A special thanks to a good friend!
I'm nothing if not obdurant. I also tend to walk alone. I walk alone because when walking alone I do as I please, which for me means basically I eat whatever I want.
I hide myself from the world and show them a magic trick with the other one.
Hey look at me I'm swimming 2500 meters, but one the back ground at home as I'm updating my bog I'm sucking down three slices of pizza. Boom magic... Show people your trying and maybe they will leave you be. Some people though aren't fooled. Some people know you to well. Some people care enough to do something about it.
Ken texted me on Halloween to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't say thanks. I didn't say anything. Not because I don't care but because I tell myself I was busy. When truth is I was a little ashamed of the shape I'm in. Also, Ken like Ken always does will call me to the mat and tell me to get my head out of my ass. That life is choice and I have a history of making the wrong ones. He does this because he cares. He has always has. Ever since I worked for him on North First street. Dude just wants to see me healthy.
I had convinced myself that it was my Birthday weekend and if I avoided people I could do whatever I wanted and again that meant: pizza, burgers, fries, and ice cream. These are my drugs! They fuck me up like reds, vitamin C and cocaine.
So when Ken texted again on Friday, I read it and said I need to get back to him but we will do it on Monday. When he called and left a VM on Friday night, I didn't see it because I was at dinner with A and J. Owned this phone for three weeks and never once heard it ring. Then he called again as I was getting out of
my car on Saturday to swim. Well, at this point I just want to be in my natural habitat so I went to the pool and I pushed my body to the brink. Now I have no excuse why I didn't answer the way home from the pool at 5:30 other than in the back of my mind I wanted to house the three slices of pizza at home. It's all I wanted. Then I would crawl into bed and rest. I was being an obdurate prick and never thought how this ignoring could impact or effect someone you call friend.
So when I was loading "Little Things" by Bush and looking out of my office window I should have been surprised when my gate flew open and ole long, tall, and ugly as I call him from time to time in jest (this is actually high praise if you follow the Dark Tower cycle because it's what Eddie Dean always referred to his dinh Roland of Gilead. Is it irony that Eddie is who I identify with and he is a heroine addict and I'm spinning a tale of addiction?). No honestly I wasn't surprised. I actually felt a little bad and no it wasn't because I couldn't fix.
When I opened the door I'm not sure if he wanted to hug me or punch me. If he was happy or not. I think he was relieved because I was ok.
When he sat down he didn't preach to me. He simply said he was worried. That he left his family on a Saturday night because he was worried. Thy were worried. He wasn't the only person worried what I was doing to myself.
Then he listened to me.
Then we talked about rehab. Fat camp. Whatever you call it. We talked about getting my head right and for the 4th time in the week I had some one tells to either stop killing myself or tell me they didn't want me to die.
I am a lucky man because I have so many people in my corner. JC and me talked about how I've been slowing killing myself for years. The cigarettes were just another way to encourage the self destruction. Amy told me she didn't want me to die. Sue said as much in our session and yes i count Sue as friend. Then Ken told me he didn't want me to die at forty or sooner. That again he was at my house to help me. That my head had to get straight. That if I had to go on disability the didn't care go some where get my shit together.
The mind of an addict is a funny thing I'm learning. Billy b two months ago would have said all the right things and then are a pizza after he left. That was a different man, in a different life. Yes, part of me thought can he just leave, three slices of pizza to eat. But this part of mind when stood up to got very quiet when the new Billy b stood up and said I'm taking control now. We are going to listen because we are at drift and we must find a way to beat our demons, curses, addiction, whatever you call it.
Ken said he'd like to see me throw the pizza away. That I should go eat a salad. He reminded it has to start at some point. I resisted. Because not resisting would mean I wasn't in control. Not resisting would mean I would have to start dealing. He asked me three times if I wanted to go get something to eat with him. To turn away from the pizza. It was hard. He would have left with the pizza there. He would have left with out taking me to eat a good dinner. Because ultimately it is me who has to want to change. It is me who has to be willing to change my life. I told him if we tossed the pizza we would have to do it in the dumpster, bc I would not dumpster dive for pizza. To be honest I've never eaten anything out of my trash. But then again I'd never thrown pizza ziplocked in a bag in a clean trash can w a new liner either. So. I took the pizza to the outside bin, and tossed it. It was hard. So fucking hard. I didn't want to let it go. Because letting it go meant I was trying again to get control. And how many times have I failed. How many times have I started down the path and never finished? I was terrified but ready to try again. To try and fix me, because gods be damned I'm worth it. Like I said in my blog on Friday on 11/1/75 a special young man was born. With this mind that creates like no one else's and whose heart is to big for his chest. A giving man. A man who is truly worthy of the life and time he has been given. I've not always believed that. As a matter of fact if 400 plus pounds don't proof that I don't know what does.
However we went to the snow flake and his tall ass and my fat ass got into my tiny volt and drove to Carl's jr. That's right and we had a BBQ chicken sandwich and a salad. It was good and 500 calories. We ate a meal at probably the worst restaurant in the world for under 500 cals and it was fucking good and filling. We are it slow and talked. He showed me even at a fast food joint there is a way. That it's really all about the choices you make and what you choose to believe. We drove home. We shook hands and hugged and he told me to stay in touch and text more. I've texted him five times today. Be careful what you ask for:)
I got up this morning with different choices on the brain. I was going to meet a friend at panera bread for breakfast and I walked into Rachel's room and got out my 2011 eat this not that book and read what to choose. I went to panera and I choose it. It was good. It was feeling and I took my time eating it. For the 5th time in a week I had a friend tell me I was playing for keeps and I've been talking about my demon for a long time and how they don't want me to die.
I stopped at Barnes and noble
On the way home from breakfast and bought another eat this not that so I have one at home, work, and in car. Bc life is about the choices we make and I'm going to try and make, no I'm going to make the right ones. We have lost so much time.
It's time to be the man I was born to be. It's time.
On way to pool I got a subway. So after my hour and half in pool today, I won't raid the vending machine. I'll have a nice sandy waiting on me.
Choices! Again, it's all about choices!
Thanks so much Ken! Thank you for coming over and helping me.
Thanks to everyone who has listened to me, read me, and rooted me on.
It's time to get Busy LIVING!
I choose life!
I choose to believe, I can safe a life and that life is mine.
Now it's time for another 2500 in the pool! Bc we choose life!
Thanks again!
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