If records are made to be broke, then are goals made to be
attainable?
This blog, must like the swim that accompanied it was
supposed to be cool, as was the personal that was doing the swimming and
blogging.
See on the way over to the pool, I had this vision in my
head of a man pulling his cap off and then looking up into the rain. Letting it wash over his face and
goggles. He would have his head propped
up against the side of the pool and his mouth would be open and tongue pressing
on the bottom lip. He would be there
just hanging out. The man would be
emotionless. You wouldn’t know that this
man had just pushed 100 meters beyond his goal.
Of course then again when I picture this man he isn’t what I would look
like anyway, but that internal vision of me is another blog, for another
time. The man would swim to the steps
and get out of the pool and go shower and no one would ever know that he had
achieved for one moment greatness. Perhaps
that is what I want to be the professional.
Cold. Emotionless. Perhaps.
I am not sure why associate that with cool but I guess I do. I mean I guess I just would like to be
business as usual, rather than taking a ride on rollercoaster that is my
life.
Anyone who has ever known me knows, I can be cold, but I am
not. I am not calm. When I am happy I smile. When I am pissed I don’t talk. If I am not talking, then I am pissed. I wear
my emotions on my sleeve. So, why would
I ever think that last night was just another swim? That I would right an emotionless blog and
not sky right the fact that I won the first major battle of my war last
night. I tried to hide the fact I was
swimming for my goal last night in the middle of the breast expert blog. Hell when I texted Rachel, Dorothy, and A I
was going for the goal, I should have known it was not going to go the way I
saw it in my head. That was even further enforced after I got in and started my
warm-up and after the first 25 meters I was like only 2,275 more to go and I am
at goal.
When you swim you are supposed to focus on your stroke. Always trying to make it the most efficient,
effective stroke, so that you can more the most water with the least amount of
effort, the mind plays an important part in this. However, my mind was all over the place last
night. Dancing between the cool blog I
was going to write about achieving my goal, wondering if the sky was ever going
to open up and just rain, and just about anything and everything else. Lots of time was focused on dreading the 4 x
100’s kick three times per stroke on the crawl.
For some reason this is a very tough concept for me, I never could stay
in step at military camp, and I sure never could carry a beat. So certainly swimming with a rhythm just
will never work for me, especially when I have AC/DC blasting in my ears, WHAT!
I did try really hard to bring it back in though. I tried to focus. I tried to swim hard and my body today tells
me swim hard I did. I am fucking sore,
the arms, the legs, everything. The good
sore though, you know, not the I can hardly move sore but the I am fucking
awesome I am working my ass off sore.
After I 4 x 100 three kick bastards and finish them I
did. It was onto my breaststroke and the
focus on the pull, the kick and the glide.
I focused the first 100. I think
I focused the 2nd 100 too, but on the third I grinned. I was about 20 laps from getting to
goal. I couldn’t help but be happy. To feel really good about everything I have
been doing. To know though, I am just
finding the Path of the Beam that will lead me to Can’-Ka No Rey and eventually
to the steps of the tower, but what I am doing is for the white, the good and
for my life.
The 100 of my 4 x 100 Breaststroke focusing on pull, kick,
glide; I started thinking what song should be playing when I reach the final
100. What stroke should I be swimming
breast or free (front crawl). Then I
smiled. I smiled big and wide because
not matter what I was swimming or listening too it was real, I was going to do it. I was going to exceed my goal.
The cool down, and remember this was a cool down mind you or
was supposed to be, was a 400 freestyle, which was split between one length or
as I call it a lap Breast, and the next freestyle (front crawl) and it was to be
SLOW. It’s a cool down right. Take it easy.
Enjoy the water. Don’t think
about it. Just finish.
Well, if it was a cool down I don’t think I realized it or
not until I did my first length of freestyle.
I swam strong. I was perfectly
balanced. I was breathing every third
stroke and my kick was in rhythm. I told
myself to slow it down. I still had 14
laps to go. 10 to goal though. I tried to slow it down, but I couldn’t I was
excited. I can’t lie, I am even smiling
right now as I type this, and I know I can’t possibly convey the joy I was
feeling last night, I am just not a good writer, but I can tell you it was
really the best I have felt all quarter long and in general a really long time.
I am not really sure what happened on laps 14, 13, 12, 11,
10… I just know I swam them. I know at
that point in the total swim I had 12 more laps to go. I know I felt strong. I know I swam with purpose. I know my stroke both breast, and crawl were
good or as good as my fat ass can currently do them. I also knew that I had 8 laps to goal and 9
laps to exceed my goal. I remember the
last 8 laps went something like this:
Breaking Benjamin became Phish, and really on a swimming
goal could there be any more appropriate music.
A Black Fish listening to Phish. I
didn’t know that it would be back to back Phish songs on the head phones, but
KA, is after all KA, so from one Phish to another, the music brought me
home.
Lap 8 - I came into the wall as Phish starting to play Down with
Disease and made my turn into Breaststroke and found this rattling in my head “It
all comes down to eight, somehow I always knew it would? 2… 8… 8… 2…
28… 82… 2882… what does it mean.
What is 8? What is 2-8? What is 8-2? It doesn’t add up to 19, which is a number of
power. It adds to 20, what is the
2882? Why am I thinking about this on 8?
Two is my favorite number. I hated the 8th
grade. 28 did I do anything
special? 82 my dad’s age? No… it’s not that. I make my turn into Front Crawl and…
Lap 7 – I am really doing this. I am really reaching my goal. Fuck me Freddy. In 50 days I am exceeding my goal I thought
it would take 90 to do. Oh shit, my
Q1-2014 goal is gonna be huge! Maybe
100K M. That would be bad ass… Grab the
wall, get off the wall, and don’t breathe just go… back into glide and…
Lap 6 – Wow I was pretty fucking awesome on that front crawl.
I am swimming strong. Why can’t I always swim this good? Slow down jackass this is your cool down. You’re gonna get there, but do it smart. You’re pushing really hard. Pull, Kick, Glide, we are doing breaststroke. I wish I was a breast expert. Lol. I
love that and turn…
Lap 5 – Why am I clinching?
Your butt? Not jackass, my
teeth. I am grinding. Maybe I just grind on crawl. 1-2-3 stroke, 1-2-3 stroke… let’s have a good
turn not hesitation and …
Lap 4 – That was probably my best turn all night. Ok let’s nail this breaststroke pull, kick, and
glide. Get into streamline and fast
hands baby, fast hands. Ya baby, fast
hands.
Lap 3 – Back in crawl and thinking, thinking about it, the
goal, and every thought is now bent on it.
I am going to do this! I can do
this! Today I take care of myself. Today I make good choices. Today is the first day of my real life. As of today I take care of myself. I can do this. Ka is a wheel. I can do this. I will do this. I choose life. I choose to live every day as much as I can. And… I turn.
Lap 2 – at first I think man if I
keep this breaststroke up I am going to have nice shoulders. Chicks dig shoulders right? I just need to keep stroking. Giggle and air bubbles… You’re an idiot. Why b/c… OH shit. What if this isn’t really 51,975... What if I
am not really on lap 95 right now? What
if I am not going to meet my goal on the next length? What if I am counting wrong? Get to the wall, keep your form up. When you get to the wall check. That is all check the ring of truth. It will say 95. It will.
You’re gonna do this. No more
doubt. I hit the wall. I click the ring of truth. It reads 95. I slowly start to turn. I am really gonna fucking do this. I am really going to meet my fucking
goal. I bite down a smile. Must focus, remember that cool blog you were
gonna write. Remember no fist
pumping. Not stopping and drinking it
in. Just let the band march on. Do your thing. Swim your strokes. What is gonna run through my head on way to
that next wall. I have thought of pretty much everything at this point. What am I going to think about and I push off…
Last Lap till Goal… the lap that
brought me to 52,000 and to my Q4 goal… I thought about her, I thought about
KA, and I thought about the tower and dancing in the fields of Can’-Ka No Rey. I grab the wall. And turned and pushed into the final four laps
and my goal was exceeded, the second I pushed off and started to swim breast
again.
First Lap post goal – I thought I
am really doing this. I am fighting the
war for my life and I am winning right now.
Right now I am winning.
Lap 2 post goal – I thought about
Rachel and Dorothy and all we are going to accomplish over the next three months. We are going to change our lives. The trio was getting the band back together
and we were gonna rock!
Lap 3 post goal – I thought if I
can achieve this, and I can commit to this and beat it. Then why can’t I beat my weight issues. Why can’t I beat my foods issues? Why can’t I can lead a healthy happy life? You know what I can, I can because whatever
the Mind Believes and can conceive, it can achieve and I believe, thank the old
gods and the new and KA, I believe, I can do this. No, I will do this.
Lap 4 post goal and final lap of
the burn – it was one of those rare moments in my life when the brain, doesn’t
think… it doesn’t do anything but count the kicks and strokes. Nothing rattled in my head. Nothing and I loved it.
At the end of the swim, I pulled
the headphones out and took the goggles off, and I rested my head against the
wall and looked up at the cloudy sky. I
just sat there. Thinking about what was
on the other side of this war. I grinned and breathed in the night air. I felt awesome. I felt strong and most importantly I felt
like there was nothing I couldn’t do.
The world was mine and I deserve it.
Bloggers Note 1: because I do have a day job and because swimming
over an hour and a half 5 times a week exhausts me I am two days behind in
getting this entry out this was from 11/19/2013 the night I exceeded 52,000
Meters
Bloggers Note 2: 11/19/13
swim was 2400 meters focused on breaststroke and front crawl done in one hour and
39 minutes. It whipped me out and on
Wednesday I was super sore, but….
Bloggers Note 3: 11/20/13
exhaustion and soreness would not win the day in the first post Goal Swim on
the 20th I swam for 1:48:59 and I focused on kicking. Now if I thought was tired and sore after the
19th… Hello… my ass was kicked last night. 800 meters of the swim was nothing but kicking. Total distance was 2600 meters…
Bloggers Note4: Hence
forth when I say freestyle I mean front crawl
Bloggers Note 5: exhausted
and waddling out into the living room I say to myself are we swimming tonight. Your
body is beat down, and you’re exhausted.
You slept like shit the last two nights.
I responded to myself yes, pack for the pool that is what I do. I
swim. 2700 Meters tonight focusing on
all strokes, well I will breaststroke as I don’t fly, yet. Actually, I can fly. I learned how to and I can technically do the
stroke, but no one wants to see a fat man fly… no one….
OH YA… AND THE TOWER IS CLOSER…..
