Page 90

Book of 2016

- Page 90 -

 

I have been sitting here for over an hour trying to find something to write.  Some days you just don't have anything.  I even searched for something old, that I could post, just to keep the streak alive and I really didn't come up with anything.  Looking through my emails, I can't even begin to tell you how many times I was going to change my life the next.  How there was just one last binge. How there was one last mistake.  How it all was going to change.  I wonder how much of those do overs that never panned out was simple do to the fact, I didn't really want to change.  Did I want to be thin.  Yes.  Did I want to be able to exercise more and be healthy.  Yes.  However, I didn't want to do anything different.  Like George Foreman was going to eat cheeseburgers on his weigh to the heavy weight title, I wanted to eat cheeseburgers to the finish line.  I can honestly tell you right now I have no idea how I am going to get my life back on track.  I don't know how I am going to stop myself from gaining more weight.  However, I think that I know that I really do have to change if I want to make a difference is a good thing.  I think I am ready to change now for the first time ever.  Perhaps that is a step in the right direction.   I think the other thing I am starting to realize is when I do fix this it isn't a temporary thing.  It is not like I can quit eating crap for a while then go back to it.  I have to change.  I have to put things like healthy, and happiness above all else and I have to be willing to reach out and grab those things.  It isn't going to be easy.  There is no easy fix.  I think that is the harsh reality of the situation.  For the first time in my life I can't just go forward and expect to get to where I want to go.  Unlike most things in my life this isn't going to be given to me.  I won't be able to sleep walk through it like I did High School and college.  It can't be something I only apply myself part time to.  I actually have to make a long lasting change in my life.  There is hope.  I have a few leads I am working on.  I have a few avenues I am going to try.  I am going to work hard at this.  Because I am tired of slowly killing myself.  I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to live.  I want to get better.