Book of 2016
- Page 84 -
How many times have we been here before? How many times have we tried to pick
ourselves up from the bottom of another rut?
Only right now I am not even sure I want to climb out of this rut. Everything seems to be spinning, spinning,
and spinning further out of control. You
look around for a break but there is nothing.
You sit and plot your next binge.
You think about all the things you should have for dinner and then you
think about what you want for dinner.
The two things are never one in the same. Two days ago you made a phone call. The phone call you wanted to change your
life, but it didn’t. The more you
thought about the phone call the more you realized why you had hated it the
first time around. You are not 100% sure
which you have a bigger issue with people not taking responsibility for what is
going on in their lives or the non-stop reference to God. Look I can’t sit here and say I am an
atheist, because I don’t know if I am one or not. I believe that there is something out
there. I don’t know what it is. I call it Ka, because Ka makes sense to
me. I know that sounds pretty fucked up,
that something I learned about in a Stephen King novel is something I relate to
as something out there moving along our path, but it is. Fate, Destiny, Ka, the path, or whatever you
would call it. When King talked about
it, it made sense to me. In a world that
I always felt a little out of place in, that spoke to me as being truth. We are all moving down the path. We are going to the next destination. I am getting away from my point, but this
little tangent has made me smile a little bit on day that I wanted to do was
frown. Things just aren’t clicking right
now. There seems to be fires
everywhere. I am trying to stay positive,
but positive is so hard right now. I
feel like everything is closing in. The
rails are coming off. Then I think about
these meetings and listening to God this and God that, and how he is moving you
to this or to that. I hear this and I get
angry. I get angry because where is the responsibility? Where is the accountability on the one place
that it should be placed and that is on me?
Then I think, Billy b, is this just another in a long line of excuses to
get going. Just another reason not
change your ways? Then I say to myself
why would I think that if it was not true?
Then I get sad again. So, I went
to spend some time on the website of OA.
There was a section on there about Atheist and Agnostics and how people
that don’t necessarily believe in a God still follow there program. Then I realize I am already criticizing this
and I don’t know the first thing about it.
I think that is the part of me that could give a shit less if we ever
get better. That is the part of me who
would happily eat myself into a grave. I
think that sometimes and addict is just an addict and doesn’t want to know it
or wants to avoid it. Not because they
feel good with what they are doing. No,
it is more because somewhere deep inside they don’t want to face the long solitary
road to recovery. Or even worse, the one question that is always
in the back of your head but you never want to ask. What is there left of Billy b, if he no
longer has a weight problem. Is there
anything left? Most of his life has been
trying to fill this void and no amount of food can possible fill. We all
have days like these. We all get
low. The real test is to see if we can
stand back up. I think tomorrow will be
a better day. I think I will get more sleep tonight. Tomorrow things will be all right! Plus, I have two podcasts to listen too. I have never downloaded a podcast in my
life. However, I did. I found them on itunes they are an
introduction to the 12 steps of OA. And
when and Addict is just an Addict and he does want to change his ways, perhaps
it is time to start find a way. Maybe it
is time to leave the worry that there is nothing left after I lose the weight
behind. It’s just time to take a little
control and be the driving force in my own life, so I will let you know how the
podcast go.
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