Perfect through six....

Perfect through six....

I almost did it. I was almost perfect yesterday. I carried the perfect game late into the night last and then I lost it. I think my mind got the best of me in the late innings. I lost the perfect game in the 7th, and then with two out in the 9th and I lost the no-no. Ass fucking, shit eating donkey raping ASS BUTT. I'm frustrated, but it was close and perhaps close does count in something other than horse shoes and hand grenades. 

Bloggers Note: Total points for a day = 71

The day started off strong with a green smoothie.  Whoever doesn’t think a healthy green smoothie will satiate has never had one. 9:00 a.m. for a Total 8 points.  First Inning he strikes out the side.

Lunch was early because hunger came upon me earlier than usual.  Could be I went from having a 20 point breakfast for three days in a row to an 8 pointer.  Could be I was hungrier because I did not one but to movements on Monday.  Could just be I was listening to my body and watching the clock and realize it was time to dine.  I had a PBJ, I love the PBJ it is easy for me to make, I know Peanut butter is fatty, but still, you can’t go wrong with a PBJ.  Total points 11 and the kid is looking strong thru two.

Mid-day I was feeling a little run down.  Had trouble focusing, was busy with meetings, so I went to a snack package (almonds, dark chocolate, and cashews from Trader Joe’s, awesome, and a great pick up) 6 points, and I got a little rocky in the third, but was able to pull out of it and get back on track.

In the fourth things went a little wonky, around four o’clock.  We had some drama and had to step out for a Coco, non-fat, not whip for 7 points.  Even though my ball count to strikes was up, I managed through.   Me and my friend had a good palaver and made sure we were on the same page.  She really is an angel to me and I am very lucky to have her in my life.  Then we talked about some person things I had going on.  Told her I had decided it is time to say good bye to my old life.  I told her how the wheel of Ka was turning and that when I reached the tower it would be a different life.  She listened as good friends do.  It is like the 2^nd Basemen came over to settle me down.  That is Jill, and what she does.  She is good people.  One of my last real work friends left here.  I am lucky. 

The fifth I went into cruise control and I had my 2nd PBJ packed by the Rachel and carrots, I didn’t eat the dip, so we had a total of 11 points.  I walked off the field after striking out the side with my first basemen Gabe.  He works not for me, but with me.   He is solid, top 3 hire of all time.  He reminds me a lot of my old roommate Ison. We sword fight in the office and are talking about taking a sword fighting class.  So we have fun and he is awesome at his job.  Anyway, as we walked out he is like you have to go to the pool tonight, you have to get back in it.  I am like I went yesterday.  I need to swim an 800 before Saturday. I am targeting Thursday night because tomorrow is WW.  Tonight I feel like my body is going through withdraw.  My back hurts, my head is foggy, and I just want to go home and walk the puppy. 

Going into six was hard.  I was tired.  I was weak.  Honestly I felt bad.  Really bad, it was a cross between feeling like I was in detox and something was wrong with my neck and head.  I wondered if this was the end.  The ride home sucked.  I had a headache.  I just wanted to get home and go to bed.  However, I said no, fuck the dumb shit, I am not going to go to bed, I got shit to do.  It is Tuesday Night and a Black Reaper needs to Rise.  I have to walk the Puppy.   Well because I wanted to walk the Puppy.  I also started top realized that I need, I really needed to embrace the idea of saying good bye.  Putting things behind me, and focusing and moving on because we only get one shot at this thing.  Why wallow in denial, hate, and rage. 

I got home and I feed puppy. Then I got my smoothie out of the fridge= 8 points and I stated to type.  I typed for an hour and talked about Reapers rising.  I typed and talked about letting go of all the heartache and all the pain.  I typed and I typed. Then I looked up after about an hour and a half and I saw I a puppy looking at me.  She was so fucking cute.  Tilting her head from side to side and trying to tell me, hey fat one, I need you to take me out b/c I have to make pee pee and poo poo.  Mommy knows when to take me, you don’t.  I am serious that is what she says.  I am pretty sure she refers to me as the fat one like Gollum did Sam in LOTR.  So, I got up from my writing, disappointed because I was in the zone.  However, I didn’t want Puppy going all over my house. So, I got her in her harness and leashed.   I went to garage and got rubber gloves and a mask.  Yes, I don’t like poop.  Well, I guess mine is ok, but others even a dogs, I do not like.  So, when I go to pick up poop, I rubber glove and mask up like a doctor coming out of scrub. 

We walked.  A walk I had done for other times at 25 minutes we did in 20.   Mainly because I pushed it, I did for burst of speed.  Including one jogging for a block and let me tell you the fat man jogging with a puppy must be pretty funny.  We did it though.  Then I turned right onto Blossom Hill and four steps and one burst of speed in, and I looked to the night sky.  I saw its blackness being hidden by the faintest clouds you will ever see.  A speckle of stars here and there and I looked up into the night sky and I spread my arms as wide as I could with a leash in hand and I closed my eyes and I drank in the night.  I let calmness wash over me.  I let go of all the old anger, the hate, the rage, the games, the slights real and perceived and I found calmness in a vision that has so often been fixated in my mind.  I saw the Black Reaper and I felt the embracing of everything that is me come together.  I felt it and I accepted it.  Two parts becoming one complete whole.  I am who and what I am.  I can’t change that.  I am needy, I am obsessive, I am angry, I am hateful, I am moody, and I am KA-Mai.  I will always be KA-Mai.  However, I am also, beautiful.  No more beautiful than standing there last night and drinking in the calmness of night and accepting the reconciliation of my mind.  Not only am I beautiful, but I am creative, I am giving, I am loving, I am a true friend, I am a good person, and I have so much love to give.  I see the Black Reaper the symbol in my mind of duality and I see the two parts coming together and I drink in the night with arms stretched and face to the sky.  I am what I am.  I am 460 lbs.  I am a cripple by my own hands.  It hurts to walk, it hurts to run, it hurts to swim.  I struggle getting in and out of my car; my stomach is just to fucking big. However, I am so much more than that.  I am so much more than that!  I see that now.  I have a lot still to give.  I have said it before, and I will say it again, get on board because we are going for one hell of a ride.  The tower is on the horizon.  We are walking the path of the beam.  Feel it.  See it.  We are changing our life and our habits.

I got back home and I wrote.  I wrote and I wrote.  I wrote to Rachel got home.  Then I posted.  I am sure my blog was full of errors, but the point is I got it out and I was happy with what I wrote.  I know it had some good parts.   I am sure it had plenty of bad.  In the end it was a very positive visualization for me.  Of the man who is coming out from behind the walls of fat.  It was good for me to see that image in my mind and on paper.  As I finished the blog I realized I was a little hungry.  It was 11 at night, but I was a little hungry and I wanted something. 

The Perfect game was wrecked in the 7^th and got a visit from the dugout coach.  I got wild and through some bases on balls, but didn’t give up any hits.  I posted, and walked into the kitchen.  Rachel was in there working on lunch for today and smoothies too.  I walked in and said I wanted a PBJ now.  She was like why.  I said because I can have one. 

Real quick note here, I think since Rachel is my roommate and pretty much occupies one half of my house at this point, she is the dugout coach.  She tries to make things run smooth in the dugout or house.  I am not an easy person to life with, she has her moments too, and it’s called life.  It happens.  Ups, downs, strikes and gutters.   I am not quite sure she is the pitching coach, the might be Sue, probably is Sue.  If I called anyone other than Dorothy the manager I would get smacked down.  I am the GM and owner after all it is my life.  So maybe I am the manager too and Dorothy is the bat boy?  Which this lead to the question as to why the dugout coach would come out for a mound visit, maybe the pitching coach was taking a deuce?  Well that sounds more like the dugout coach.  Oh, you get the point.

“Are you really hungry? Do you really need to eat?  Peanut butter has a lot of fat in it.  You had two PBJ’s already today.  You don’t need a third.”  This is what the dugout coach said. I realized that she was speaking some truth.  Then she told me to eat one of my graze snacks.  Graze snacks are awesome.  Really bad ass, so I grabbed one of those, 5 points.  Then I grabbed my blueberries which are no points, and a couple of cuties, which are also not points.  I realized the dugout coach was right.  I would be thankful and happy I didn’t down more peanut butter the next time I stepped on scale.  I said speaking of that the WW meeting for people who need to lose more than 100 lbs is tomorrow night I am going to go to that.  We agreed that was a good idea.  I went to the coach and I had my late but healthy snack.  I loved it.  It was really good and I felt good about it too.  I know it was too late to be eating and I know that is something I need to work on, but at least I didn’t go overboard.  A bowl of blueberries which are really good for you, some dried bananas, pecan, and some other nuts.  I ate late and felt good.  I felt good about my night.  I had labored through it.  But overall it looked good.

The 8^th inning was cruise control.  Basically the 8^th was just a 2^nd bowl of blue berries.  They were yummy.  I went to bed feeling pretty good about my day.  It was almost a perfect day for me.  Yes, life can really be that simple.  Write, walk, eat some blueberries and hold good palaver with the people that got your back. 

I went to bed happy.  I knew my life was changing and changing for the best.  I knew that the decisions I had made were going to power me to the tower.  My Ka-tet would change. We all wouldn’t get there. It was the way of things.  It was the wheel of KA.

Going to bed was easy.  We had one out in the ninth. Falling asleep was easy.  Two outs in the ninth.  Both happened without a lot of drama, or thought.  The no hitter was intact.  No day is really ever perfect.  After all a beautiful day without drama is rare, isn’t it?  So I was happy with the no-no.  How could I not be?  However we were at a total of 56 points out of 71.  One might say we did pretty fucking good and I felt good. 

It was three a.m. and I woke up.  I wanted something.  I didn’t care what it was.  It is a mode of panic.  It is a failure I have had for a long time.  I got up and the only thing on my mind was eat. Eat.  Eat.  It is ridiculous. I slunk out into the kitchen trying to be as quiet as I could the entire time really hoping that the bench coach would catch me.  I lost the no hitter right then and there.  I grabbed not one peanut butter cup, 7 points, but 2, for a total of 14 points.   I was still was at 70 points for the day but I was eating at 3 in the morning.  Fuck, fuck, fuck-i-ty, fuck.  Ass Butt! 

Where do we go from here?  Well we get up today.  We spin our tale.  We go through the motions at work.  We realize that yesterday wasn’t perfect, but it was good.  We fall down so we can learn how to pick ourselves up.  After all, isn’t that what we do?  After all life is one perpetual learning experience and we learn from it.  The truth is maybe I need to eat to my points. Or I just drink a bottle of water if I wake.  I need to solve it.  But yesterday was a good day.  Today will be getter.  Our WW meeting at 7:30 p.m. so we will keep on keeping on.  We will Rise above and beyond all of this.  We will live a life worth living and one to be proud of and though we may never be perfect, we will be good.  We will RISE and stand and be true.