Can there ever be a disappointing g day in paradise?

If so, it's today!  It rained.  Boo.  So I tried to nap, and I couldn't.  I stayed out till bar time last night and then was up till 4 am I don't sleep well out of my bed.   Perhaps it's more than that.  Felt a lot of stress lately due unsettled nature of things and the direction other things are going.  Sometimes u just have to ask yourself what the fuck of some people thinking.  Mainly work shit.  Ok all.  Anyway.   I will play the jokers I've been sitting on, and we a know jokers are wild.  See you shouldnt think about this shit in paradise! I shouldn't worry.  KA is a wheel and those who are true and do the right thing shall prevail.

On a good note, we are getting better people.  We are!  It might not show on the scale or in the waistline but it is in the mind and heart.  Little changes.  Little bitty changes.  

Last night I'm out till bar time.  I can't sleep.  What do I normally due? I eat!  I eat and eat.  Whatever I can get my hands in, I eat it!  Not last night.  I didn't even think about it.  I woke up and was like really all those beers and no food?  Nice!

Then this mornings hangover food: plate of fruit see below.  What?  No bacon, sausage?  Burger?  No I craved natural delish.  It was good fruit too! I enjoyed.

Last night at dinner didn't finish my fries and I only had one Mac ball!  Mac bal?  Yes fried Mac an cheese ball.  It was tasty, see below.  But one and done.  

Little changes day to day.  It will carry yd through.  That's all we can ask for :)

Last night and today pics... Sorry they suck :)

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Day in the sun!

I am health, strength, peace, happiness, and prosperity!

I am health, strength, peace, happiness, and prosperity!

I am health, strength, peace, happiness, and prosperity!

I am! I see it in my minds eye. I see my victory coming. Yes, I feel weak. Yes, I feel tamed. I feel like a caged lion. I feel that I'm limited by what I can do and it's at my own hand. I did this to me. It's ok. That was a man who no longer exists. Now, I a man who has learned and grown. Who understands life is defined by moments and actions. I am a man who has chosen life. I sit her by the pool and I feel the sun healing me. I feel it burning into my skin. I feel it, I love it, I live it. I feel it's energy pulse into me. It makes me want to be fearless. It makes me want to dance with dragons! I believe I am being reborn. I believe in the wheel of KA. I accept that I once failed so badly I let my body and mind go. I accept I will gain no more weight and I can learn to live and be happy as I am, as long as there is the sun. I understand there are plots at foot and people will try to move me and sway me. I understand you won't always believe in me. It's fine. I do! I understand rebirth is about Rising! Rising above the politics, the games, and finding what makes me smile. What makes me happy. It is time to Rise and burn bright like the ball of fire in the sky that I bow and worship. That thing that feels me with vitality and life! I will Rise! Rise with me and burn bright with me! I can do this and I am! Aloha!

I am health, strength, peace, happiness, and prosperity!

I am health, strength, peace, happiness, and prosperity!

I am health, strength, peace, happiness, and prosperity!

Heaven on Earth?

I'm pretty sure heaven on earth is Hawaii!

It's gorgeous!  The water looks so good. I gonna swim that shit out of that ocean!  I'm not great at photography but I tried!  I'll keep you posted.  Actually are sensible at dinner even had green on my plate.  Also walked up a big ass hill tonight to get from dinner.  Honestly I was scared but I nailed it!  I'm really out if shape. I actually did it one and a half times today!  Yay Billy b!  Ok, time for me to head to dreamland!  I'm pooped!

So much for good juju!

I went to whole foods tonight because if go to whole foods I don’t get way too much.  Do I still get too much probably?  I don’t really need four slices of pizza.  However four slices are better than an entire pie which is what happens if I order one.  I needed to pack, so I didn’t want to cook tonight.  So, pizza it was from WF.  I walk up there.   I eye ball two slices of pepperoni.  Anyone who knows me knows I love pepperoni pizza more than anything else on the face of this world.  I mean really. I love the shit.  So, I see these two slices and I am like I am going to eat this up.  I am like I will get to slices of cheese too.  No Hawaiian though, I will get enough Hawaiian this week.  So I am all set to order when this old lady and two little kids walk up.  It must have been there grandma or baby sitter b/c she looked to old to be a mom.  Hey I call them how I see them.  The kids must have been 3 – 6 years old, probably not older.  Grammy says what looks good and they both say they want slices of peperoni.  I am thinking to myself, you know these kids are going to start making fun of you any moment b/c you are fat, and kids just do that.  Kids are kids and they can be mean.  I would love to say it doesn’t bother me when a kid calls me fat but it does.  So I have no issue taking this pepperoni from them.  They don’t even look over at me.  So, I am like ok, I got all worried for nothing.  I am waiting to order and I say to myself, it would just be good juju to let them have the pepperoni.  I mean you are traveling tomorrow.  You can get pepperoni whenever you want.  Plus, the Hawaiian looks nice.  The ham looks very, very, good.  Plus, it will make the kids happy.  They will never know you did this for them, but you will know and you can feel good about it.  So the guy comes up and asks you what you want.  You start to order and you notice the little girl looking at you now.  You order your cheese and Hawaiian leaving your favorite behind.  You order and then you stand there and wait and you can’t help but notice the little boy pointing at you know out of the corner of your eye.  You notice the little girl laughing out loud.  You look and what can you do.  You are in whole foods and there grandma just stands there.  You start to feel really self-conscious about yourself.  Like you don’t know your fat and that isn’t bad enough in and of itself.  The kids just keep point and laughing.  The grandma tries to get in their way so I can’t see them point and laughing.  I smile to myself and I say so much for good juju.  Man.  I have never wanted to beat to children so bad in my life.  Oh well.  It is what it is and until I get my mind right I will just have to deal with it. 

Let the Black Reaper Rise - 3rd tuesday

He slides out of the convertible Camaro.  It is bright red.  He would have said red like Lava rock, but looks around and knows the colors are as different as day and night.  He knows he shouldn’t leave the top down, that the sun will scorch the leather, but he does anyway.  He pushes the front seat forward; before he goes to the beach he will push the passenger side back as well.  He came alone, but, he hopes he won’t ride back alone.  She would come to the practice swim.  She would come and watch. He smiled.  She would.  He walks back to the trunk and uses the fob to pop it open.  There is his equipment.  His TYR tri bag, he has had it since his 3^rd Tri, his helmet is behind the bag, and cycle shoes are there as well.  Doesn’t seem to matter what trunk of what car he opens it always has the same gear in the same order.  He isn’t mad at it, this is his life and it has been since 2008.  He is a triathlete. He can’t remember how many times he has done Pac Grove in the last 8 years, San Diego was awesome, Auburn was tough, BK was his day of glory as it was the halfway point to the tower.   Now here he is back in Kona.  T time to finished what he started back in 2013.  Then he could only swim and walk.  He looks at his helmet and a sad smile touches his face.  He couldn’t ride then.  He was to fat.  Was that really him?  The man who could do so little, he picks up the helmet with the Black Reaper painted on it.  He looks into the empty black almond eyes and the forever that is behind them.  He drops his helmet back into the trunk.  No that was not really him, it was a different man, a different life, if you dared calling it that.  That man was 460 lbs, he was weak in the mind, and his soul was blacker and darker than the Reapers Eyes.  That man was a prisoner in his own body.  He hung his head just for a second.  He hung it and his hair fell into his face and ticked his chin.  That wasn’t a life it was hell.  His hell built inside his own mind.  He shook his head.  He wasn’t back to think about that.  He was back to finish what he started and that was it.  He was her to ascend to the next level of the tower.  He was here to continue his rise.

He pulled his hair out of his face.  It was damp and a little greasy.  His hair always got so greasy and there was no point in washing it before swimming in the ocean.  He pulled it all behind his into a pony tail and banded it. Wouldn’t do him any good to have hair in his eyes as he swam in the ocean, no there were to many pretty things to see out there.  This was Kona after all not a kelp bed.  He slip off his shirt and his shorts and tossed them in the trunk.  He stood there in only his try shorts.  He thought nothing of this.  He chuckled he used to be very self-conscious about being in tri shorts and nothing else, it was a completely naturally thing.  He pulled out the spray 15 from his try bag and looked down at his feet.  He loved looking at his feet.  How many times a day did he do this now?  He didn’t know.  He spent a lot of time looking at his wiggling toes.  Making up for all the time when he looked down and all he saw was tummy.  He quickly dropped into his catchers squat and rested his arms on his thighs.  He took the 15 and sprayed each foot, then each leg up to this tri shorts.  He pull the shorts up on each leg as far as he could and sprayed again.  He took a moment to look at each one of his thighs.  Just like every other time he did, he smiled, he was amazed at the slabs of meat that were his legs.  They were almost perfect and looked as if they had been carved from stone.  He stood and sprayed his stomach and chest.  He looked at the rebirth tattoo on his chest as he sprayed.  He loved it.  He had been reborn.  His mind had to go through a complete reboot and he learned that life couldn’t be lived at a dinner table.  He sprayed his left arm from the kanji symbol for believe to his fingertips.  Then up the right arm from the tips of the finger to the sun that was etched on his right shoulder.  No need to get his back.  She had done that for him.  He giggled that had been fun.  He thought for a minute was this real?  This is real right?  I mean I have lost over 200 lbs.  I work out almost every day.  I swim, bike, and run for fun.  This is real and it freaks me out.  I dreamed I would have this body and I do.  I visualized it every night before sleep.  I wrote about it.  Then my body and mind realized being thin was ok.  Being healthy was good.  Life doesn’t happen at a dinner table.  It happens in the pool, on the bike, on the road.  Not on a couch with the TV on but out in the world with the ones you love.  He relished in.  He didn’t realize he was doing it but his were closed and he was flexing from head to toe.  He didn’t look like a part time accountant, writer, and speaker there he looked like an Adonis.    He had earned this.  He knew he had.  It all started and finished in the same place getting his mind and soul right.  Rising above all his petty worries, and the politics of corporate America.  Rising from the ashes of a shattered life.  He had believed it and therefore he achieved it. 

Ashes

I guess there will always be disappointments in life. It's the wheel of KA. Learning not to let these become a constant distraction is something else completely. Learning to deal with these is hard for me. It makes me want to binge, eat whatever I want, and sleep all day. However I refuse to let this define me. I can't let it define me anymore. If I did, then I wouldn't be standing and being true. Perhaps some data is better to lose during the reboot of the brain. Perhaps something's are better left behind. Perhaps your expectations where to high? Perhaps, just perhaps. So change the focus. Change the energy. Put the energy where it matters. Put the energy in healing your mind. Put your energy into the reboot . Live your visualizations! Be them! You can do this! There is a difference between knowing the path and walking it. We know it. Now we are walking it. Each day a little more of our old life slips away. We put the disappointments behind us. We forget the wrongs. The losses. We focus on a new way a new life. The disappoints and failures and binges become the ashes of a burning fire and they blow away. The flames burn high and hot. And much like the smoke we rise from the flames and ash. We RISE above it all. We rise because we believe we will! We know we will. We are rising! We rise above it all! We leave the old life and constant disappointments behind! WE RISE!

"The strongest factor for success is self-esteem. Believing you can do it, believing you deserve it, believing you will achieve it!"

A Good Monday?

HFC Daily Affirmation - I am healthy, happy and complete right now. My world is changing for better. I am feeling wonderful!

I am not one for Monday’s. I loathe them to be honest.  I think it is the idea of giving up my freedom and coming back into the corporate machine.  So I can spend my time making some else rich.  Or it could be that on the weekend I return to my true nature and stay up late and sleep till 10 or 11 in the morning.  It could be one of a hundred reasons.  Does it matter anyway?

Another morning rolls by, and I remain disappointed in things and people.  It is just my way, I guess.  I get up and I do my affirmations.  I try to focus on the good. 

When I lost all my weight on weight watchers back in the early 00’s, there were a couple of things that I did that kept me moving towards the light.  First was journaling every day and getting the bad gunky out.  I think I am doing an effective job at that.  Second was there was group meeting every week in the office and that held me accountable. Third I kept a list of only the positive things I did.  I wouldn’t soil this list with half positives, or I wished I would have.  I for one a person who does take credit where credit is due to me, therefore a list of this nature is something I need.  What can I say, I have a weak mind and I am trying to strength it.  Just like with any workout you do, you start slow and do reps over and again until you get stronger.  The brain is just another thing we need to fine tune and tone. 

Yesterday was a good day.  I accomplished a lot:

-       Swam!!!! Good to be back in my natural habitat.

-       Sat in the sun for a few hours.  Never underestimate the power of the sun, or the effect it has on our mind body and soul.  Therefore, spending time under its glow is important and huge positive for me. 

-       Wrote and kept my journal.  Any time I get the creative juices flowing is a good thing.  It is important to me.  It is also important to let out the bad gunky.

-       Cooked at home.  Ate breakfast and lunch at home by my own hand. 

-       Relaxed, spent a good amount of time with my mind turned off.  It was needed. When you have a mind that never stops.

-       Set goals for this week.  2 swims and four walks. 

-       Agreed to log all my points.  WW itself doesn’t follow the Gabriel Method, though their point system is a life style change.  Though I had determined not to go to the meetings anymore, I have agreed that it is good to have a guide to work and eat towards.  I am not going to WW meetings anymore because they preach depriving yourself.  They are about how to avoid things.  Not about how to deal with them.  I sat in the meeting last Wednesday for 15 minutes and they gave out awards for people going out of their way to avoid candies, cakes, and cookies, etc…  I know that doesn’t work for me.  Tell me I can’t have something and I want it.  However, I do agree that you should be able to eat what you want, and you should have some top level you should not exceed.  So, I say eat whatever it is your heart wants just don’t do it in total excess.  Also, I want to have a look at what I am eating every day.  I think that is important.

-       Did my evening visualization.

-       Decided to start listing the positive things I do every day on my blog, b/c I think it is important. 

So today is going to be my best Monday ever.  Like I said I am upset about a few things here and there. I am tired, but overall, I will get by.  The world moves on.  So I will to.  I will survive.  I will keep learning and growing.  I am healthy, happy and complete right now. My world is changing for better. I am feeling wonderful!   

The Guardian at the Gate: Book II - The Dead Aren't Even safe in Wander

Clipping from the Wander, Indiana paper the Tribune:

 

The Dead Aren’t Even safe in Wander?
By Alicia Kiely
The Tribune

 

Apparently, in a town like Wander, IN, not even the grave is safe from crime. Grave robbers stripped at least three plots at a historic Hull Cemetery, which sits just on the edge of the Wander city limits on the corner of Sullivan Road and East Curry Drives.  The Sheriff’s department was called on the scene after a mourner who wishes to remain anonymous reported the three graves being dug up and vandalized.

"The Graves were dug up and some of the departed extremities were missing.  This was not done in a very delicate way," Wander Sheriff Joe Brackens said from the scene.

"They excavated a grave, and took various body parts.  All the graves impacted where from the last one to three weeks.  At this point we don't have a lot to tell the people, but we are horrifically sorry that people’s loved ones have been subjected to this, we are working on making this right"

Hull Cemetery is one of Wander's oldest cemeteries and coincidentally sits across from large house owned by Lucas Vanderlock.

The Vanderlock’s have most recently been in the news as their daughter Janine continues to be listed by the Wander’s Sheriff’s department as missing. Even though the police had recovered a body that bore a strong resemblance to the Vanderlock’s missing 19 year-old daughter.

Sheriff Brackens assures us that the two crimes aren’t linked in anyway “Well to tell you the truth, I hadn’t really thought about.  What is happening with the Vanderlock’s daughter is terrible, I am sure this is completely unrelated and a coincident.  These gravesite robberies are normally an act of young kids on a dare or some other prank.”
Scores of distraught family members flooded the cemetery to check on the graves of their loved ones and tried to find answers but at this point there does not appear to be any.  There are just a lot more questions and uncertainty here in Wander.

825.... And sunny outlook

You have to Love February in California!  Especially when it is like today:). Amazing!

Even better I got back in the pool!  I swam 825 and it was hard.  Was in water for 36 minutes but only swam for 28.  Finally got my 800 yard pyramid in, with five sprints.  God, I'm out of shape.  The sprints are hard.  Especially the free style.  

Goal for this up coming week.  Track all pts.  Walk four times and swim twice.  The key is to be in sun and to move!

Yesterday was a good day!

- cleaned room.

- went to osh

- did video blog

- fixed stuff in bathroom

Today is laundry day, boring I know but have to get it all done.  Might get some new shirts if there are any wicking ones on south SJ.

Overall good weekend!  Can't complain!  Have time coming up soon, will be nice.  Need to reboot!

excited we are moving again!  I was worried we wouldn't.  

Anyway get out today and drink in the sun, if you can't then just do something positive and and get revitalized!

Today is a good day!

Today we rise!

NOW!

There comes a time and place in every man’s life when they say enough is enough.  I mean it.  I am so fucking done with it.  I am tired of holding the proverbial bag of shit.  I am tired of being the issue and the whipping boy.   with it.  I am tired of holding the proverbial bag of shit.  I am tired of being the issue and the whipping boy.  The place is a fucking toxic wasteland.  Each day I think it kills me a little bit more.  Each day I feel like it takes away from my life force.  I fucking hate it.  The letter is written.  The time has come.  The games have to end.  The world has to move on.  I will move on.  Moeny isn't enough.  Hope that it will change isn't enough. I can no longer put a price tag on my soul.  My vessel is weak.  I have almost destroyed it.  I am tired and I just can’t give anymore.  It is time.  The time of the Black Reaper has come.  The time to Rise.   The time to stand and to be true.  The time of Billy b is NOW!

Never Quit... Remedy... fight... We are changing! - video blog

Eat the Sun!

We all have those days. I am having one today. It is what it is. I didn't want to get up. I am thinking to much. I am thinking about well, i guess it doesn't matter. Things are going good, but I still miss the comfort of being sad and I want to sit and look at all that is wrong instead of the much that is right and so much is right with the world. It is 70 here in Pleasanton. The sun is out and I am eating it. I just stand there and drink in its vitality. I feel it fill my body with warmth, hope, and love. I feel it and I feel the instant change in my mood. I sit outside and avoid going in from lunch. I am tired of the game of thrones that goes on, the games, plots, and sub-plots. It doesn't matter anymore. Non of it does, all the matters is that i am drinking from the most abundant source of energy we know. the Sun. I am drinking. It washing over me. I look up with eyes closed. However, my heart and mind are open. It has been a long time since they have been so open. Let it go. Let all the rage, hate, awkwardnes, and everything else I feel go. It matters not. I have to focuse on me now. The life I want. the life that is starting right now. I eat the sun.

I think about the nice things Mana said to me today. That she loves my writting and my videos. It feels good tohave such kind words said. It makes want to forge on. I love Mana and am so happy she is at a place she loves, and has the little one on the way. I feel so good for here and she makes me smile so big. She beleives. I beleive.  This is happening. She calls me Sansai and then explains it as follows: Sansai (山菜?) is a Japanese word literally meaning "mountain vegetables", originally referring to vegetables that grew naturally were foraged in the wild, and not grown and harvested from fields. However in modern times, the distinction is somewhat blurred, as some sansai such as warabi have been successfully cultivated.



Life is good and the Sun is abundant.  I am happy.  It is Friday.  I am living again.  Please Rise with me!

Jeepers, creeper, you aren't being followed by reapers you’re just walking the dog...

At this point in you should have realized that I have a pretty fucked up believe system.  Read this blog and you will know that.  I am going rattle off some stuff right now that might be common knowledge.  It might be shit I have picked up over the years from books and TV shows.   Perhaps some I learned in school.  Perhaps it was just growing up with dogs through-out my childhood.  Maybe it is from dog sitting.  I can’t really say.  What I can say for sure is I live with a dog now (I am going to take the high road here and not even say something childish and then there is Shiner too.  Imaginary drum please and yes I realized I went there).  As much as I am disappointed some of my sweatshirts are covered with blonde dog hair, I am pretty happy having the pooch around.  She is good for me, and I am good for her.  We are buddies and she has become my walking partner.  We stroll and yes I do mean stroll or as Sara would have said saunter. 

Let me tell you a couple of things first.  First is Billy b’s theory on Reapers.  First and foremost there is the Black Reaper.  If you read b, then you have heard of the Black Reaper.  The cartoon character which I have adopted as my symbol of duality.  Actually he is more a symbol of the union between my two natures, the believer and the non-believer that lives in side of me and the reconciliation of the believer inside. Reaper Unit and more formerly known as Reaper Unit 9 is a compilation of nine super soldiers who are unleashed to bring justice to the known and unknown universes.  Reaper Unit is also the name of the Tri Club I will be forming in the next two years once I am able to do all three at once.  My team will focus on the non-traditional Tri athlete like myself.  No snobby jocks here.  Just good people who want to swim, bike, and run together.  Probably drink some booze, and live to get radical.  Finally, the other reaper we know of is the one that is Grim.   I don’t really refer to him as a reaper, because technically he isn’t a reaper at all, rather he is Death itself.  Death is bad, necessary I think to pass on, but bad none the less.  However the Grim Reaper or Death has several lower level reapers in his employment and said reapers don’t bring death, no they collect the soul upon death and help you transition to other side. Just because these mother fuckers are old and pasty looking doesn’t’ mean they are bad, they are just old and look bad, and well they are taking your soul form this world to the next.  So, I mean I get why we are scared of them.  I will call these reapers hence forth Grim Reapers, but in no way shape or form are they to be confused with the Black Reapers, or the Reaper Unit.  Now, that you are totally confused, let me go into.

Billy b’s theory on Dogs.  They see shit we can’t see.  They here shit we can’t hear.  They smell shit we can’t smell.  There are several planes of existence.  I believe that.  Just like I believe the universe is infinite and in an infinite universe we can’t actually be the only intelligent beings.  Also, I believe that there are an infinite number of universes that sit next to each other.  Now I won’t go are far as to say that each decision we make creates a new universe, be pretty fucking mind blowing if it did though, but many universes sitting next to each other, I do believe in.  I am not sure if dogs see into these other universe or not.  I do know they see lots though.  If Lost Boys taught us that dogs can sense vampires, Heart Shaped Box by Joe Hill taught us they can see ghosts, and Supernatural taught us they can sense demons, and pretty much anything else that is going bump in the night, and then isn’t likely that they can’t see into the next verse or beyond? I honestly believe they see shades, what those shades are I can’t say.  I probably don’t want to know.  I know it or they are out there.  You know all the things that make us afraid of the dark.  I also think dogs can sense them.  Along the same lines they say wolves smell fear, dogs are in the same family, so can’t they sense it?  Dogs can sense the true nature of people.  They can see past our vesicles and into our souls.  My theory on dogs is simple, they are of our world, they live in our world but they see and sense into others.

Now being a fan of the supernatural, I know where my various beliefs come from.  I listed a lot of the obvious ones above.  I have long stated that I am student of King.  I am not sure if I have truly conveyed to you how powerful my imagination is.  How it takes off on its own.  The brain is a powerful tool.  So when my creative center gets going who knows what can happen.  I don’t joke when I say I have seen worlds.  I have spent probably half of my life in one fantasy or another, one world or another.  My feet are literally off the ground at times.  The amazing thing is am never really truly bored.  I can’t be. I can’t be because I can take myself there and back again.  I make shit up.  My mind works in perpetual over drive.  I can’t help it.  My mind really has a mind of its own. 

So, what does it all mean?  It means the mind can play tricks on you.  Long story short is that the mind can play tricks on you, when you have an imagination and belief system like mine.  Well even when you don’t but you get the point, don’t you?

  Last night after once again battling Rachel over what I should and should not be eating for dinner.  It wasn’t really a battle.  I made suggestions, they were shot down, and we went to subway.  I actually ended up being really satisfied with the mean.  A foot long without chips, cookie, and coke was more than enough for me to be full.  The three of us were sitting on the couch and I was ass tired.  We had watched our episode of Gus and I just wanted to go to bed.  However, I knew I needed to take Puppy for a walk.  Plus she does that look and starts tilting the head each way, and it she is just so damned cute how can you say no to her.  Plus her evil mother (Rachel) took Gumby away from her, mainly because she was going to choke to death on chewing Gumby down to nothing, so in hind sight it was probably good that Gumbers got hidden.  Shiner likes Gumbers but not as much as Kermie and we frankly; I miss the little green bastard too.  What happened to that from was a tragedy of epic proportions.  I even felt a little bad when we had pulled Miss Piggy at the funeral.  It just happens.    Anyway so we were going to walk and so we did.

The walk goes like this on most nights.  We go out front and Shiner makes good pee pee and poo poo and then we spend the rest of walk talking about how bad her poop smells.  What can I say I hate dog poop.  Really the walk goes with us making three loops around the court yard out the front of the house.  Then we walk through the parking lot Lyonsville, we walk to the end of Lyonsville to Waltrip and we stop at the cross and sit down (She does, if I did I would never get up) to make sure no cars are coming, and then we cross.  Take Waltrip to Blossom Hill hard right at the old folk’s home.  We walk by the vet, the taco bell, and Kooser, I let her go pretty free on this part of the walk.  We are alone and it is all good.  She sniffs here and there but for the most part we walk, sometimes she stops for an extra sniff and I have to tug on the leash and she comes running.  We take another right on Seifert till we cross Lyonsville and turn right for home.  If we are lucky Rachel is home and we ask her to open the garage door for us, b/c we always lock the house when we are home alone and it is dark out front and getting the key in the door is a problem and so it is just easier.  The 8 or so nights we have walked that’s been our 20 to 25 minute routine. 

Last night was different.  Last night was well.  You pick one of the following ridiculous, weird, creepy,  or par for the course.  Here we go.

When I am tired, when I am really, really tired my mind kicks into overdrive and obsessions become stronger, and the imagination goes crazy.  I know this, I have lived this way for 38 years.  So we walk out the front and don’t lock the door because Rachel is home and she is like no one will get me.  The truth if someone took her they would bring her right back after spending five minutes with her.  A-hahaha.  That is funny shit.  I really am an asshole.  So, we left it unlocked. 

Shiner went to the court out front and made pee pee and poo poo because that is what Shiner does.  I picked up the poo, I cussed her for it and I asked do you want to go inside or go for a walk?  She started toward the door but I pulled her a bit and she gladly started down the path.  We turned left onto Lyonsville and she was actually being a very good puppy.  Walking at my heel, and taking really good direction.  Then we crossed the third drive way on Lyonsville, I can’t remember the name, the last entrance to my townhouses and she stopped and she started sniffing.  It was one of those where I had to tug and tug to get her going again.  As we passed the house on the corner, she kept doing this.  Kept stopping, kept sniffing, kept sniffing and stopping and I had to pull her to start her going again and I mean really, really pull her.  We crossed Lyonsville and headed to Blossom on Waltrip.  As soon as we crossed she ran into the grass and got as far from me as she could and turn around facing Lyonsville and stared.  I looked back and saw nothing.  I tried to start her and she won’t come.  I give a big strong yank and we get moving.  Part of me is like let her explore and part of me is like this walk is to get us both moving we got to move.  We go give more steps down Waltrip and the damn dog stops and stares again across Lyonville.  I turn, and I see nothing.  Now she isn’t barking, or whining or anything like that, she is just staring. I tug and we take three more steps and she is turned around again looking at Lyonsville.  I pull and even sit her down and ask just what in the fuck is going on here missy, we need to be moving there is nothing there we got to move.  Six, seven, eight steps we are getting into a rhythm, she turns and stares into the night. 

I think it is at this point my mind starts working.  My imagination kicks in.  I start thinking about what she could be seeing.  I don’t think about all those things I listed above, I don’t have too, I know they are all there.  I know my hair-brain theory on Dogs.  However, I can’t help but starting asking myself, is seeing a Grim Reaper?  I mean we are heading toward the old folks home.  I am sure Grim Reapers walk from place to place, they certainly can’t drive.  That would be ridiculous.  Now sure Death himself drives, he drives a white 1959 Cadillac Series 62 coupe with the license plate "BUH*BYE".  But most Grim Reapers are walking form place to place.  So now here I am standing next to an old folk’s home wondering if the puppy is seeing a grim reaper.  At this point, I just want to turn and run home.  I am not going to lie I am not ready to die.  So, I am like fuck.  Not ready to die, got to keep on moving.

We turn the corner onto Blossom hill.  As soon as we turn puppy stops and stares back towards Lyonsville.  I am like you have to be fist fucking me, is the thing following up.  So I am like come on dog lets go.  So we walk.  She stops and turns around and stares now at Waltrip.  Shit it is following me.  That mother fucker is going to come up from behind and get me.  Worse thought at this point what if it isn’t a Grim Reaper but an evil sprite.  You know some hard pipe hitting spirit who has a chainsaw and blow torch and is going to get mid-evil on my ass.  I pull the dog along.  Four steps at the most and she is turned around again and just staring at the road.  Now I know.  I know for sure a wraith is after or a shade and they are going to torment me and eat my brain and I am so crazy that they will feast for years so I will be kept in some isolated state between worlds, not alive nor dead.  Just living a perpetual nightmare that will never end, I can see it now a life time worth of VSOE analysis that land just outside the bell curve, or a RESP that makes me do manual account, or even worse sitting there in some meeting with the CEO having to pee really bad not being able to go.  I pull the dog along and three steps later she turn and stares into the never.  I so wish I had just gone back inside, because something was going to get me Grim Reaper, shade, wraith, goblin, you name it because it was coming for me. 

We passed the vet, and then the taco bell and she stopped turning around.  We got into Taco Bells yard and she ran around and sniffed and was wagging the tail and we walked.  Walked and walked and walked all the way to Seifert without a single turn around.  We turn right and we are about half way down the street when a cop car pulls buy and spotlights us.  I froze.  I was like what the fuck.  The cop kept going but continued to spot light here and there.  They were looking for something or someone.  What if the dog had sensed the person or thing they were looking for?  What if he had been hiding in the bushes as we walked by and the dog was trying to warn me.  Fuck the Grim Reaper, what if there was a real mother fucker who wanted to go toe to toe with me.  Don’t get me wrong I am hulk strong but my fight days are behind me.  We start walking and I start thinking what if there really is some loony hiding here or there.  What if there is some creeper who the cops were called on.  What if he got into my house because the front door is locked and Rachel wouldn’t think anything if she heard the gate open she would just think it was me and puppy.  That mother fucker could be holding my roommate as a hostage.  My first thought was who the fuck is going to make my PBJ tomorrow if some gets her.  What if so gets in and me and the dog could have prevented it? 

I tell myself that my imagination is going into over drive.  All the Stephen King, Supernatural, Luther, and X-files have put me into a perpetual state of paranoia.  That I am being ridiculous, however, if that was the case why is there a cop car?  Why is he spot lighting?  He obviously wasn’t’ looking for a fat man and a puppy so what was he looking for? 

Ok, I will be honest here, I was in a dilemma because I know how strong my imagination is, but I also know how strong my feeling of guilt is.  I also know Rachel gets easily freaked out like I do.  I remember when I let her read a book I bought shutter island she slept with the lights on the rest of trip to Tahoe.  Do I alert her?  Do I not?

I let my fear win out and as I crossed Lyonsville to get back on Lyonsville, I text her. I was like Hey.  No answer.  I texted her again.  Hey.  No answer, I looked at puppy and she looked at me and I was like double time.  I am a fat man.  I am walking the dog in flip flops.  I am hobbling down the street thinking a bad person got my roommate with a dog who thinks we are just playing.   I text again.  Nothing.  I text again.  Nothing.  I am thinking the worst, I push shiner behind me and I get to the house and I push the door open and I wheezing like an old goat and…

She is sitting on the couch working.  No one else is around. 

“Don’t you know how to pick up your fucking phone?” I said.  I was pissed.  I realized at that point I was actually really freaked out. 

She looked at me.  The dog looked at me.  I looked at both of them.  I started laughing and said “fucking dog and ghost stories.”

I tried to explain to Rachel what had happened she just looked at me like I was crazy.  Well I am.  What can I say other than “Fucking Dog!”  I am going home now to walk her, wonder what adventure we will get up to tonight!

On a more serious note: HFC Daily Affirmation - I treat myself as a precious non-negotiable priority.

I actually feel pretty good.  I like walking the dog.  I am eating better, and I am moving on.  I have to.  The only thing in this world I have any control over is me.  So that is what my responsibility is, is to take care of me.  So I will.  Change is not coming it is here.  I wrote a letter today, it is saved on my desk top.  I am ready to print and sign it.  Just writing it was empowering.  I am ready for change.  Change like the wind.  It’s about me now.  Sorry to others who can’t accept that fact.  I am going to my tower.  As of this point I am a precious non-negotiable priority.  If you see me posting positive shit all over face book it is because I am trying to think like that.  Change.  Life moves on.  WE move on.  Change!  Its good.  The Tower is closer.

RISE WITH ME!