The Green Shirt…

I close my eyes and I see it.  The vision is clear.  It is me.  Not who I was but who I am.  Who I will be once again after the transformation is complete.  My eyes are closed and they are closed tight and I see it everything is almost perfect.  The beard is not quite right.  Not thick enough around the chin.  The hair is all wrong too.  My hair isn’t short anymore.  I am not sure if it will ever be again.  It just touches the broad shoulders.  Yes, that is the image.  A thinner man, a strong man, and a man that is ready to be.  I see it.  Do you see it?  It is coming back.  I have hidden from the world for too long.  For sins that were committed by another man in another life.  Cheap vandalism, drunken nights, fights, and mistakes with women don’t define an entire life, they define points in time.  I went to college to become trainable.  I have lived my life to become a man.  Am I a bear?  Yes.  Do I feel hate, rage, and anger?  Yes.  Am I remorseful? Yes.  Should I punish myself?  No.  The truth is I have punished myself enough for past and future sins as you would call them.  I see now that I am the asshole.  I accept that.  I accept myself.  I can spew venom.  I can destroy.  I can hurt.  I lash out.  I am in the words of the great Axl Rose a molotov cocktail with a match to go.  However, I am also beautiful.  I have a heart that wants nothing more to give.  I have a mind that creates worlds.  All I truly desire is peace and happiness, not just for those I know but for the entire fucking world.  I am only a man.  I make mistakes.  I am broken and flawed, but I am beautiful and creative as well.  It has become my life’s mission to not only understand why and how I act, but to change it.  For no other reason than to balance out my own soul and live the life I deserve and want to live.  Letting go of years of hate, anger, and rage is tough.  Changing the perception you have of yourself as an angry lost soul is hard.  That is my perception.  I am not sure what yours is of me.  I honestly don’t even care.  My soul is broken and tortured.  However, I see light at the end of the tunnel.  I see a life full of love and happiness.  I see the feats I will conquer.  I see the people I will share it with.  I see my tower and my path to salvation.  I see the man in the green shirt, and khaki’s.  I see his trim lean body, his thick neck that is partially covered by his golden brown locks.  I see his strong hands not hidden in pockets because he is unsure of what to do with them, but rather at his sides because he is comfortable, he is confident.  I see him now, not in khaki’s.  No, I see him preparing for a race.  Is it a big race or a small one?  I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter.  He stands in front of the mirror; he is only wearing his Tri shorts.  He is looking at his thighs.  They are huge.  The thunder thighs his father always talked about.  They are like tree trunks, but they are a weapon.  They will make him the king of the hill today.  He rides as effortlessly uphill as he does down.  That is because his legs have pushed 400 pounds uphill for so long, they are now well oiled machines.  He loves his thighs.  They are part of his best attribute, his legs.  His legs have been chiseled from marble.  The Greek gods of old couldn’t help but be jealous of his legs.  Again he looks down at the left, then the right.  They are things of perfection.  They are marred and marked up by scars, road rash, and other badges of honor picked up once again by carrying around and pushing around 400 plus pounds for so many years.  He smiles to himself.  His lower body is the envy of any man.  I see that.  Do you?  Can you?  My mind sees it every time I close my eyes.  It burns into my head, like so many other obsessions over this lifetime.  He shakes his hair off his shoulders, and he slowly starts to bring his head up.  He sees his stomach, he actually sees his stomach and in his stomach he sees muscles.  It is not a six pack, no but he does see his stomach muscles and he smiles.  His stomach is lean and trim and he sees it.  It was a stranger for so long.  Hidden from him, but no more he sees it.  When he gets to his cut chest and his chest is huge.  It was well muscled when he was fat.  So now it large muscular and firm, and he can’t help but laugh.  He looks at the kanji symbols above his heart.  The ones put there for his rebirth, the ones to serve as the minder of where he was and how far he has come in this life time.  Do you see this?  I see it. I see it in my mind’s eye.  Can you believe can you conceive?  If I could, would you?  It matters not, I see it, and I see it when I close my eyes.  I see a complete and total transformation from a fat frump to an Adonis.  He rolls his neck.  Today is a big day.  He will have to swim, bike, and run.  He can do it.  He has done it before.  His hair falls into his eyes and he smiles.  He doesn’t mind it.  He pushes it behind his ears.  He looks in the mirror at his arms.  His broad shoulders and he sees his tattoos the sun.  Oh how he loves the sun.  Why do you think his body is so dark?  So tan?  So healthy looking?  He lives in it.  He loves it.  He worships it.  Ra, Apollo, Awondo, and Tonatiuh have only a loyal servant in him.  He loves the sun.  He believes in it and worships it.  It was the fuels that powered his transformation.  He sees the tattoos on his left arm, the symbol of his transformation.  The one thing he always needed to do and never did.  The Kanji symbol for believe covers his left arm.  He looks deeply in the mirror as he pulls on his green race shirt.  As he covers his shoulder and chest, he laughs out loud.  He is amazed by what he has become.  He wonders how she ever let him out of bed, because he looks good.  He has done it.  He looks at the man in the green shirt and he starts to visualize his race.  Visualize is the key.  It has always been the key.  It has unlocked his true self.  The man in the green shirt is ready.  He is coming.  He has arrived.