If anyone can relate to what it must have been for like Haley Joel Osment in the sixth sense and hearing the dead in the cold dark of night, i think it i must be me. what billy b you see dead people? no. what billy b you hear dead people? no. however, I do hear a call. A whisper in the dark. I hear it calling to me. I hear it calling my name. I hear it talking to me. Talking, always talking. Always asking me to come. To obey. I hear it in my sleep. I hear it in my head. I have fought with it for years and most of the time I lose the fight. I am talking about the goodies. the goodies in the fridge, freezer or cabinet. So, no I don't see dead people, but I hear left overs, cookies, cakes, and ice cream calling to me from beyond. Asking me to come. Like the sirens of old. If binging is my issues, then eating in the night is my bane. I have pissed off roommates for years, getting up in the middle of the night and searching for food. looking for sweet, or looking for salt. of the 110 lbs i have gained in the last 6 years, i would say 30 of it is from eating in the dark, at night, when no one knows or can see. Pretty fucking pathetic right. i know. so much of my life can be looked at that way. So, last night, a night I walked out of the office with rage in my head and my heart. I am over it. i am done fighting. stick a fork in this kid I am done. this isn't the company i joined, and thought I swore i wouldn't talk about work anymore, i just can't help it. its part of the problem not part of the solution. so... i left bitter, but when i got outside I did something unexpected. i walked. i walked and i walked. i walked hard for 20 mintues at varying speeds. I walked. I walked and let the anger wash over me. I let the hate i feel in my heart for what has happened at this place in the last year, so many of best friends gone. who is next? but... i walked and let this go. and i said you now what... what will be will be. if the lord of chaos rules, he can rule, he just won't rule me or my heart. i have other things to worry about like life. sweet life. my ideal image. building the life i want. sometimes things don't fit anymore... anyway, i calmed, I turned off my email and i drove home. i ate a good dinner my roomie fixed, thanks rachel. We had a scope of the iced cream, but not to much. Then, I retired early to practice my visualization of the person and life i wanted to have, guess what things weren't included. its coming. just around the bend. stand and be true and we will get there. then i slept. well technically i thought about some other stuff first, then i slept. at 2 a.m. i was awakened by the left over home made pizza rachel had made on Saturday night. i was calling t me. it was on my mind. it was stuck there and i wanted it. i wanted it so bad. I tossed and turned, thinking about it, always thinking about it, my every thought bent on eatin it. i tossed. i turned. then pulled out my ipad, and i turned on my visualization routine. I saw the lift and person I wanted to be. I remembered thati am not really hungy but most likely dehydrated or stressed (wonder what I have to stress over? fuck you work). i was up from 2 to 2:35 but I never left my room. i changed the habit last night. i have to keep that up. I woke back up at 3. this time thinking about the ole Cherry Garcia in the freezer. thinking about how rachel would never know if I just had a few bits of it. and this is true, she probably wouldn't know. but i would. so, i started the list for my recruiter of must haves in my next job. It started like this...
1. low office drama or politics
2. set responsibilities, you know what your responsible for and when they are due
3. work life balance - i have to work at a place where it is ok to take vacaton and be sick
4. realistic expectations of the staff we have
5. san jose - period I am done commuting.
6. SAAS
7. Small team ( i don't want to manage a big team)
8. DEAL DESK only - I am not an accountant
9. blondes
10. brunettes
11. red heads
ok... time to work.....
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