Page 4

Book of 2016

- Page 4 - 

I am not going to lie today has been the hardest day of 2016.  I know we are only 4 days deep.  Also, I know my problems compared to others are relatively minor.  I am so tired today.  I couldn’t get out of bed.  I just kept hitting snooze.  From 5 a.m. till after 7 a.m. it was one snooze after another.  I am always so much more tired on day that I do this.   However, I did change one thing though, before, I got up and showered, I went for a walk.  Nothing special, nothing long, nothing fast, more really of a shuffle, b/c I don’t move so well these days.  I would say I put in not quite a moderate level, but close.  

It was out there towards the beginning of my shuffle, that my mind started to drift.  It turned two weekends from now and what was to be my double dip at Disney in the Star Wars Rebel Challenge weekend.  Basically, I was going to do half marathon and a 10k, and how at a doctor I didn’t even know advice, I just quit.  

I got really angry with myself.  I wished I had not listened to him.  I found myself thinking I should have listened to Coach Janna.  I should have listened.  I should have pushed; I should have, kept walking. When the negative thoughts start in my brain, it is so hard to stop them from steam rolling me.  I got set for the abuse to start.  

Shuffling along, I actually surprised myself by not particular dwelling on this.  Sure, I was disappointed.  Sure, I was a bit angry.  Yes, I should have listened to Coach Janna.  I should have kept up with my walking.  I should have done a lot of things in Q4 of 2015 that I didn’t do.  However, I realize now, that I didn’t keep going because I didn’t want to keep going.  That walking long distances hurt like hell and I wanted an easy way out.  What better way to quit than having a doctor’s orders?  

I see that now and yes, I want to get mad for quitting but, what good is it going to do me today?  I can’t change the decision I made then and the reasons I made them.  I can’t look back and wonder if I would have only eaten paleo all year where would I be now.  If I had not gone off the deep end would I have not gained some weight back?  IF… IF… IF…

That doesn’t do me any good though.  Did I have reasons?  Sure.  Where there issues?  Did some shit in 2015 not add up?  Where there disappointments?  Sure.  The answer is yes to all of this.  However, nothing can be changed now.  It doesn’t matter how much momentum I came into 2015 with, or that I faltered at the end.  It doesn’t matter that I didn’t walk.  It mattered then, but now, it just is.  It was the life I lead at that point in time.  Sitting here looking back and regretting and wishing for a different outcome is worthless.  Because nothing, nothing can change the past.  

So, I pushed these thoughts out of my mind and remembered.  Dream it!  Believe it! Achieve it!  I thought about myself coming out of the water at my next Triathlon, and being able to get back on the bike.  My feet hurt.  I never changed the show strings and my feet hurt really badly this a.m. but I pushed it away.  I dreamed of a walk where I have no pain.  I dreamed of wanting to get up in the morning and having a work out to do.  I dreamed.  I firmly believe that dreaming will lead to believing.   Believing will lead to achieving.  It is no time to put my dreaming to work for me. 

So, good bye yesterday, hello now!  So don't look back. there is nothing there for any of us.  WE only have the path forward and the way forward!