Page 71

Book of 2016

 - Page 71 - 

Happy Friday!  

However, that isn't the reason why I am doing the happy dance tonight!  

It was just another Friday night.  Alone in the car gives you a lot of time to think about all the things you can't control.   Like its you dad's first day of chemo.  Not everything is going your way. There is stress and anxiety that you can't control.  That your alone on another Friday night.  It is in these quiet times, when your alone and the mind starts to race.  The void starts to open.  It's this void that is made of sorrow, loneliness, and emptiness.  It's this place, that I identify with, and it is in this place I find myself needing a way to fill it.  Unfortunately or maybe fortunately for me, I didn't choose X, meth, or slabs of cocaine to fill my emptiness.  I didn't choose the path of the bottle, although believe me, I wanted tried.  I didn't choose sex, or maybe it was just b/c sex didn't choose me to fill this hollow feeling down deep.  And really unfortunately, I didn't choose exercise, or even starving myself.  No, I chose food.  I always, have choose food.  On Friday nights, when the void open that usually means a drive thru.  I am not going to like about a two miles from home, I had decided I was going to McDonald's.  It was the that one more last time.  Just one more time thru the drive thru.  It won't hurt that much.  No one would ever know.  Then I thought, what would I write about tonight.  How, I couldn't even last a day or two without hitting a drive thru.  Are you really going to go out there and lie.  Or not tell the folks. I mean after all is that not as bad or worse than lying.  I was gonna go.  I was ready to concede to the void.  Then.....

I ended up at whole foods.   i just stood there and kept thinking about Snoopy doing the happy dance.  I kept thinking how in the fuck did I end up here.  I was going to go.  i was going to binge.  I didn't care what I got in whole foods baring it wasn't a bag of sugar or lard.  That I had got there was a huge win.  So, I got there and I went in and got food from the hot bar.  I felt so good! I just kept thinking about the happy dance.  I won tonight.  I am not going to win every time out, but I damn it I won tonight.  The wins are going to be more than the loses.  And then I win.  I am going to win.  I am starting to believe that I can again.  I have the power to win.  I know that because I won tonight.  I didn't go. I didn't go back on my word.  I went to whole foods and I ate real food.  Not processed garbage.  

I think at some point you have start taking stock of all the good things that you do.   Not just the bad.  Learn from the bad and the mistakes, but celebrate the wins!  Enjoy them and just keep putting up more W's than loses and give yourself a chance to excel.  

I am going to bed to bed tonight on a huge positive note!  I am going to carry that into my weekend.  I am going to but away my stress, anger, and I am going to write and try to find another way to fill the emptiness inside.   I can do this!  I am doing this!!