anger, sneezing, falling, and two work outs

The God of War and Thunder has already reared its ugly head this morning.  He is a feisty little bastard.   It is just a culmination of many things on a bad morning.  However, then I end up lashing out like a cornered dog on the people that don’t deserve it.  It is pretty fucking said the first thing you do when you get to the office is IM your team and say:  “Please don’t talk to me.  I am in a shit mood because of X, Y, and Z.” 

First, you get up and sneeze.  You sneeze.  You sneeze.  Then you sneeze some more.  For the second day in a row you allergies are fucking awful.  If you know me, you know I struggle with the allergies and when I sneeze, it isn’t a little pussy chew, chew.  It is a fucking full bore locomotive that rocks my entire body, not once, not twice, but three times.  They always come in threes and it is hard and it is loud.  Again, used to get kicked out of class in 5^th grade because of my sneezes, b/c Mr. Sheehan thought I was faking.  Well fuck you Sheehan. 

Then there was the fall.  For the 2^nd time in 48 hours I fell down.  The best is the first fall was on Sunday night.  The strange thing is I feel getting up?  Just to show you what a fucking clown show my life can be.  I get out of bed.  I step on the extension chord plug that I have next to my bed for my phone.  It wasn’t pleasant, so I fell forward into my fan and as I tried to stop this fall I grabbed my cork board with all my meddles on it and I pulled that down and fell into my lamp and ended up sitting on the night stand.  Let me tell you CPAP machine to the ass not pleasant.  It was loud too.  I have no idea how Rachel and the dog didn’t hear it from the other room.   So, if that wasn’t bad enough.  This a.m. I am in the shower and I rubba-dub-dubbing it up.  I was conditioning my golden sun washed locks.  I was scrubbing my face.  I was brushing my teeth.  I turned to put my tooth brush down and my left foot decided to slip and then next thing I know I am the first 465 pound man to successfully do the splits.  I went down, that way, I swear to the old Gods, the new Gods, and possibly to the God of light.  It fucking hurt me. 

Then I got word that something I wanted wasn’t going to happen, that instead of ringmaster, I would be rodeo clown.  Too many cooks in the kitchen you see.  It was the third head of the dragon.  It made me question, why I force myself to do it every day.  How do you fight when you have already lost all the battles because of a tainted presence?  I guess it matters not.  My talents have rarely been truly appreciated.  Why would now be any different.   Fuck them all I say.  There is not trust.  There is only looking over your shoulder.  I swear every day I feel like I am living game of thrones and I am Tyrion and just can’t catch a break.  Fuck… there are other worlds than these… just no one is calling back.  The dream of San Diego and Santa Barbara are slipping away…  However, there are other worlds than these, we just have to find the Gateway.

All of this puts a taint on what was supposed to be a perfectly happy and healthy blog.  I just got going down the rabbit’s whole and I couldn’t find my way out, until I had said what was needed to be said. 

Fuck it.

Yesterday was a good day.  Well except there was something crunchy in my fried rice and now I am being a left over freak.  I need to talk to Tyson about that, b/c I get so weirded out by shit. 

Anyway… I did my first two-a-day in a long time yesterday.  Something I used to do often.

I am pretty stoked about this and felt pretty fucking good last night. 

In the afternoon I did a little walking.  17 minutes because that is what the APP called for.   So I walked it.  I am following the APP every day.  We have been over this.  you don’t like it, fuck you, you go write an app for fat people to walk too.  I feel good after walking this.  I feel good ramping up.  I feel good after walking.  Confident.  Worked out.  Happy.  It is normally quite calming.  Of course yesterday during the cool down I tried to switch songs and ended up switching work outs.  I was pissed.  You would be amazed how simply my little mind is that I need the app to get the full 17 minutes or I lose my shit.  I was so angry.  Anyone who was out there in the parking lot and saw me must have thought I had Tourette syndrome.  I am yelling at myself.  Motherfucking everyone as I walk hard in circles around the cars in the parking lot.  It was fucking bullshit.  I am like that in the pool.  When I used to do weights and my heart rate monitor wouldn’t work, I would feel the same.   What is the deal?  Why  do I need something else to tell me how hard I have worked.  What sort of fucked up world do I live in that I need to be able to post the distance on Facebook to feel good about myself?  I am not sure.  I am not sure.

17 Minute walk:

Warm Up: 5 minutes and .20 Miles

Main walk set: 7 minutes and .34 miles

Cool down set: 5 minutes and .20 miles

Anyway, after a day of battling GI issues.  I got my walk in.   Look I don’t want to be out in the parking lot and have an accident.  That would be wrong on so many levels.  So that was goodness.  However, I decided I would stay out of the pool.  It would be safer that way.  However, then I got talking to myself.  Then A got talking to me about going to the pool.  So, I manned up and went to the pool last night too.  However, on the way to the pool, I realized I forgot my iPod.  So I was like fuck it we can’t go.  Swimming without an iPod is nonsense.  I might always be going skinny dipping.   However, I was like Billy b, don’t make fucking excuses.  You need the pool and the pool needs you.  You love it there, it is nice out and lets be honest you having nothing weighting for you at home other than TV.  Don’t get me wrong like my roommates, but you know what I mean. There is only food, TV, and playing tug of war with puppy, and that is all inside.  So we aren’t working on our golden tan.  So I said fuck it.  Let’s go swim and without that music it will be more power meditation.  And it was. I swam angry.  I am angry.  You know why.  I don’t have to rehash.  I am angry and lonely.  So pool meditation freaks me out.  The mind is generally quiet.  I was able to focus on my breaststroke or Boob as I call it.  I was lean and smooth in the water, or at least I felt that way.  Ask A or j they were there if you want to know. 

So I rocked out a 1200. 

200 pull Boob

50 Boob

100 Boob

150 Boob

200 Boob

150 Boob

100 Boob

50 Boob

200 pull Boob

Total work out time for two workouts and 1 hour :D

Yay Billy b….

This is funny, b/c this is what I look like when I walk:

 

However, I feel like this, and I will look like this soon! I will get there because I believe I will!  What the mind believes and conceives it can achieve. 

 

 

 

This is funny, b/c this is what I look like when I swim:

However, I feel like this, and I will look like this soon! I will get there because I believe I will! What the mind believes and conceives it can achieve. 

Every day I believe a little bit more... Everyday I see that I am on the path of the beam.  Everyday I feel the tower getting closer.  It is always getting closer.  I talk about my anger rather than bury it.  I move becuase movement will get me there.  I am going to do it.  I will do this...

 

"I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"

 "I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"

 

I keep telling myself this "I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"

I am also getting back on the 30 day challenge of self-love. 

Here are the details of the challenge:

1 - Make a note that says....
"I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"
~~Louise Hay

2 - Post that note on your bathroom mirror.

3 - 2 times a day look deep into your eyes in the mirror and say, "I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"

Then you wait for the negative self-talk to begin.  Then we say not negative thoughts, not today.  We are not going to listen to you.  I am what, I am.  I accept that.  I accept that I am fat.  I accept that I have made bad decision in the past.  I accept all that.  However, I also accept the fact, that I won’t be complacent.  I won’t accept the dark thoughts.  I won’t accept feeling bad about myself. I won’t do that.  I accept the fact that I am willing to change.  I accept that my way won’t work and that I have to be open to eating natural whole foods. 

"I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"   

See, I think acceptance is one of the many steps I have to accept on my path to tower.  If I don’t, I am going to get frustrated and quit.  I mean I can’t expect to go out and ride my bike and not hurt right now.  When getting out of bed hurts, or getting off the couch is hard.  So, let’s set real attainable goals.  Let’s build this new life properly with good strong foundation. 

So "I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"    I am the right place, and at the right time in my life to make changes.  "I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"   

Also I have to accept myself right now as I am:

 

 

 

So I can grow into who I will become:

 

I awaken each morning feeling the promise of a new day and a new beginning. - Welcome to Monday the dawn of a new week!

HFC Daily Affirmation - I awaken each morning feeling the promise of a new day and a new beginning.

“Off all exercises walking is the best.” – Thomas Jefferson

Monday?  Have I ever met a Monday I liked?  I am not sure.  However, I did wake up this morning on time and in a better place than a week ago.  I have a feeling this week is going to be really good. 

I am excited about “Walking for Weight Loss” it is a nifty little app that combines Strava, my music, and workout journal all into one.  It will be a perfect complement to that I am already doing and the key is it has me moving every day this week, even if it is just for a little bit of time.  IT is a process a movement.  It gives me achievable goals every day J  That is a good thing!

I will still swim.  I will still ride.  I will still “Tri”.  However, this is a 12 weeks walk commitment, I started yesterday :D

Thinking really hard about giving up the red meat.  Yes, I know, I just said that.  I hate myself for it too.  However, having cow three nights in a row, makes me, a gassy, bloated beastie.  Just ask David and Rachel I smoked them out.  It was badness.  It sticks to me too.  I mean really bad. I can still feel it.  Ok, we won’t give up the holy cow, instead we will give up eating it three days in a row… 

Finally, let’s end Monday like this, don’t ask me why I found myself in front of my computer after my walk shirtless, but I did.  So, I snapped this picture of myself.  Thinking that someday I want to look like the picture below, but without the braided Goatee of course.  I think I can match the skin tone and long hair J  My beard is better too.  Instead of blue strips, I will have tattoos on each arm, one for the sun I worship, and one for the symbol for believe.  Dorothy said I looked not like a bad ass but a Sumo.  I think its b/c I am fat… :D

Trus me the dude below is a complete badass and I will be a big powerful bad ass just like him.  Just have a lot of walking, healthy eating, and mental imaging to do!

6 weeks! Thanks Omar and Tyson!

Walking is the great adventure, the first meditation, a practice of heartiness and soul primary to humankind.  Walking is the exact balance between spirit and humility.

- Gary Synder

Found a great new app today called "Walking for Weight loss" it's a 12 week progressive program that can be done inside or outside.

You know me I am outside sort of guy.   I was born to be in the sun with the wind in my hair and face.   I live for the sun and the worship of said sun.  This weekend I've only been in the sun for 3 hours.   That's piss poor by my accounting.  

The fear of rain washed out our brick this morning.  Having hector over to help around the house w the stupid wine bush and the puppy puts a damper on the after noon swim.  It's ok.  I'll go for a walk later.

I can commit to a 12 week program! Walking has always been my life line.  In some ways more than swimming.   The simple fact all you need to walk is your feet.  You can do it anywhere.  So it's good stuff!

I'm convinced I can commit to 12 weeks.  You want to know why?  Because as I mentioned yesterday it's been six weeks since I started working with Tyson.  We are averaging over a pound a week.  We are doing it right and natural.  I think my body is ready.  My mind is ready. It's my time.  The time of the Black Reaper!

So back to the six weeks.   The whole point of me writing is that it's been six weeks!  Six weeks of freedom from the monster inside of me.  The uncontrollable monkey that rides on my back!  The addiction that I've allowed to take my life away!  

I'm taking my life back.  I'm staying dedicated to a plan.  I'm moving.  I'm listening to my coaches.   I'm taking control and I'm starting to feel good.

Six weeks without a binge.  Six fucking weeks.  It's been a long time since I could say that.  I think the key is that I allow myself to have what I want when I want it.  If I want a burger I have one.   Pizza the same thing, but I do it controlled and in moderation.  Six weeks without a planned or unplanned gorging.  That's just good stuff!

Six weeks without fast food.   Six weeks since I've eaten at a drive thru.  The key being eaten!  Because I have been thru a drive thru pretty much everyday on way to office for coffee.   However no three cheese burgers, or three fries.   No double whoppers and nuggets.   Fucking outstanding work Billy b!  

Six weeks without ordering the pizza!  This is huge!  Pizza is good, real good, however, if I get it is by the slice and it's whole foods or even better it's Mama Rachel's!  She can make one hell of a pizza, let me tell you.  

Six weeks without soda!  Just stopped it, cold turkey!   I said soda, your poison and my body doesn't want you any more.   I said soda you you are not good, the whiff!   My body just drinks coffee and water maybe the occasional spot of tea.  I'm trying to put only the best things into my body!

What a great 6 weeks it has been!  

2014 is gonna be a great year!  The first quarter is done and I think we have to say that we are coming out ahead if projections!  

I hope you all had as good of weekend as I did and you afternoon be long and night pleasant!  A new weeks starts tomorrow and it's going to be a good week and we are going to get better!

Huge thanks to Omar who introduced me to Tyson!  Tyson thanks for making such good food!

3.1 the hard way....

I have done this walk 100 times probably since I moved into this house four years ago.  I leave my house walk down meridian to redmond, I cross the street, then walk back home.  Its three miles.  I have done it in as little as 58 minutes and as many as an 1.5 hours.  Some days it is really easy.  Some days it is really hard.  Today was a hard day.

My body reminded me that being 465 pounds is hard for any body.  I was walking hard on the way out.  I was walking and moving and feeling good.  My shoulders were back and my head held high.  I was moving.  I didn't care who was looking.  Fuck them.  They don't matter.  Only getting better matters.

I was never able to lose myself in fantasy today.  my mind rejected my dreams.  It happens some times.  The problem is when I can't get lost in the labyrinth rat trap is my mind means I am in the present.  The present normally sucks.  

About a mile into the walk, I felt my left shine lock.  I felt it grower tighter and tighter.   Once the shins go, the rest of walk usually follows.  So, I tried once again to get lost in my mind.  I tried to see the future.  I tried to see where I was going not where I have been.  I tried to see into my dreams.

the combination of the music in my ears and mind normally transport me to another time and another place.  Another life.  The life I was born to live.

That wasn't in the cards today.

All my focus kept coming back to the shin.  The pain.  I would reject focusing on this, but then come back to it.

Halfway home I started stepping on the outside of my left foot.  When this happens, we must be cautious.  Since 1997 my left ankle has been shot.  Fucking cobble stones.  Those motherfuckers used to eat me alive.

Thus began my hobble.  I thought about turning off and taking the short cut home.  However, not today hobble or not we would keep going.  That is what we do.  We keep on keeping on like a bird that flew.

So that is what I did.  I got home going .1 mile further than last week in only two minutes more.  All in all I have to be ok with that.

Two swims this week.  A walk and tomorrow a ride/walk.

I have to be at VTA at 8:45 to roll.

I am going to try and use what energy i have to focus on the positive.  I am seeing myself riding out 20 minutes and turn back for twenty and feeling great doing it.  I can't fear the bike.  If I fear the bike I won't ride the bike.  If I don't ride the bike, then I can not tri.

Well... i hope you weekend it awesome, I am going to go talk to the dog.  She listens :)

Happy Weekend!

video blog - 6 weeks....

"I never seem to find a reason
To let you in again, or forgive you
I'm sick of feeling like I need you
Knowing I never did, but I miss you
Taking and breaking and hating
I remember all you said to me now
Taking and breaking and hating
My memories are all stained again"

Needles, Seether

When Sue cries…

 

Rage is a funny thing....

You never know when or where The Lord of Chaos is going to strike. You never know what people are doing when they are smiling to your face. You never know how you react until you do.

I'm at Sue's in the parking lot and I'm angry. I'm 20 minutes early but in angry. I want to scream fuck at the top of my lungs. I want to pack my desk up at work and go home. I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired of being on egg shells wonder who is doing what and what lever is being pulled in this never ending fucking game. I'm tired of updates on Facebook. I'm tired of updates on linked in. I'm tired of the news. I am tired of everything.  I try to be positive but I can't. My mind and heart are black. I'm breathing heaving and my chest is tight and I just want to scream FUCK to the world.  Scream it long and loud and shake both the heavens and the earth.

I know what you'd say: I'm defensive, sensitive, angry and bipolar. It's true. I'm all of these things. I'm so angry. I'm in such a rage. I hate all of this.

I feel sorry for Sue she is going to get tidal wave unleashed on her. One about addiction, obsession, love, anger and100% rage!  The God of War and Thunder has come to Pleasanton. I want to thrust my fist into the wall till I bleed. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of caring. I hate.

It's all hate right now. It's all anger. I play the part you want me to play. I act like I'm supposed to but inside it's a war. It's like angles and demons fighting across the plains of heaven. It's like the title fight between the fallen son and the prodigal one. It's Michael and Lucifer and it's a prize fight for the ages.

Tears come to the edge. Gods let them fall. Please gods, lets them fall. Old gods, new gods, pagan gods let them fall. Let me purge this hate. Let me clear my mind. Let me admit why I'm truly angry. Career, friendship, whatever is damned... Let me be honest if only with myself!

The tears dry up... It's time to go in.

 

This is the note I show Sue when I walk in.  It takes her to minutes to read.  It took me over twenty to right.  She laughs when she read her name.  We have a good relationship like that.  She gives me shit, and I give her shit.  However, she does what very few people have the courage to do.  She will engage the rage.  She will engage the bear.  She will walk into the darkness.  That is why I see Sue, that is why I love Sue and that is why most of all I trust Sue.  Me trusting someone is rare, very rare.  That is truth.  Real truth and unabashed truth as trust has never come easy to me.  I want to trust, I want to believe in my fellow man, but it is rare I ever do. 

Then I do exactly what I said I was going to do.  I rained down thunder, lightning, and true unabated hell fire.  The ware that has raged in myself for twenty years comes boiling out, all of it, the anger all the heart ache, all the pain.  She sits there, calm as calm can be. I go on. I hate this, I am tired of that.  Why isn’t this that, or why isn’t that this.  The point is its all rage.  It doesn’t matter where it is directed.  It doesn’t matter because of the words that she speaks next “Bill I hear ya, you say you are mad at all these things but I think what you are really mad at is yourself for not reaching your goals and being where you think you should be.”

 

THUNDERCLAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

So you start talking about that, really talking about it for the first time and not making jokes. I talked about walking the path I have been on for the last twenty years, at drift without a path.  I talked about not being able to love myself, to need myself, and to see any of my accomplishments. I talked at length about my rebirth last august.  My awaking to see how fucking beautiful life could be.  I felt the tear welling up.  I felt them come to my eyes.  I felt getting heavy, however then I was so excited that I couldn’t believe they were here.   I smiled.  Then they ran away.  I just kept talking.  Sue told me she had never heard me so honest as I usually tried to hide behind sarcasm.   I talked ant the tears welled up again.  Again the pure relieve that I was somehow making a break through over joyed me and I smiled and the tears ran away.

I looked up to see that Sue was crying though.  She carried my pain for me today.  She listened to it.  She let the tears fall that I couldn’t or wasn’t ready to. 

What we agreed though was I was moving the only way I could.  Forward.  That even though sometimes you get mad because you don’t understand some things, because are burnt out and don’t have the time or patients to deal with shit, or just anything, you can only do one thing.  Move forward.  Your life wasn’t a mistake.  This isn’t a do over.  It’s a new day.  It’s a real day.  It is a beautiful day because we know we are on the path.  We are just at the anger stage.  She said I was wise because I said there can be no pleasure without pain.  No love without hate.  That I couldn’t be truly happy unless I had walked alone by the black muddy river and listened to the ripples as it moaned.  That I had to walk in the shadows of darkness to know, appreciate, and love the light.   I have changed.  I have changed since I left to see Sue.  I have changed since I have been back in this hell hole.  I see that the only thing that really matters is what I decide to do with my time.  That I choose peace and happiness and a life that is filled with that.  I feel a strange sense of peace washing over me, consuming me, with health and love.  No the love of others but the love of myself and it feels good.  I am smiling.  I realize now that I might never write the great sci-fi epic, or the great fantasy novel in which the hero over comes all odds to win the fair maiden and the day, no I might never write this.  However, I will tell the story of a hero, the hero of my life that overcame the challenges that life put in front of him to win the day.  To be who he dreamed of being and then lived that life.  I will tell the story of that hero.  I will tell it every day of the rest of my life.  This story is of my hero trial, the story of my life, and it will be a good one.  I saw all of this in her tears and in mine the ones that feel through her eyes.  It was a beautiful moment on the path of the beam!

Happy Friday

Happy Friday!

TGIF...

What else can we say.   We made it. We had ups and downs.  But we look back on the week that was and we are happy.  Ready for a nice weekend!   Ready for more sleep :)

That's all I really got... Or all I can really say here. 

Make to a good day!  May your work go quick and your weekend last long!  

the laws of karma, KA, and being resilient..

This blog is not what I had originally intended.  First, I want to say thanks to the people who reached out to me today when i was blue...  Live is a series of ups and downs, strikes, and gutters... Some days will be good.  Some days will be bad.  However we keep on keeping on a bird that flew.  I have said this before, but I feel the need to say it now, I write in the moment.  It is the only way I can properly reflect what I am feeling.  If try and sit down later and recreate that moment, then it rarely turns out as good as if I were in the moment.  So, yes my blog is much like everyday of my life.  A serious good and bad.  I truly believe we can't appreciate pleasure without pain.  We can't up without down.  and so on and so forth... So, yes at times I am sad and write sad.  I whine, I bitch, and I moan. However, the truth is as I heard several times today, I am resilient.  I keep going.  I keep fighting.  I don't give up easy and I don't just go away.  I made a shit load of mistakes and I call the life.  I have to get from this place to that.  I have to get on the other side of KA.  I have to get to my Tower.  I can't tell you how much love I have in my heart for the three people that posted on my FB, and the other notes I got.   This is a team effort.  One man is no man.  I learned that some where along the way and I am starting to believe it.  No, that isn't right.  I do believe it.  This is our Buddy System and  hopefully my story can inspire others.  I try to write this a living breathing day to day account of how I saved my life.  How I came back from the clutches of shame, sickness, and near death.  I see my dreams coming true.  I see doing distances you can't fathom.  writing stories that touch your hear mind and soul.  I may not ever be Hunter S. Thompson, Salinger, or the master himself King, but I will spin my tales.  I may never be famous.  However, I will be true to my KA and to myself.   So this is me knowing and showing you that I am on the path.

So, i was a bear today.  I was a jerk to Jill, i was short and not really the best co-worker.  I was in my shitty mood, why, it matters not, I see what I see, and think what I think and gods only know why I was a jerk to the people on my team today.  i was harsh with Gabe too but not nearly as bad as I was to Jill.  She does nothing but work her ass off for me and I say Jill, I am very very sorry.  I wouldn't be where I am without you and yes, I will put in my expense report for Kinders :)  I get in my moods, and i am selfish enough I let it consume me.  So, my point is I was being a jerk.  Well, as a believer in Karma I truly believe that every action has an equal but opposite reaction.  therefore, I shouldn't be surprised when the laws of the universe turn the tables on me.  When the are more than happy to put me in my place and show me that being a jerk to the those who support you and put you in a position to reach your potential physically, mentally, professionally is bad.  I will spin this tale for you in the next few lines.

I will also show you that I am resilient.  I don't give up and when I decide I am going to do something, I do it.

I left work at five because I was going to go to the pool.  I have to get to the pool on the time.  
So, I leave on time but when I get to the car, I realized I don't have my smoothie.  So, I go back upstairs and get it.  So I am thinking ok.  I am a little behind schedule now, but no big deal.  I will get to the pool on time to get a lane to myself.

I sit in traffic, and I get to the gym.  Amazingly, I never once thought that I just wouldn't go swim.  That is rare, because most nights I go swimming is a fight.  Its a fight because driving you get tired, you get hungry, you get whatever, and don't want to go.  I didn't have that issue tonight.

Then I get there, I get a parking spot I like even though the place seemed crowed.  I get my stuff out of the car.  I walk the side of the building.  I go in.  I walk the length of the pool towards the locker rooms, and I set my stuff down and I realize, that I left my work out in the car.  So, I walk back down the length of the pool, out the gate, down the side of the building to my car, and I grab my work out.  Then I walk down the side of the building.  I go through the gate.  I walk the length of the pool.  I set my kick board down.  I put my work out under. I set my bottle of water out.  I grab my bag and I walk the length of another building to the locker room.  I go into the locker room.  I put my car keys in my side pocket of my bag where I always put them.  Then I open my bag and there is no swim suite.  I roll my eyes. I think holly shit, I can't believe I forgot.  The people up front are going to think I am a moron.  Or really lazy and just came to use the locker room.  So, I pack my bag back up and as I walking to the bench to pick up my stuff, I see my towel on the bench.  I walk over to it and I remember distantly that I left the house with my towel, swim suite, and flip flops.  So, what do I do, I set down my bag.

Then I walk back down the length of the pool, out the gate, down the side of the building to my car, and get to my car fill in my pockets and guess what no keys.  The keys are in the bag, which I left on the bench.  So, I am feeling pretty annoyed, I look in the back of the car and I don't see my swim suit or flip flops.  Now I am really annoyed, thinking that KA is telling me to go home.  That I am not supposed to swim.  However, I am like you know what I bet my suite is in there, because I know I had it when grabbed my towel.  I remember.  Also, I can stand at my desk on the fifth floor of my office in pleasanton and unlock my car and pop the charge door from there.  So no big deal. I can totally unlock my car from here b/c my keys are a lot closer in my bag then they are in office. So I touch the button it doesn't work.  Now I am really pissed. I am going to storm in there grab my shit and leave.  However, I turn from my car and then I walk down the side of the building.  I go through the gate.  I walk the length of the pool and i reach in my bags pocket and I get the keys and I turn around and...

I walk back down the length of the pool, out the gate, down the side of the building to my car, and get to my car unlock it with the keys that int my hand and I move some bags around and guess what there is my suite and my flip flops.  Then I turn around and I walk down the length of the building. I walk through the gate.  I walk the length of the pool. I go to the locker room.  I change.  Then I come out and all the lanes are taken.  Even the three lanes where there are no lane lines.  I can't fucking believe it when I got here there was one person in the pool.  I am like you have to be fucking kidding me.  I was like am I supposed to swim tonight or what.  So...

I walked over to the bench.  I sat down and I thought.  I thought about what a jerk I had been to the people that support me.  Jill is probably the most consistent reader of this blog.  She is a huge fan and a great friend.  What can I say about Gabe other than his presence gives me the ability to chase my goals. I work less b/c I have such great support and I was a jerk to them both today. I felt bad. I felt bad that I felt so ashamed.  I felt bad that I don't see all the strides I have made since I started this blog on 9/11/2013.  I thought and then I thought, I am here.  I am at the pool and this is where I belong. I thought, I am doing my thing.  I am doing it right and well.  I am getting better.  Each day, physically stronger,  Mentally tougher and my skin gets thicker.

I can't be so fucking hard on myself and I have to remember that a positive mind is a healthy mind.  A healthy mind is a strong mind.  If I can make my mind strong then my body and weight will follow.  I will do this.  I am on the path and yes, I can get low but the low times are less and less.  Yes, I am still sad, but I am healing and getting better.  I will come out of all this shit better and stronger than before.  I will because I want to.  I will because I am focused. I will because I am resilient and not matter what I don't quit.

So, I waited eyes closed and thought about all I needed to do to fix myself.  I though about my swimming.  I thought about PG.  I thought about just how fucking awesome I am and how much more awesome I will be.  

Some times you have to force a bad day into become a good one....

I can do this....

I will do this...

Then I swam.  I swam good. I swam hard.

each free on the IM's where sprints.  They felt great.  I was sore but I kept going.  I will do this..... I swam hard.  I swam strong and most of all my mind was quiet.  

1200 YARDS:

•             200 yards warmup - freestyle
•             200 yards kick
•             200 yards pull
•             2 x 100 - freestyle, rest in between x 20 rest
•             2 x 100 - IM, change strokes with each length (incorporate all 4 strokes if you know how, substitute alternating lengths of whichever strokes you know if not)
•             4 x 25 - freestyle
•             100 yards - cool down - your choice of stroke

Shame….

Shame….

I pick up the phone and I dial the travel agency.  I am looking am staring at my desk b/c I don’t want to look anywhere else, just in case some is listening. 

I just booked my flight to the conference.  The only issue is the website wouldn’t give me what I needed. 

Just what is that a 470 lbs fatty could need?  What is it?  I am sure you are thinking it is a meal of some sort, or maybe a seat assignment.  It is neither.  What I need is a second seat. 

You are already reeling from a heart that just won’t heal.  You are already upset.  You are at work but don’t want to be.  Today is one of those days you want to find a hole and crawl into it and just, well just die.  You’ve given up.  It’s all been for not.  And now you have to call the fucking travel agent from you work line to make sure they get the company right and ask them to do you a fucking favor and book your second seat for you.  Because being a disgusting fatty isn’t bad enough, and asking for a seat belt extender isn’t bad enough, then you have to get a 2^nd seat according to southwest.

I really thought I had hit rock bottom that day in the airport in San Jose on 4/20/2012 almost two years to the date of today.  I can’t believe, it’s been two years and I am still in the same fucking place. 

Lost in Transition: Prologue:

The story of a fat triathlete and his double down at Pacific Grove. 

It was 4/20/2012 when he left the house he was excited.  Sin City was on the horizon.  Vegas to him was a special place.  He had his copy of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” with him.  Every trip to Vegas began the same way.  Re-reading what he considered a literary masterpiece.   iWhen he left home that morning he would have never known that humiliation was on the horizon.  He would never know that Rock Bottom was here, but it was.  He would have never known what form it would come in either.  You never know when it will hit. Six months ago he was celebrating the greatest triumph of his life.  He finished not one triathlon but two triathlons in two days, the Double Down at PG. However soon he would be celebrating his worst. On a weekend that was supposed to be great but now no matter what it would be forever tarnished.

Look, he had been seeing this coming for a while. It should have been a surprise to him.  His body had been telling him that something had to change.

“I'm uncomfortable. My stomach hurts, my back hurts, my hips hurt. Every day is gas pains and peeing after every sip of water. Things have to change. I have to become the Man I am supposed to be.”

So, he should not have been shocked when Rock Bottom came at the airport, while checking into a flight to go to Vegas for a triathlon.  A triathlon he wasn’t going to do because he wasn’t ready.  Because his body just hurt too much.   A race he was not going to do.   It had taken him a while to come to terms with his failure.  With the fact he just hadn’t trained.  That he wouldn’t train.  He just figured he had no discipline, instead of being an addict, and a severely depressed.  He just figured this was his par for the course, just another thing he couldn’t do on his own.

He came crashing into Rock Bottom in the form of a worker for southwest airlines very politely informing him that for the safety of the other passengers and crew it would be best if he bought an extra seat. That he didn’t look like he would be able to get out of his seat without assistance.

He wanted to scream "Hey, fuck you, I'm a triathlete.". I doubled down at pacific grove last year. However, that was six months ago. It was forty pounds ago.  It was a different man, living a different life.  A more comfortable life.  A life that was worth living.

Somewhere in the time since the greatest moment of his life and rock bottom, he lost my way. he gave up on his life and goals. Seemingly his tower was gone forever. Or at least that is how he had been living his life.

Smoking cigarettes? Eating fast food four or five times a week? Eating sweets? Eating bags of BBQ chips at a time.  When he did cook it was two burgers and a bag of baked fries.  All of this while paying for weight watchers.

If all this wasn’t bad enough, then take into consider how much worse it is when you add in the fact he didn’t want to take showers because it is hard work to wash his massive body. When things that are as natural like going to the bathroom become choirs because of how much work it is on your body.

The guy at the southwest counter isn't wrong. He does have trouble getting around. He does hurt. He is in pain.

His Mom and Dad are pushing for gastric surgery. His doctor agrees. He is hesitant. It's not really  what he wants. However, it might be what he needs. He has scheduled a consultation for May 2012.

 
What does he want? He wants to lose weight by with TNT and eating whatever he wants. That doesn't work though. He has been down the road before.  He fails.

Weight Watchers? There was a summer he had so much success. When the meetings were at his work and going was like a cross functional meeting, it was easy.  He started to Believe in himself. He had drank the kool-aide.  However he joined last August after Sara stopped her company, and it hadn’t worked. 

The real question was did it not work of did he not work?

What had happened to him? When did he just quit? When did my life become so meaningless to him?

He don't know.

What comes next?

Well, he had to make a choice. He had to decided live or a die. He been dead twice before. He doesn’t love being dead.  He admits he is sort of dead now. He just goes through the motions of life. So maybe he is dying again. Going into his third time of dying. He doesn’t want death. He needs life, he wasnts life, he says he chooses life.

HE will go to my appointment in early May and just have surgery…

 

I sit here and wait for the travel agency to call me back and I think about then and now.  Has anything really changed?  I think that yes, it has because I did die in 2012 and I was dead until August of 2013.  That is fact. 

Perhaps my weight is the same now as it was then.  However, to say I am the exact same person.  I don’t think so. 

I have been reconciling and reviewing and searching.  So yes, today I am frustrated.  Today I am sad.  I am so fucking sad.  My heart aches.  My mind races, and melancholy sites at the forefront. 

I am still fat.  Really fat.  I get the extra seat for other passengers as I do for myself.  It is embarrassing.  I will feel shame on the flight there.  I will feel shame on the flight back. 

When I tell people I don’t really want to go somewhere it isn’t because I don’t want to go.  It is because I hurt to go.  It is a mind fuck.  My house is geared to my whale like size.  Hotels and planes and other things are not. 

I sit her typing all this saying I am to ashamed to post it.  However, did I not start the blog to deal with this shit?

Have I not dealt with a lot of shit?

I read this and understand why I am alone.  I understand how sad and pathetic is sounds.  

I have come a long way.  However, there is still so far to go. 

This morning is a pit.  External factors are still affecting me.  I will try and lock that shit up.  Until I can though. 

Who knows tonight might be amazing.  I am going to the pool after all.  I always feel better there.

After all life is as series of ups and down; strikes and gutters… the shame of this moment will pass. 


updated: Even more shame....

Email to travel agent:

Hi Hilary...

do you have a number I can reach you at?

I just called you office asking a question about getting a companion ticket b/c i am to fat to fit in one seat.

They said they were going to look into it b/c I couldn't figure out how to do it on the website and get back to me. 

so I am a little confused that is all :)

thx

On Thu, Apr 24, 2014 at 11:37 AM,  wrote:

Hello Bill.

 

What companion ticket are your referring?  It shows that you booked yourself a ticket online and it’s just for you.

Who is your companion and did you book something for them at the same time that you booked one for yourself?

Please clarify.

 

Thank you.

 

 

updated II: Hope....

 

 

We must focus on the positive.  We are changing.  We know that.  We are healing.  All of us is healing.  The mind, the heart, the body.  I will do this.  I will do this.  I am already getting better....

 

Swim

When u go...

The simple truth is this, when you go to the pool your fucking awesome!  It amazes you that your body works so well after a you've done to it.  

1,000 meters in 39 minutes all breaststroke and 3 minutes total rest time for a grand total of 42 minutes pool time.  Not to shabby if I say so myself.  

I went back to back rest days on Monday and Tuesday again.  I'll have to figure out how to get a walk or a work out in on Tuesday.  Sundays are my brick days.  So Mondays shall be my rest. 

I felt good in the pool.  Focused and graceful.  Been a long time since I could say that.  I'm bringing the important shit into focus.  

My swim went like this:

50 breast

100 breast

150 breast 

200 breast

150 breast

100 breast

50 breast

200 pull breast

We go again tomorrow.  Getting out of work on time is a huge help.

Nothing else to report.

The sky is blue, water is wet.... And that about all I have for today... 

0 for earth day...

0 for earth day...

I have struck out this much since 2013 when u was invited to club!  My old boss thought I needed a plus one since it was offered.  That day I went 0 -  5.

The first at bat was a girl I was totally smitten with, but she said no :(. I think she thought I was joking.  I wasn't it.  Does she know I want to show her the world?   But that just the way of KA. 

The 2nd, 3rd, and 4th were hooters waitresses and they thought I was joking too.  Not sure why it's funny when a fat guy asks you to Hawaii.

The 5th a married women and her husband said "you are fucking crazy" at least she took me seriously.

Fast forward to today and I went 0 - 4 at the elevators of the office.  The first one showed the most promise and I battled with the pitcher on that AB.  Lots of foul balls and a few strikes called that were out of the zone.  I think she was flatters I chose to hit on her but it just wasn't in the cards. 

The conversation started like this:

Trying out my new line at the elevator:

"Happy earth day" billy b

"Oh is today earth day?

"Everyday is earth day baby!"

We chatted about BBQ and the weather.  She got on the elevator going down.  I was going up.  You see my delemia.  She left and so...

 I turned immediately around and said to some tall chick walking by.  "Happy Earth day!"  She just look at me like I was an idiot.  Like she hated the earth and didn't want to celebrate it. So that was 0-2 in one inning, that is just embarrassing.  

As I went to the earth day picnic I tried my line on the lady taking tickets for lunch.  She was polite but just had absolutely 0 interest in talking to me, but it did get a chat started and I tried!

Going back up the elevator after afternoon tea was a complete disaster.   No 26 year old chick is ever gonna wanna talk to me, especially when they are drop dead gorgeous and her skirts is an inch or two above the knee and has brown hair, green eyes and an ass that looks not appetizing than vanilla ice cream.  Hey but I took the AB again, gave it the ole college try.

0 - 4 but I played the game :)

My earth day lines might be cheese but it Still it works better than my last few attempts at office the whole "hi my name is Ken Ju!" Just never really took off with the ladies.  However I did bump into an HR Chica who used to work at the front desk for us and she was like telling the person I was interviewing that I was crazy and I had actually introduce myself to her as Ken Ju...  

Hahaha happy fucking earth day!  

I am not kidding either.  So many beautiful places on this rock, we need to love and appreciate them!

Peace

A new week... a new image... of self....

 

"So begins another week . May yours be as awesome as my last one was and this one is going to be! Happy Monday!" Billy b on 4/21/2014

 

At some point in time you have to stop fighting it, every week Monday comes around.  Monday's are the start of the new week. When you are trying to change your life each new week is filled with hope and promise.  therefore you must embrace it.

 

My ass is still sore.  I feel like Ned Beatty in Deliverance....  I am actually pretty exhausted after waking up feeling great.  Perhaps it was because I had troubling dreams.  I mean after all last night in my dreams I did cause the deaths of Tywin Lannister, Keven Lanister, and some other people who happened to be hanging out with him.  I am not sure why the house Lanister where after me, other the fact, I apparently over stated there services forecast and Tywin was pissed.  Then he and his clan chased me around the Hotel I was staying in.  However, some how I luered them into a trap and a giant man eating black thing engulfed each of them and swalled them whole.  It was really quiet alarming.  Of course Ser Jamie wasn't there, nor where the oathkeeper so at least I kept him safe in my mind.  Pretty fucked up dream though right?  Oh ya and to make it worse, my parents where there and I had to keep them out of harms way too.  Now we all know that is just a nightmare.

 

so I am pushign through the morning.  sipping on the peet's and hoping I wake the fuck up!!!

 

Still being tired I won't let it dampen my spirits.  I am actually happy today is Monday and another week is under way. 

 

goal: bike ride, 3 swims, 1 or 2 walks....  Next week we might even add in a spin class or two.    However we take these things slowly.    Today is my rest day, thank goodness.  I have to be in bed by 9 today. 

 

I am excited... I found some old pictures... check out the dude that everyone called fat...  I can't wait till I look like this again.  It is coming.  Look at the one at top.  Me travelign the world and chilling.  I had a waist.  What!  pretty exciting.  It's coming.  slowly bus surely, it is coming.  I will get back to this place.  I also noticed I have nice side burns, in 170 lbs we will see if they stiill look as stylish....

 

Have a great day people!!!! Take care and keep on keeping on!!!!

 

 

After 6 pints in Enis, Ireland

 

Making Billy b's special Fajitas in Maastricht