300 (A Video Blog)

The Buddy System Stats:

 12047 pageviews - 299 posts, last published on May 30, 2014

“It's been more than thirty years since the wolf and the winter cold. And now, as then, it is not fear that grips him, only restlessness. A heightened sense of things. The seaborn breeze, coolly, kissing the sweat at his chest and neck. Gulls cawing, complaining, even as they feast on the thousands of floating dead. The steady breathing of the 300 at his back, ready to die for him without a moment's pause. Everyone of them ready, to die.”   Dilios, 300

“I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”  Michael Jordan

"Unless my arm falls off, I'm not planning on getting this close to 300 wins and shutting it down." — Tom Glavine 

"Yeah, 300 wins is a motivating factor for me to continue to do it, there's no question about it. But the greater motivating factor is that I still enjoy it (pitching), and I feel like I can do it the way I want to do it." — Tom Glavine 

Why is 300 Special? (thank’s for the assist Google)
• Bowling a 300 is a perfect game
• 300 Spartans resisted 1M Persians at the Battle of Thermopylae, it probably didn’t go much like the movie, but the movie was Bad Ass!
• The lowest possible Fair Isaac credit score.
• In paintball, 300 ft/s is the maximum legal velocity of a shot paintball.
• In the Old Testament 300 are the number ancient Israeli Judge Gideon's followers victorious against the Midianites
• According to Islamic tradition 300 are the number of ancient Israeli king Thalut's soldiers victorious against Goliath's soldiers
• In Islamic history, 300 are the number of Muhammad's followers victorious in the Battle of Badr
• 300 are the number of families followers of Jewish heretic Sabbatai Zevi forced to convert to Islam by the Ottoman Sultan and became the ancestors of Donmeh
• 300 wins is Baseball pretty much makes a pitcher Bad Ass, Tommy G, my favorite pitcher of all time is in the 300 club.
• .300 is consider a pretty good batting average in baseball.
• 300 is a weight I would kill to weigh
• It is a triangular number and the sum of a pair of twin primes (149 + 151),
• Well as the sum of ten consecutive primes (13 + 17 + 19 + 23 + 29 + 31 + 37 + 41 + 43 + 47).

#299

I am standing on a Milestone right now.  I never in my wildest imagination would have believed when I started the Buddy System I would actually follow through with it.  But now here we are at Blog #299 and the world has changed.  I am not the man I was when I started, I am moving in the right direction.  When I started I thought this was all about weight, but it isn’t.  It is about body, mind, spirit, and of course KA. 

Rachel sent me something last night and the minute I opened it, I know what I would be writing about today.  I have talk to you about the Great War for my life.  I said there would be no peace talks, no white flags, and no going back.  I spoke about the will of KA and the breaking not only of my mind but also my heart.  I have even gone as far to tell you my biggest and most glorious dreams in this world: Iron Man Athlete, what better ending could a Fathlete have than doing the biggest race of them all.  So, when I read what Rachel sent me I knew I was on the right path because I have already started to do so many of these (http://www.lifebuzz.com/start-doing/#!Sstsd  ).    Thanks Rachel, this link meant a lot! 

So for #299 here we go how on how I am making the right moves to be the best Billy b I can be!

 

#1. Start spending time with the right people. – I am in the process of distancing myself from the most negative aspects in my life.  I have the best people I could have around me.  If tried to name them all I would be here all day.  You know who you are if you are part of my inner circle and if you have helped push me in the right direction.  I have the best people around me right now.  I have lost some who I thought would stay through war, but that is war, and that is change. I am with the best people now, and my support group is amazing, thank all of you! 

#2. Start facing your problems head on. – This blog is a testament that I am facing my issues head on.  Depression, Anger, Anxiety, Fear, Food Addiction, and loneliness all have been the topics of this blog. I have addressed each of them at some point or another.  That is what this war is dealing with where I am, so we can go where we want to go.  This is so much more than my own vanity.  It is a full on rebirth to the man I was born to be.

#3. Start being honest with yourself about everything. -  It is hard to do.  However, at some point, you have take one on the chin and look at what you have done.  Deal with it and move on.  It was not easy for me to say I am an immature selfish asshole of the highest possible order.  I am overly sensitive.  I am a spoiled brat that never appreciated anything he was given. Hurts to say that even now but it is true.  Also being honest about why I was eating was huge.  It never was about being hungry.  I was about being stressed, depressed, anxious, alone, hateful, etc..  I learned it doesn’t matter b/c you can lie to everyone else about all these things but you can’t lie to yourself, so don’t try.

#4. Start making your own happiness a priority. – If you have been around me lately you know my happiness is my number 1 priority.  I choose life and living.  I am looking for the best me from my blogging, work, friends, everything, the world is changing, and in the last year, I felt true and real happiness, and I want that all the time!

#5. Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly. – I have never been prouder to be Billy b, I don’t care that I am still 460 pounds.  I write every day and I live every day and I am who I am, I don’t hide it anymore.  I say what needs to be said. 

#6. Start noticing and living in the present. – This is a hard one for me, I struggle with it.  What is the balance of living now or living tomorrow it’s a big deal for a 460 man.  I can’t do everything I want today.  However, I can do a lot.  Physically, I might not be the best version of Billy b out there, but mentally, spiritually, I am. 

#7. Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. – I view everyday as a learning experience.  I review what I do and say in every situation.  I learn and grow, that is all I can ask to do.  I am believer each day we get better because each we experience.    

#8. Start being more polite to yourself.  – This is hard, especially when you hate yourself.  I have hated myself for so long I have forgotten how to love and be kind to myself.  I just go back to a time in August, when I had to keep telling myself this is right and good and you deserve it.  You do deserve good things too happened to you.  I am very critical of myself.  However, I can tell you even in your own head you get a lot further with carrot than the stick. 

#9. Start enjoying the things you already have. – I used to think because I was fat and single I had nothing.  What a bunch of horseshit that was.  I have everything.  Family, Friends, education, and most importantly, I have my dreams and my creativity.  These are the two things that make me the happiest.

#10. Start creating your own happiness. – This blog makes me happy.   Writing makes me happy.  So writing this blog makes me really happy.  I have gone out of my weigh to create happiness. 

#11. Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. – I have some really great creative ideas and a lot of dreams.  I see a lot realized here in this blog.  However, I am putting together stuff to try and get published!

#12. Start believing that you’re ready for the next step. – I have never been more ready to move on in my life.  I am ready to move on, it is time to move on!

#13. Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. – There was time in my life I look for acceptance in others.  I could list a lot of women I looked for acceptance in and a lot of friends.  Now, when I meet people, they meet the real me and I am not afraid to share all that I am with anyone. 

#14. Start giving new people you meet a chance. – I have so many great people in my life, but always looking for more.  I am not hiding anymore.  Welcome to my world! 

#15. Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. – Billy b from 2012 and 2013 the doer of Tri’s, it is on Mr. Double Down at PG, I am coming for you and I am going fuck you up!

#16. Start cheering for other people’s victories. – I said it earlier but I am selfish prick.  Very immature.  I need to do more of this!  I try.  I do.  I know this is a weakness and I have to get better!

#17. Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. – I believe everything in life is a lesson.  Therefore, I want to see the glass half full instead of empty.  I have had some much amazing stuff happen to me since August of last year, and I love and appreciate it all.  I have learned and grown! 

#18. Start forgiving yourself and others. – I wear bitterness like my glasses.  I can take them off but rarely do.  I need to forgive.  I need to forget, but the North Remembers, they always do, and I remember and it makes it hard.  I have to refocus on forgiveness and letting go. 

#19. Start helping those around you. – I have said it a couple times “selfish immature prick” However, I try to be giving.  I try to have open my giant heart to as many people as I can.  I do need to remember people don’t always read this and therefore, they don’t know what I am going through.  Therefore, I shouldn’t take out my weakness on them.  I have so much to give.  I need to give and help the people around me. 

#20. Start listening to your own inner voice. – I listen to the Black Reaper, my inner voice.  I do.  I take his advice to heart.  I hear the voice in my head telling me to be nice, when I am a prick.  To forgive and try to understand the other side of the coin and one story can have several points of view. Remember that and listen to the man inside the man, he tends to be much wiser than I!

#21. Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks. – I take breaks through the day.  I can’t work non-stop anymore.  I have to move, walk, and laugh.  Laughter is magical and healing.  We all need more of it.  So stop reading this and laugh, or walk around, and come back.  I think you should laugh or distract yourself at least once every hour.   

#22. Start noticing the beauty of small moments. – I am pretty sure this came directly from Sue but she calls them the sweet moments.  Know this, I would trade nothing that has happened in my life the sweet moments I have had since August till now.  Yes, there has been some pain but the joy I encountered will stay with me forever.  I say thanks for those moments I have had, and the ones I know will come again.

#23. Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. – I am only a man, and therefore I am by definition imperfect.  I am ok with who I am today, this is my life and it isn’t what it was before and I am so very fucking proud of it.   

#24. Start working toward your goals every single day. –Every day the tower is in my mind.  The vision of myself in the green shirt and everything I do is to get me to my tower, I have to keep that in my mind!

#25. Start being more open about how you feel. – I am getting better at this every day.  I don’t just wear it on my sleeve, I talk about it.  

#26. Start taking full accountability for your own life. – I am the driving force in my life.  It is my life and I have to own the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I am 460 pounds not b/c I didn’t get enough love or whatever, I am this way because I made poor decisions.  I choose to hide instead of standing and being true.  However, no more STAND AND BE TRUE!  They are words I live by!

#27. Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. – this is something again, I need to be better at.  So many good people in my life and I need to be better at maintaining these things. 

#28. Start concentrating on the things you can control. – I can’t make someone love me.  I can’t make people see how much value I could add or did add.  I can’t change the past. I can only live in the now.  I can only control myself.  I have to focus on the good I can do for Billy b. 

#29. Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. – Do you see it?  do you see that I am winning the war?  I believe in the power of the mind. I believe in the power of my vision.  I believe I will have the life I have dreamed of and be the person I want to be.  Healthy, happy, loving, and loved.  I will do this!  See it with me.  See me crossing that finish line and getting the dot M inked on my leg for all of time.  See me coming out of the water first and howling like a banshee so I wake everyone in Pacific Grove up.  See me being healthy, and happy.    The future has unlimited opportunities and my life has really just begun! 

#30. Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. – I am wealthy right now.  I have so much goodness in my life.  I am a very lucky man.  It is now up to me to show you just how lucky I am!

 

walk on ...

Just finished another 30 minute walk, my conistency has been really good over the last four weeks.  Each day we move  a little bit more and a little bit better.  My knees first the right, then the left really started to bug me today.  Its been a while since they flaired up.  I know I need to ice and stretch.  A deep tissue massage might also be in order.  I am not suprised.  I am putting a lot of stress on the knees.  Part of me thinks I should go back to the pool, however, i think walking benefits me more.  A duel work out system would be nice, but lets not get to far ahead of ourselves.  I think we did that once already when we commited to Pac Grove and Napa ride.  We are walking this out, on a progam and each day we get a little bit better.  Since April 27th, I have walked 26.07 miles over 10 hours and 18 minutes and I have felt great doing it.  I have moment when I find my stride and I move great like last night, Sunday, and Monday.  Today I got to walk with my peeps Jill and Gabe, good people, good walk.  We started out fast well fast for me, which in the end made me walk less, Gabe and his long legs, i slowed the pace down greatly after that.  Still good times and i am glad to have my walk out of the way for today, so I don't have to go through the hero's trial I went through last night on whether or not to go.  Also, got some good mid-day sun.   

Here are Billy b's top 10 benefits of Walking (in no particular order) :

1.    Helps me with my weight issue,
2.    I can do it anywhere,
3.    Reduces stress, anxiety, and depression,
4.    Low impact exercise,
5.    Lowers Blood Pressue and we all know I could use a little of that,
6.    Improves Mood,
7.    Let's me feel good about myself even when I am done b/c it makes me sweat,
8.    Maintains lean muscle,
9.    Gives me time to work on my stories b/c i dream biggest and best while walking,
10.  It's fucking good for you!!!!

when it matters most...

I was not going to go.  I had it all worked out on the way home from the office.  I actually preferred to long walks on the weekend, so I could just combine the missed Tuesday and Wednesday walk, and one as an extra session on Saturday and one as an extra session on Sunday.  No harm, not foul.  No one would ask or question it.  After all how happy was I that I was able two walk back to back to back hour walks on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.  I was tired all day and sore.  I think the combination fruit oat smoothie and Spinach wrap for lunch did a number on my tummy.  I was how do we like to call it at the Buddy System Gassy all afternoon.  There may or may not have been a wheatgerm cookies in the afternoon.  I was a busy day in the office discussing exciting topics such as new revenue literature (2 or 3 years since I read the exposure draft and I can still remember more than half of what it says, god, I am a loser),  which professional sports has the most felons, and numerous other topics that feel the day of the modern day accountant and I was tired.  I need to go home and rest.  The same walks I was so proud of, also made me so very tired.  I didn't sleep well last night.  Long story short, was I just didn't want to walk and I was not going to.  So, I was sitting on my couch, talking to the dog, as I so often do these days, asking her questions like does she remember the time she had to riddle the sphinx, if she knew that her cousins Summer and Ghost were both north of wall, if she had been a good girl all day, and why she didn't wear any pants, all to which she would answer by going and getting her toy.  I sat there and started to think, that it was these times, times when I was sitting around doing nothing, that I could turn into positive little wins for me.  That I knew and the dog knew that I would sleep better if I walked.  That it was the right thing to do because I needed to move every day.  Especially if Wheatgerm cookies where in the mix.  It was these times when I ramble on about new revenue rules, work crap, and nonsense with the dog, I am really covering up some deeper hidden out of the way issue, I am just not ready to talk about or deal with.  Perhaps we know wounds never fully heal or heal properly and some sour tastes linger on long the bite was taken.  Perhaps.   We know it at times like these when walking is the best tool we have in our  arsenal.  So we walk.  30 minutes.  We don't walk fast.  Because walking fast or slow isn't the point, the point is simply moving.  All we have to do is move.  So we do our five minute warm up.  We get barked at by neighbors dogs.  We turn Obsession on our iPhone and we settle in.  We let the emails, conversations, and comments received during the day run through or mind and we process them.  The main 20 minute set starts up and we are on Meridian and we pick it up a little bit.  We hit the half way point and we pick it up a little bit more, and we start the dream.  We start to see ourselves where we want to be. No where we are, because we, not we, I hate where I am.  I have to move on from this time and place.  I am not happy with it.  So I start to get lost in the dream.  The dream of myself.  The dream of finding my tower.  The music starts to get louder in our ears and he push a little harder, and a little faster, and by the time Duran Duran starts rocking Wild Boys we have hit our stride.  WE are walking HARD.  We are moving.  We feel light as feather and we dream.  We are the creator of worlds and we seen long and far.  We see ourselves crossing finish lines.  We see ourselves collecting the spoils of war.  I see myself tattooed and topless pointing to the sun on my right arm as I cross a finish line.  I see myself coming out of the water and letting out a bellow that can be heard a mile away.  I see myself doing what I can't and don't do today.  I know its not that far away because we are winning the little battles when it matters the most.  Like getting out and walking tonight.  Well not just walking but walking hard and as fast as we could in our work clothes and shoes.  We remember what it felt like to an endurance athlete.  We remember what it meant to feel good about who we are.  I remember why we started this.  I remember why I am going to finish this.  We turn off blossom hill as our cool down begins and we are breathing hard but feeling great.  We do feel great.  We feel alive.   We know that our tower is getting closer everyday.  We know we are in the greatest endurance event of them all, the one for our life and our sanity.  We are fully committed to coming out on the other side of Ka.  WE know have made mistakes.  Lots and lots of mistakes and we do stupid things in moments of weakness.  However, more often than not we are doing the right thing.  Everyday the last week has been torture in the drive thru at McDonalds.  I get my coffees and I always pause and when the lady says anything else, I struggle, and finally say, no not today.  Still McDonalds food free since I started working with Tyson.  :D  Everyday we wake up knowing what we committed to do.  To change our life from what we have to what we want.  My story is just begging.  Now is my time.  My time to RISE.  To stop being the Kid, and becoming the MAN, I am supposed to be.  So, we say fuck it.  Today is our day, and our time.  today we did what matters most.  We take it a day at time and a moment at time.  I will win because I already am.

The Words..... i made a promise

"Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all the nights to come."
―The Night's Watch oath (George RR Martin, A Song of Ice and Fire)


I haven't take the black... not really.  However, in my own way i did pledge an oath, not to the realms of men, but to myself, and the readers of this blog?  Did you see it?  Did you notice it?  Jill did, as Jill often does as the one of the top readers, she noticed it when I walked into the office today told me I was going to the Indy 500 next year...  I was like I didn't say that, she was like yes you did, and you promised your readers of the blog you would do it.   I went back re-read the posts from this weekend and I will be damned by all the old gods and the new but she is correct.  "I am feeling better, and made a promise to my baby brother Ding today that if I can get down 100 lbs by next years 500 I would return for the 99th running. "  I will be damned.  Ya, I said it.  In some mad rambling about the Andretti Curse, I made a promise to return to Indianapolis for the 500, and it will just cost me 2 lbs a week each week for the next 50 weeks.  This coming from a guy who followed up dropping four pounds in vegas by dropping another 1.3 it just might be possible.

The words above aren't mine, I won't even pretend that I could right such an oath.  However, let's take them one sentence at a time and see how they apply to me.

Night gathers, and now my watch begins... well night gathered over the last 20 years and it gathered in driver throughs, pizza joints, and 7-11's in between Indiana and California.  I have never met a city that I couldn't find a place to binge in.  Night is 470 pounds.  Night is being so fat your afraid to go to an interview because you might break the chair your sitting in.  My watch began on August 3, 2013, i made  promise to myself that I would take care of myself.  That I would get better.  That I would be the master of my own destiny.  I realized that life was just to beautiful not to.

It shall not end until my death... In the middle of realizing how beautiful life is, I also decided that from that day until the end of my days I would do everything in my power to get better.  I have been dead three times.  Three times and for some reason my god self won't let me parish.  My mind and heart say not today.  Today we stand.  Today we fight.

I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children...  Well, this on is iffy... Can't say what would happen if I met her.  Not 100% I have fathered any children, and oops I already hold land.  This one isn't going to work.    OK FUCK IT THIS IS TO HARD... because come to the next sentence and we are fucked!

I shall wear no crown and win no glory... Hi!  Bull shit!  I may never wear a crown, but I will win glory. I will win glories battles.  It is my curse, just like Loki, I am burden with Glorious Purpose.  I will swim, bike, and run... I will push my body as far as I can go, and that is for my ego.  I will push this as far as I can go.  I will have glory.  My own glory.  So... this is just not going to work..

What I can say, is that, I do pledge myself to my health.  I pledge myself to a good life.  An honest life, that is full and open.  I will be an open book for the entire world to read.  I will be honorable.  I will fight my war.  My war against the destroyer that lives inside of me.  I am the sword against the darkness of my own mind.  I am the shield that will protect my fragile self worth from the monsters that live inside my head.  I pledge my live and honor not to a night's watch but to my watch, my life, and my health for this night and all nights to come.  I will take care of myself.  I can do do this... NO, I will do this!

I am on a search for my tower.  Some might question is this quest a noble one or just a selfish one. It is some where in the middle.  The only person I can fight for now is me.  The only thing I can control is me.  I am the only one who can make my life better. I see that now.  I choose to make these changes. I thank the gods for Tyson and Omar.  I thank the gods for my bitches or wives #1 and #2.  I am so lucky to the have the support team I have and i won't list all them out here b/c I know I will miss someone but Bb, JC, CP, TK, DS, DD, KJ, MM, and JM are just a few that are 100% and always in my corner.  They are the watchers of the wall with me.  They make me see and realize just what I can accomplish... For this night and all nights to come... They are the dream team behind the man.    I promise you this night and all nights to come, I will do my best.  I will fight the war I must fight.  I will win.  Because I am already winning.  Don't you see that.. Don't you...

If all me must die, then All men must first live!  I choose to live... I choose what is best for me... I choose to make a promise from now on, me, myself and I first... my health.   my life.

Two a days are coming... Walk swim - Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday... Walking the rest of the weeking every day... We are in week five of walking and we love it!  I can walk an hour without  feeling like I am going to die.  See how far we have come in four weeks!!!! See... we are winning.  I will do this.. I promise this... I promise...

a curse lives on....

he tried. I feel like he ran the best he could and put himself in a position to end the curse.  half way thru the race he was the car to beat.  however, as every Indy 500 of my life has ended, we still have not crowned another Andretti as the Indy 500 champion.  He just didn't have the car today.  HReay and Helio (the tax cheat and fraud) had better cars at the end of 500 miles.  They were both good and fast.  part of me wanted them to take each other out as they passed each other lap after lap but that isn't how we want the curse to end is it?  Marco is 27, he has a lot of racing left in him.  He has a great team and great equipment.  I think he will win one day.   Then again, I thought his dad would win multiple times, and time and again it didn't happen.  If I am disappointed, I would hate to be anywhere near Marco Andretti tonight, because I can't even begin to image his disappointment.  As a fan all we can do is hope that next year he will charge hard and run a good race, and all the stars align to get him to Victory Lane.  

I always find it funny when people tell me that Race Car drivers aren't athletes.  Growing up with a  dad who was a doctor at the Terre Haute Action Track, and a huge Indy Car fan,  I have never agreed with this assessment.  If anyone could do it, then we would all be driving really fast for a living, and millionaires.  Watching the guys hands in the car today, there is so much more going on than driving fast, and turning left.  These guys are pretty amazing.

As The Andretti Luck at Indy or the Curse lives on, I see another curse fading into the shadows.  That is my curse.  I feel it.  I feel like I am coming to the end of the bad times.  I don't know why I feel that way, I just do.  I see myself getting better.  Steadily moving in the right direction, making better choices, moving more, and being happy.  Its been a long strange trip.  However, I believe I will come out on the other side.  I know I will.

I am feeling better, and made a promise to my baby brother Ding today that if I can get down 100 lbs by next years 500 I would return for the 99th running.  I would be miserable at Indy right now.  I would have trouble getting to the seats.  Going up the stairs.  Walking back and forth through the grand stands that I used to think where so big and scary as a kid.  I honestly believe, that next May I will be in Indianapolis.  Gods know I want to be.  I know my family will hate me when I say this, however, Race Morning, is the only day, I really, really miss living in Indiana.  That is truth.  Ok, minor confession, here, I realize the I need to amend that to say Thanksgiving as well, b/c Mom Carol   can put on a spread.  I go home for Xmas, so I can't regret not living there for that day :D

My best friend Poogie, and my baby Brother Ding are the two biggest Indy fans I have ever met.  They can sit there and talk Indy car forever.  There is nothing cooler than the sound of an Indy car going top speed.  I used to be huge fan to, but i can't compare with those to.  Just like all major sports racing is something that has faded out of my life, just like Football, baseball, basketball, and hockey.  I am not sure if it is because I became an endurance athlete or not.  However, I just don't love sports like I used to.  However, I find myself every Sunday morning of Memorial day weekend locked to the TV.

Anyway, the Beaver is on the way over to watch GOT, we have several episodes to catch up on and a Tri-tip to grill up.  Mmmmmm MEAT!

I guess in the end my point was one curse lives on today, but one curse is broken.  Because I am back in the game of life.  I am the master and commander of my destiny.  I feel the weight going away.  I feel my body becoming healthy again.  I feel like I am in control!

Happy Long Weekend People!!!! Long Days and Pleasant Nights!!!!

video blog - short, not a lot to say, happy memorial day weekend and some of my favorite memorial day memories....

look out Eddie they are coming!!!!!

My all time favorite memorial day weekend memory is when the Andretti's split Eddie Cheever, it was 1992 and it was awesome!!!

Without the polesitter in the race, second place starter Eddie Cheever was charged with leading the field to the green flag. In turn one, Michael and Mario Andretti split Cheever on the inside and outside and took the lead. Michael Andretti blistered the track to set a new record for the first lap at 210.339 mph. After only four laps of green flag racing, however, Eric Bachelart blew an engine, and brought out the yellow.

The Curse would not be lifted that day as on lap 189 we would hear Michael is slowing on the back stretch and even though he lead 160 of 180 laps, Michael would fall short of victory.  My least favorite driver of all time because he was red headed ginger with a mole on his face, Al Unser Jr won the race, in the closest finish of all time over Scott Goodyear.  It was truly an awesome finish but Andretti would be denied again at Indy.

So this year... I hope Marco can do it.  Marco son of Michael and grandson of Mario can finally break the curse that has endured since 1969.  45 years is a long time for the Andretti curse at Indianapolis.  The most famous racing family in Indy Car and its most favorite track need to re-unit.  

Other great memorial day weekend memories included:

1.  Shaun "Boner" Schreoder and Ding Burkle hiding a case of beer in a soda box and getting hammered at the race at the ripe ole age of like 12.

2.  George's stories, my dad's best friend, had some of the best stories of all time.  When he was hard at the Gin and Marlboro lights the man would hold court and we would all sit down and listen.  He brought his family to our house every year for the 500 and every year i think it was our favorite weekend.

3.  My Dad sleeping at the 500.  Have you every heard an Indy car?  It is loud.  Really fucking loud.  I mean so loud.  It isa hight pitched scream that just screams I AM GOING FAST!  My dad is the only man I have ever known to be able to sleep through this, every year, I went to the race.  It never failed.  My old man who could sleep anywhere, could even do it at the 500.

4.  My good buddy Chip and my sister Heidi shot gunning beers together.  It became a Memorial Day weekend tradition.  The best is when he would try to hit on her, i have never seen some one crash and burn so hard.  

5.  Mom's hoagies.  Mom Carol could make a hoagie.  I mean it.  It was a great sub sandwich   However they tasted better at the end of the day, melted from the heat of the day.  They were all gooey and damn they were tasty.  Best sandwich I ever had.

6.  Billy b and Goop's walk of shame. (indy track memory not really race weekend but close enough it was carb day)  It was Indianapolis.  It was junior year, and I promised Prox's mom, I wouldn't let anything happen to her son.  Famous last words, right.     there was probably 10 of us.  Three 18 year old.  Ding who was 15.  Dirty Steve, Prox, Me, Poog, and Sweet Chip and three cases of beer and we headed to the track.  The plan was keep beer in McDonald's glass.  don't get caught.  Prox didn't do this and the next thing you know the cops swarmed the van.  thank goodness ding and chip where sober.  I turned and walked off at top speed after I saw a badge flashed.  I was grabbed and knew I was busted, but to my fortune it was Goop.  He took me to the bathroom forced a burger and gum down my throat and then we went to the bleachers where we watched our friends get arrested after poring out 3 cases of beer.  Still your fault Prox.  Then we decided it would be best if we walked the 2.5 mile oval in opposite directions before going back to the car.  Ding and Chip were fine b/c they were sober.  The 18 year olds got tickets to appear in court.  Prox and Dirty steer got sent to the lock up.  

7.  1986 and getting to go to my first 500 mile race!!! It was awesome.  Except Rahal won.  I hate that dude and his porn stash to this day.  However, I will never forget it.

8.  Every Memorial Day weekend, I get really sad when I am in California and swear that I won't miss the 500 hundred again.  Racing isn't my favorite sport, not even close, but I love the 500 and I miss it.  I will get back there once i get healthy enough.

9.  Stealing Marlboro Banners from Marlboro trucks so that we could have race and marlboro banners in Terre Haute.  We hung one the fence on Shea-Wrigley Burkle Wiffle Ball stadium in Terre Haute, I was the only one to homer over that banner.  It was great feeling but also the end of a great game.  

10.  Ben Laycock...  I love this man to till day, he is truly my hero.  His smart ass ability is the greatest I have ever known.  He is god of the quick come back.  Like when a chick called him a wanna-be mack daddy, and he turned to her and said, well I did mack you ass didn't I.  Hahahaha.  Good stuff when you are in High School.  Or when Mom Carol knew he was to drunk to drive and she would be like promise me Ben you won't drive home and he would of course Say you know Carol, I wouldn't have it any other way.  I mean he just had the right thing to say at the right time.  always.  to this day.  My wit, pails in comparison to this man.   So, when you go to the bathroom at the five hundred, there are troughs for urinals and not one sit down toilet has a door on it.  It never fails that when you walk into the bathroom at some point on race day there is a poor soul who can't hold it anymore and has to shit in an open stall.  They are usually so drunk they can't hold there head up and they look so embarrassed even so.  No one likes to shit in the open.  No one.  i will never forget walking into a bathroom with Ben on several occasions and him seeing one of these poor souls and without hesitation or shame he would scream "Holy Shit" and it was true comedy... perhaps you and to be there and see the look of terror on the poor shitters face... 

Happy Days people!!! Happy Long Weekend!!!!!  

A beautiful death…

A beautiful death…

I will most likely never be a father, not in the traditional sense.  I have sort of given up on that, if I ever really wanted to be one.  I have always believed there would be complications with that for several reasons, not to mention first and foremost the pure fear that I could possibly pass my madness onto another human being.  I am starting believe madness is as much a product of our genes as it is the product of the environments we subject ourselves too, the issues we choose to take on, and the baggage we can’t always get rid of.    

When I was a boy, I had a swing.  Well several swings really. I broke a lot them.  Of all the things I was given in my childhood and young adult life, the one thing I am most grateful for are those swings.  I sometimes wonder now if I could swing like I did back then if my madness, depression, and eating disorders wouldn’t be an issue.  I worked through my loneness on those swings.  You see a boy who had an overactive imagination could never really be alone.  Who knows why rocking back and forth and forth and back with the wind in my face, took me to worlds far from the time and place I was in?  Things like fights break ups, heat aches, enemies, and friends mattered not, because I had an escape.  I lived two lives.  One on my swing, and one that was a day to day grind of Jr. High, High School, and to some extent college.  I got over Erica on that swing, I was 15, in love, or perhaps obsessed is a better word for it.  I dealt with things like having friends because I had parents that travelled a lot and my home was the sight of legendary parties on that swing.  See my friends in my other life were true friends, and loyal, cared little for the parties of what I could do for them.  This being said, Adler, Chip, Horns, you were the best friends a guy could make growing up, and I value you love and friends more than most.  You three were exempt from this, know that, to this day whether we talk for long periods or not you three will always be not my friends but my brothers.   

I think the last time I swung; I was a sophomore or junior in college.  I think it was before the breaking of my mind.  I can’t be sure though.  Eventually, Mom and Dad took down my last swing and it sort of became a thing of my past.  However, some of the worlds I created back then have lived on.  They have thrived.  Evolved, yes, adapted yes, but definitely survived. 

Once such arc, or dream, or obsession whatever you call it, I still think of often.  I can’t be sure of when I created it I was 10 or 12 and still playing with GI Joe’s.  I actually played with Joe’s until I was 12 I think. I loved toys.  I still do.  I wish I could go back and play all the time like I did as a child.

Even at that young of an age, I know the world was not a fair place.  I knew it somehow and for some reason Peace was a dream.  Reality was harsh and life was anything but fair.  Again, I don’t know how or why I knew this, but I did. I lived those years sheltered and spoiled.  I didn’t appreciate what I had, when I had it.  I looked to what I wanted next.  Rarely then did I have to work for anything.  However, something told me good didn’t always trump evil.  Light was not going to always out way the dark.  Luke wouldn’t always win against Vader, and there was no way that the GI Joe cartoons could be accurate because GI could never ever, always save everyone and beat Cobra.

Let’s not get hung up on the fact that it was children’s cartoon because in my heart of hearts I believed that even in those cartoons there should have been some hints of truth.  Cobra had cooler weapons, tanks, airplanes, and bases.  That you had this evil terrorist organization that had the ability to create weather changing weapons, huge space stations, and for fucks sake even create their own leader made out of the greatest warlords of all time.  However, they couldn’t win one fucking battle over the Joes.  Come on.  Please. 

Of all the Cobra characters my favorite of all time is the Crimson Guard Commando.  These were loyal and dedicated guards who served under the command of Xamont and Tomax, and there allegiance was absolute to Cobra Commander.  Which doesn’t really carry well into the Serpentor Arc, but you can’t win them all.  These guys were bad-ass and red uniforms, with silver military dress.  Their helmets where read and had black masks covering their faces.  The coolest was the Green Beret knife’s that hung off their automatic rifles like old school bayonets.  I thought that was so cool and could imagine these bad ass soldiers going hand to hand with the Joes and leaving a path of bloody bodies in their wake. 

As I have mentioned I become disillusioned with the story arcs of the Joe cartoons.  I thought it was preposterous that Cobra didn’t win sometimes.  I mean a few battles here and there.  Then maybe the Joe’s would regroup and rally and take some wins back.  However, it would be a long running cycle and there would be ups and downs and you would never know who would win what.  I mean overall it was a kids cartoon so maybe at the end of each season Joe would win, or at least make a huge comeback.  It would be like a Game of Thrones for GI Joe. 

So, in my mind and exploits I created three things.  First, I created the Chain or Cobra, or the Cobra High Council.  It would include Cobra Commander as the supreme leader, Serpentor who would bow down to the might Cobra Commander, a character called the Emperor who wore a metal suit of armor.  He was Vader like and strong.   Also on the council were Xamont, Tomax, and Zartan too. There were a total of 13 members of Cobras. Their base of operation was a space station known as Space Station Delta and it sat in space and appeared in the night sky like star. They had achieved space travel and discovered other worlds than these and maybe just maybe, they were all equipped with red light sabers because as the travelled the far reaches of space they of course crossed paths with a budding alliance that just defeated the dark lords of the sith. Little did they know that they would cross path with the Chain of Cobras who would oppress the galaxy. So yes of-course the dreamer on his swing was the creator of a merged universe.

Another creation was a 13th member of the Chain was a young Earth orphan adopted by Cobra commander and a former friend of Bryan Burkle named Eroskin. Eroskin was armed with a light saber and he was named Commander of the Crimson Guard. He would wear the Crimson Guard uniform with golden trim instead of silver and it would be baby blue instead of red. He was promoted over a longer termed Crimson Guard commando named Wipeout and he was a real son of a bitch that was a skilled general that would question and undermine Eroskin.

Eroskin's leadership team was composed of my first character I created for this world; his right hand man a gunslinger known as Quickshot. Quick’s younger brother was also on the team and he was a long distance shooter known as Sharpshot. They were complemented by another orphan Nightmare. Nightmare was a pilot. Finally his inner circle included Duncan a strategically genius, who was younger even than his lord Eroskin.

This was a council within the council and they were charged with internal security. They were like the FBI, KGB, NSA, and homeland security wrapped into one!

The issue with high council is that there was totalitarian rule by Cobra Commander and he rules the galaxy with an iron fist. His will was the will of all. No free thought. No free will. It was Eroskin's job to make sure this happened. It was Death to question an order, to speak against one after the fact, etc... It's a harsh Galaxy and Earth being the Commander's home planet it was free and neutral territory. It was to be kept ignorant if the rest of the galaxy and self-ruled, but the rest of the Galaxy was tough rule.

It was a fun thought and a really good play time. The battles were legendary and good and bad won equally, so it seemed more real to me, regardless of the fact there were light sabers, star bases, and a galaxy of evil rule than what happened in the stupid cartoons. 

The world moved on.  I stopped swinging.  I turned my attentions to booze, camels, pussy, and career, well and of course Food.  I would eat and eat, and become a big Fathlete.  However, Eroskin and his council never left my mind.  As I changed and grew, they changed and grew. 

Erokin turned into Eros.  Light Sabers turned into Katana Blades.  The Chain of Cobras turned into The High Council.  Star Wars and GI Joe were completely phased out.  However, new and dangerous enemies were phased in.  The Methuselahian Empire known as the Ajnin were arose.  It was a vast empire that covered 2/3 of the known galaxy and was populated by sunless, darkened planets ruled by Vampires.  Vampire Bat evolved into man, and man into Vampire as part of an ever increasing Darwinian race against the humans.  The realms of man were divided into four species.  Humans like us, and our advanced evolutionary form called the Hemoglobian.  These people used almost our full brain capacity.  Their blood carried a toxin that wouldn’t allow the Vampire to feed off of them without killing the Vampire.  Then of course there were the Vampire legions which were vast and went on and on forever and there lower race the Uvoct.  These were monsters and some combination of Man creature and bat.  They had the ability for a short while to morph into a normal looking Man or Vampire since the two essentially looked the same, however, it couldn’t hold the form for long periods of time.  They are more commonly known in the Galaxy as Freaks.  They are rare, and often serve as pets, though super intelligent, and fiercely loyal, to the Methuselah. 

 Yes, I told you I have created and seen other worlds.  The big secret is it becomes a cross between Tolkien’s, Lucas’s, and Chris Carter’s worlds.  All still based on the original premise outlined by a kid and his dreams of star wars meeting GI Joes. 

Eros would eventually rebel when one of his council falls by disobeying the High Council.  He would lead a civil war between the oppressed Galaxy and his way of free thought.  A war that would drag on and on until an exiled Methuselahian would create a new war in order to expose a larger darker threat.  In glorious battle Eros would become the leader of the non Ajnin galaxy by helping the exile defeat the threat.

A 1,000 year peace would rain between the Ajnin and Eros’s people.  A galaxay at peace is a good galaxy.  Then from ghost stories and legend another new threat would arise.  The Twelve would rise up in the Ajnin empire and retake there place at the side of a mad-man who wanted to destroy all worlds and have a free galaxy for Vampires to do as they chose.  Eat who they wanted.  When they wanted, go and come as they pleased.  Once again the Exile Ajnin and Eros would team up to save the Galaxy.  Only this time, Eros wouldn’t make it. Only this time Eros would fall.    His death would be one for legend.  He would lead his people into glorious battle.  He would fight with them in the very core of the Vampire realm and there die with them at the hands of 12 themselves.  Quickshot, Sharpshot, and the Exile would prevail the day, but there leader would fall.  The man who brought peace and prosperity to the galaxy for so long would die.  It was the way of things.  It was his KA.

I cannot tell you home many times this battle has raged in my head.  I can’t tell you how many people have risen and fallen in the wake of the 12.  Eros of course being the brightest star of them all that would be diminished.  Eros who fell from grace to save one of his own and would start a revolution for what he truly believed in. 

The Exile would speak his death so his self-appointed heir Quickshot could take control of the Galaxy and one again peace would reign.  Walls would fall between Ajnin and man that never would have fallen before. 

What I can tell you is that I found myself thinking about this in my car this morning. I thought about it long and hard on the drive up.  I replayed the death scene in my head over and over.  Of Eros trying to heal himself, the Exile taking drastic measures to try and save him, and Eros’s own high council feeling helpless as they knew their leader would die.  So, I found myself once again on the verge of tears.  Watching my own creation pass on his legacy but as normal the tears were a dry hump.  They didn’t fall.  So we sit here at the end of May.  And we wonder if everything is the same, or has everything changed.  Are we stronger than we were or are we still teetering on the edge of a knife?  Do our ideas compel?  Are we going to win?  Who knows… Another week is in the books.  Later.