that is what I do

“that is what I do”  Billy b on swimming…

Today in blogging we were supposed to discuss the spoils of war.  However, that can be put on hold for the moment, because I think there was another in a long line of paradigm shifts last night that has become my life.   Words have power.  They do.  We all know it.  Sometimes we don’t think about.  We don’t think about what we say or what we write.  When we should because every word we utter has power.   Oh tangent I want to go on right now about saying things and people taking them to heart, however, I must repress this urge or this blog won’t get posted because I running on fumes here people.  Less than four hours of sleep not only makes me fucking exhausted but also a little grumps. 

Yesterday morning when I was forcing myself to pack for my swim, I said something, to myself that has had a profound impact on me in the last 24 hours.  Again, as I said words have power.  Then it was reinforced when I wrote at the end of yesterday’s blog.  A simple phrase but one brain just won’t let go of “that is what I do” and when it comes to swimming is just that “that is what I do”.

They say ideas can be infectious and I hope beyond all hope that this idea is just that.  I hope it becomes the very core of who I am and what I do.  I swim.  I swim hard and I swim long.  Rain, or shine, I swim, not because I have too but because I want too.  I would rather swim than do just about anything else.  This is the type of idea I need to get locked into the rat trap that is my mind.  Not that food is social or food is fun.  Or that no one loves because I am fat.  Or even better, that I keep myself fat so I can’t hurt anyone or I can’t be hurt by others.  No that only idea is I am gonna swim and I am going to the pool after work because “that is what I do”.

So, let’s see if I can’t take you down the path that was the last 15 hours or so of my life.  I probably won’t be able to do this, but I will attempt it. 

My three o’clock meeting runs over.  It is an exhausting meeting.  Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.  I won’t go into the details I mean after all I have done my Social Media training.  So when my three o’clock finally ended, my four o’clock started at 5:15 or so.  It was a good meeting, but 5:15 quickly turned into 6:27 and I am getting ready to shut down A sends me a im asking me if I am still working.  I say yes.   Then she says I take you aren’t swimming.  I say no, I am going swimming.  It is what I do.  We chat for a bit and finally I sign off around 6:40 or so. 

My boy Kenny and I hold palaver after shut down and my god he likes talk.  Ha ha ha.  I jest.   Um but really we chat until about 7.  Tick tick tick… it is getting late.  I drive him to his car, which is ironic because his car is really my car, but that is a story for another time.  What we talked about?  I don’t’ really recall and it probably doesn’t matter.  Probably work.  Life.  His irrational fear of peanuts?  Hi love of men’s figure skating.  I don’t know like I said it doesn’t matter.  Finally, I tell him ok Fuck you get out of my car because I have to swim.  So he goes and he is like go swim fucker. 

Almost instantly when he gets out of the car the battle begins.  The voice starts, that fucking voice that is the enemy of war and that voice that hates swimming and loves the coach.  The same voice which has pretty much been my guiding light for the last 37 years.  The voice that always makes deals, excuses, and tells me lies, that it will all be good, one missed workout won’t hurt, one more trip to McDonald’s and eating whatever we want won’t hurt.  You know the voice.  The voice I have come to know as the enemy, or the betrayer of hope. 

The voice that reminds me about how hard I have been working.  That it is really late, and the pool closes at 10, so since we won’t even to San Jose until around 8 does it really make sense to go swim because after all our swim is going to take about 2 hours and then they will be  mad at you because they can’t cover the pool until you are out, and it is really an inconvenience for them, so you should do the courteous thing and just go home.   The voice that tells you it doesn’t matter how much you swim you are still fat.  You are still alone.  That it doesn’t matter.  The voice that says, well your tired and we don’t want to get sick.  The voice that will not let up on me the entire ride home, and after an hour that voice is really starting to sound good.  It has me starting to believe as I approach the exit off 280 that I should just go home.    Then…

As we pass 87 and go to race another voice speaks up.  A different voice and when it speaks it speaks truth.  It speaks words of power don’t forget “that is what I do”.  What is that we do?  I say we swim.  Rain or shine, we swim.  This is because we are swimming for our life.  We are swimming for me.  We are swimming because we love it.  We are swimming because this time is different.

The conversation getting off the exit in my head went something like this…

“You so tired, just go home.  You work to hard.”

“It is what I do!”

“For like a two weeks… it doesn’t matter.  You so tired.  You throat I a little sore, this isn’t worth getting sick.”

“I need to swim.”

“Well maybe we can just do like 800 meters your tired remember.”

“2700 Meters no less.”

“Its 8 at night that is ridiculous.”

“it is what I do”

“Then you still have to go home and eat?  You think about?  What are you going to eat at 10 p.m.” At this point a vision of five guys flashes in my head.

“it is what I do”

“Well if you do it, then we can go eat at 5 guys and have whatever we want.  Rachel gets here on Saturday so it will be our last time going.”

In a thunderous voice the new voice takes control “NO!  There will be no peace talks (think no talking of deals to eat later), there will be no white flags (thinking of doing less than the 2700).  We will get to the pool.  We will swim our 2700.  WE will do it, because it is what I do. 

I got off the exit.  There was no question.  I drove to the gym. Because it is what I do. 

I start thinking what a great blog this will make.  To show myself and others that power of the words I said to myself.  I was also afraid b/c I would be so tired after swimming that I would remember what I wanted to say in this blog and to be honest I don’t. 

I did try to take notes on it though and I did it via text message to Mr Kenny…

In seven texts I sent him this:

-I don’t want to be here

- I want to go home

- I’m tired

- so tired

- There will be no peace talks

- no white flags

- I go swim and I go now

WHAT the fuck does any of that mean…

Anyway… I swam… I swam for 1 hour 51 mintues and 47 seconds.  I swam a 2,700 Meter IM (substituting breaststroke for fly).

The workout was this:

Total Distance:2700 yards

• 300 yards warmup mix of strokes
  (use all 4 strokes)
• 4 x 100 IM resting :30 between
  (swim at a comfortable pace)
• 4 x 100 IM kick only
  (ok to use a kickboard on this drill but you do not have to)
• 4 x 100 IM pull only
  (either cross your ankles, or use a pull bouy to float your legs)
• 2 x 100 IM sprints resting :40 between
  (sprint each 100 IM and note your time)
• 4 x 50 yards butterfly, resting :30 between
  (swim each at a consistent pace)
• 4 x 50 yards backstroke, resting :30 between
  (swim each at a consistent pace)
• 4 x 50 yards breaststroke, resting :30 between
  (swim each at a consistent pace)
• 400 yards crawl warmdown
  (swim slowly and relax)

I hurt. I hurt in the pool.  My arms feel like jell-o.  However, I swam hard and strong.  I loved every minute in the water.  Well except on the 2^nd IM sprint when I had a panic attack and stood up b/c I thought my heart was giving out. 

I got back to the car and had these messages from Kenny:

+ Where the fuck are you

+ go to your habitat billy

My habitat the pool more words of power… I texted him back and said

-          I was at the pool.

-          I came, I swam, I conquered

Couldn’t sleep last night finally went down around 2.  I am exhausted this a.m. but was up when the alarm hit six.  Tomorrow I will swim my 2500 pyramid because that is what I do