so how are you doing?

I found myself writing this message today to the buddy from the buddy system.

What I am really struggling with is there was never anything wrong with me, or what I looked like, or who I was.  Other than I was an asshole growing up and in college and I was stressed out.  Other than that, there was nothing.  Look at pictures from IU, High School, and before I wasn't really fat back then.  I was big, and I didn't meet anyone definition of ideal image, but I wasn't fat or disgusting or people didn’t look at me cringe and say damn he looks uncomfortable, he must be miserable.  Not like now.  I realize that now.  I realize I should have found the courage to talk to someone about my stress and anxiety back then.  Because really I was ok, I just didn't believe that.  I was happy.  I could do whatever I wanted.  I was free.  But, I was scared, angry, and stressed as well.  However, my body worked.  I could move.  I could run.  I could play.  I could do whatever I wanted.  Healthy?  No probably not, but good, yes I think I was. Why didn’t I understand that then?  Why didn’t I believe it?   We wouldn’t be here where we are today had I just stopped and said, you know what it is ok lets figure out what we want.   What I want.  What I need.  What makes me happy.  You know if you ask me that question today, I can’t really answer it.  To much of my life have I been told what will make me happy.  What I need.  What I should do.  Want to know why I became an accountant?  Because my dad told me too, because an accounting degree with a law degree would help me make the most money I could make.  I got sick at the sight of blood, so I couldn’t go into medicine. I had to do something where I could make money.  Law and accounting was that path.  I stayed in accounting at IU because my first week on-campus someone told me it was too hard and I couldn’t do it.  That accounting was the toughest business school degree.  So I said fuck you I will do it and so I did.  Then when it came time to go to law school, I realized for the first time in 20 odd years of saying I wanted to be a lawyer, that I had no desire to do it.  I remember a college friend of mine, ok, a guy I knew in college, telling me I couldn’t go to law school just because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life.  I took that to that in and I said fuck it “Mom and Dad, I am not going to law school!”  I am going to go be an accountant and see how it I like it.  They were not too happy about it but I think with the success I have had they are pretty proud of me.  The thing is I was never proud of myself.  CPA, promotions, awards, recognition, and trips none of this stuff is enough to fill the whole that not believing in myself has left.  I wish I could change the course of time and go back and talk to that scared little boy who went to IU and who was terrified that he wasn’t going to have everything he wanted anymore and tell him one thing.  It is ok.  Find what you love and the rest will take care of itself.  I see that now.    

Speaking of now?  I seem to get the question a lot.  Am I ok?  Or how are you doing.  I usually don’t answer it.  I don’t answer it because people don’t want the real answer.  Because the truth of the matter is I am not ok.  Me saying I am ok or things are good is the great lie I try to tell, but can’t.  I mean read this blog.  Then look at me.  I mean really look at me and read what I am saying.  Then, think about how in the fuck could I be ok. I tell people I am fine and I am getting better everyday because that is what they want to hear and that is what I want to believe.  The truth is I hurt.  I am tired all the time.  I am apathetic.  I am angry.  I am stressed out.  I am alone. Most of all I want to quit.  I just don't want to fight anymore.  I eat like a king every day, but I can't remember the last time I didn't feel bloated and disgusting.  I am angry for not getting it right.  After all shouldn’t it be easy?  Just don’t eat.  Make better choices.  It’s really simple.  God, I wish that was true.  You will never understand my issues until you have walked in my shoes.  I am not asking for your understanding.  I don't really know what I want from you at all?  What I know I need you in my corner.  We started this thing, and I intend to finish it.  Even though I am tired of fighting, I am not done fighting.  I can't be.  There is too much still to give and to be done.  I AM AN OBDURANT SON OF A BITCH and I can’t help it, I still believe even at the bottom I will RISE from the ashes to be the person I was born to be.  I can’t quit even if I wanted too.  I will hobble up and down the street dog in toe.  I will go to the pool and swim. I will fix this.  I will have a life I am proud of.  I don’t have that much momentum right now, but the sun is out and I am feeling old uncle mo starting to shift.  I feel the wheels of KA turning.  I feel that my story has just begun.  Think about that story.  Think about it!  Think how amazing it will be.

Thus brings me to the next topic.  The Black Reaper Rises challenge.  I don’t know if anyone read or like the vision of me on a beach in Kona getting ready to take a swim.  It is a positive loving image of myself.   Who I am going to become once my transformation is complete and my new life is starting to peak (can’t say begins, b/c it has already begun).  I am going to keep writing the peace each Tuesday evening.  Each Tuesday we are going to have another positive imagery of who I am on that beach.  I think it is great for my mind to keep replaying the positive imagery over and over again.  I think it is important that we are moving away from a black fish and becoming a Black Reaper.  The Black Reaper will rise.  He must.  So stand with him and be true!

I am in control of my mind now, therefore, I am in control of my life.  Am I scared?  Yes, I am.  I am terrified. However, unlike before, I can admit that.   I can say it with out being ashamed. Without worrying if I will be judge for it or not.  See the thing is, I only care about what I think now.  If you are to judge me for being honest, and not being afraid to take the walls down and show you who I am then, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I am not hiding who I am now.  I am not ashamed that I made bad choices.  I made them but I learned from them.  So you read this and you tell me if I am ok, or you figure out how I am doing.  I am an addict trying to come out of a life time of self destructive behavior.  I am a man who isn’t scared to make the decisions that will rule his life anymore.  I am the Black Reaper, and I am Billy b and together we will conquer the dragons and demons of my mind.  I will do this.  I can do this.  I am doing this.  So you tell me how am I doing and if I am ok.

Stand and be true!

And…





The Tower is Closer