The real question that i was asking....

You just merge onto 87, traffic is ass slow, traffic is always ass slow on 87, and it is really more of a parking lot than a freeway.  However, the car is silent and not just because you are in a VOLT, it is because you never turned your radio on.  The entire ride how from Pleasanton was in silence.  Lots on you mind.  The games people play.  You question work and life in general.  You start to have a minor glimpse of how the world truly sees you.  You get an ever so slight view of what they must see.  What an apathetic life is too.  However all these things are fleeting, they come and go like the winds on a sea.  They are immaterial.  They are in so many respects moot.  Let people have their views.  Let the games be played.  I care not. This existence is temporary at best. The thing that is stuck in your mind is of the utmost importance.  It is fixed in your mind.  When and where will the next meal come from?  What will we have?  If we eat bad, it will be the last time, I promise.  It is the great battle and struggle of our life.   We have been down this road so many times.  However the real question.  The on question that you are really asking and struggling with isn’t where will we eat next or what.  No we made the decision when we got in the car.  WE are going to M’s, we are eating M’s, and we will call it an episode in over eating, not a binge.  We will rationalize it and then we will go have positive visualizations and say ok, we will start over tomorrow.  It doesn’t matter we counted our points today.  That we have been good till this point and only ate what was good for us.  We need a fix.  We haven’t fixed since Saturday and we need it.  All the sudden a thought hits you.  A thought that is so real and true, you lose your breath.  All sudden you see what the real question is.  The question isn’t can I eat M’s one more time.  The question isn’t can I get the ship on track after eating tonight.  No the real question is something far more sinister and scary.  The real question isn’t “Should I eat McDonalds?”  The real question isn’t “Is McDonald’s bad for me?”  The real question isn’t any to with healthy eating at all or good decisions.  No.  The real question, the one that is so haunting to you.  The one that really screams kid you got a fucking eating disorder is this.  “When I go to McDonalds and I order what I really want, will I be able to eat it all before my roommate gets home?”  Wow!  Really?  Can I eat it all before Rachel gets home and not just because I am afraid she will judge me but because she might want some of it or ask me not to eat it all.  What the fuck! 

When this becomes clear in your mind and you are exiting Almaden you start asking yourself another question.  “How can we make tonight successful?”  “How in the world can we make tonight a success?”  You feel helpless.  Your car is on a one way collision course with McDonalds.  “How can we win tonight? What do we need to do?”  The answer is clear.  It is almost obvious.  It is sickening sweet in its simplicity.  Just go home.  Just get to your house without stopping.  There is food there you can eat.  But it is still Burgers and Fries!!  Yes, that is true, it is.  But the burger is grass feed beef from Whole Foods, and its lean.  The fries are baked not fried.  Is it perfect no, is it better yes.  Also it means you are in control.  You can eat what you want.  It won’t kill your tummy and you won’t have to sit on the shitter for two hours afterwards.  You won’t look into the mirror and see the fear and pain in your eyes knowing that you were out of control and had another binge.  Also, walk her.  Walk the puppy. Just take her out.  Take her out to a proper potty, even if you gag when you pick up the poo.  Take her down the street, let her move.  She needs to move, I need to move.   Take her out to Blossom Hill.  She is a good girl, she deserves it.  Then, listen to your CD.  Listen to the visualization techniques handed down to your from your new dihn.  Take the control of your life.  Be your own master.  You need no one else to complete this journey.  It is your mind.  It is your life.  It is your goal.  Fuck the question.  “When I go to McDonalds and I order what I really want, will I be able to eat it all before my roommate gets home?”  It doesn’t matter anymore.  You can win.  You can be in control.  The only thing you can control, your mind and your actions.  STAND.  STAND AND BE TRUE.  Your tower is on the horizon.  You can have a successful night.  Don’t let the other people have any of the space in your beautiful mind.  It isn’t their gods given right.  Your mind is to power and beautiful to worry about the trivial things like work, games, and the like. 

You go home.  Then you do it.  You do totally GAG when picking up the poo.  Ok, you actually throw up, because it was really rip.  I am not made to be a dog cleaner up guy, but you do it.  Then you walk.  A 25 minute walk to be exact.  It is really more of a hobble, but you move.  Puppy gets to move.  You ate at home.  You ate well.  Not great, but nothing to hang your head in shame over.  You do it because not matter what anyone says or believes.  The question you are really asking if fucking ridiculous and that the world is moving on.  You see between all the lines and lies now.  You promise puppy you will do it again the next night.   Each day and week you will get a little bit better.  You are in control of your life.  You will stand and be true. And….

 

 

 

 

The Tower is Closer…