Page 86

Book of 2016

- Page 86 - 

I was thinking about what I was going to have for breakfast before I thought about anything else this morning.  There wasn't a question if I was hungry or not.  If I needed sustenance or not. It was just waking up and it was time to eat, it is what I was supposed to do.  The next thought after thinking about what I wanted to eat for breakfast was what am I going to cook this weekend.  It wasn't am I going to go walk, swim, or watch the Elite 8.  How am I going to have food for all of next week.  I got out of bed and went take my medicine and all the time my mind was bouncing between breakfast and cooking for the week.  I started to feel stressed over it.  I started to think maybe what this means that food controls my life.  I started to wonder if maybe the podcast i was listening didn't start to make sense.  What if I am powerless against food?  What if food has become my addiction of choice?  I decided I wasn't going to go anywhere for breakfast.  Instead, I walked back and got into bed and went back to sleep.  While I was sleeping I had this strange dream.  I was at home, not here at my house, but home, home, 7825 South Sycamore.  It was night and I was in the big red basement where I spent so much of my formative years.  I was alone and it was dark.  Then out of the floor popped two little black skeletons.  No more than knee high.  Instead of having humanoid head.  They have black headed birds head, even the beaks were black. They were absolutely terrifying.  However, I was frozen there looking at them.  Then each moved towards me and I couldn't move, I couldn't turn.  I just stood there.  They each grabbed a leg and wrapped around it tightly.  I tried to move again and I couldn't.  Then I felt myself being pulled down into darkness..  I was being over taken because the bird skeletons which were no longer skeletons but instead a black mist.  They were pulling me down and over taking me.  I was becoming possessed by a dark force that was so far beyond my comprehension.  I just felt like I was sinking down.  I tried to move but my body was not under my own control. The only thing I had control over was my mind.  Everything else frozen.  However my mind was still free.  So, I told myself I was not going to let this these things take me down.  that I 

was not going to lose to these things. I told myself I had my will and with that I could do anything. So an epic battle for my soul started.  It was like helms deep, it raged on for what seemed like ions.  In the end I was able to shed them. Then I ran. I ran up stairs.  Everything was still black.  The entire world was black tinted.  I saw my sister Heidi.  I saw she was frozen in place.  I saw the black skeleton birds hugging her legs.   I told her she had to think.  Think and use her will and mind, then she could shake them.  I then turned and I realized these awful black skeleton toucans were all over the house.  As I turned and saw Heidi break free, i turned back and two more little black buggers grabbed me. They started to morph into black smoke and pull me in.  That is when I told Heidi to throw me my lightsaber, if I had that, then i could use it to focus my will on and it would be easier to fight the black skeleton head toucans with the mini human bodies. Then, i was awake.and I was terrified.  I laid there with that empty feeling you have sometimes after nightmares.  Thinking and wondering just what in the fuck just happened.  I was cold and bothered.  However, i dozed again.  Then I woke up and it was a quarter of noon. This time my first thought wasn't about food, not really. I thought about step 1.  Thought, am I really powerless over food. I was like this is starting to make sense to me.  Perhaps, just perhaps there was something to this.  I got up.  I thought about trying to make everything smaller.  to take it one day at a time.  I decided I would listen to a podcast about Oa again today.  I walked.  It was a good walk.  I started to contemplate what that dream meant.  I am sure a lot of people would have  a lot of different theories on it.  In my mind I am still trying to figure it out.  Are the birds my addiction or they my issues I have been carrying my whole life.  Is my mind my god?  Is it they one thing that can save me from my own addictions?  I don't know.  What I do know is that I will just take it one day at a time.  That is all I can do.   I am really thinking about joining oa.  What I have done doesn't work.  Maybe it is time to try something knew.  Make the world smaller.  Make everything smaller and one day at a time.