with her so that I could get to my pizza. An extra large with a side of cheesie bread. When I was done there where two slices left. 

This is what I do... This is so much of who I am. I read this and I know it's pathetic. Why can't I just not eat.

Why is my mind torn between you have an issue and you lack discipline. Why do I fear having surgery that would force the issue. Why am I so afraid to move on from this. 

Maybe because like Gollum with out his ring, billy b without his weight would be a lost and broken creature? Maybe because I've hidden myself from the world so long behind this excuse? Maybe because I would actually have to live my life it I didn't have a weight issue to think about all the time.

I don't know the answers. I only know that I'm out of bed today at 6, I'm packed to swim, and I want to believe I can get better. I have to believe I really want too because I can't relive the last three says I had in San Jose.